5.15.10 My Rose-Colored Glasses

Upon my death, I bequeath to the highest bidder at my estate auction my most phenomenal, amazing pair of rose-colored glasses.  These rose-colored glasses have been with me all of my life and they have successfully helped me to see situations more positively than they really were. 

Most of you probably know that I relocated to Austin seven months ago with aging parents being the primary motivator behind this decision.  The pressing need that caused me to seriously pray about being in Austin over the last three years was my father who is an amputee, and who was facing assisted living last year.  God’s hand was definitely in the timing of this move, and I am so thankful that the good Lord worked out all of the details in His typical, marvelous fashion.  But I will tell you that when I made this move,  I was wearing my special rose-colored glasses.

With the help of my rose-colored glasses, I was able to visualize being the daughter my father needs me to be by being available and accessible whenever he needs my help.  Often the help he needs is as basic as doing grocery shopping for him since he doesn’t drive as an amputee.   Since he has problems with chronic venous stasis ulcers on his “good leg”, he has faced multiple hospital admissions since I have been in Austin due to infections that develop.  These hospital stays are prolonged as it takes a week just to overcome the infection, and then he faces two weeks just to rehab to make sure he is mobile enough to  function safely in his own apartment before they discharge him.  The primary point of moving here at this chapter of my life was to be helpful in his time of need and to really have a servant’s heart to assist him whenever possible.

Unfortunately, this adjustment has been overwhelming to me.  My Dad’s needs are real and often, and as soon as I took off my rose-colored glasses, what I saw very clearly is that I am a fiercely independent person who has not experienced “being needed” by another person on such a regular basis. This move has sadly accentuated how self-focused I really am.  Many requests “inconvenience” me.  That’s pretty shallow, I know.   Some of these requests aren’t even “inconveniences”; he just wants me to come over and see him and spend time with him, and I will resist at times by finding excuses as to why it doesn’t always fit my schedule.  I find myself entertaining the hypothesis that if I had ever married and had kids, I would have learned sacrifice in relationships and learned what it means to “be needed” by a child, and a servant’s heart would have been cultivated much earlier than now.  Frankly, I overrated my spiritual maturity in the area of serving others.  I am apparently attached to daily routines without major “interruptions”.  It’s just my tendency of making tasks more important than people. 

My Dad is one of the most gracious persons you will meet.  If you had stopped by his hospital room today, as I did, you would have heard him gush about how thankful he is to have me as his daughter and how helpful I am to him, and how he can count on me to pray for him, and how proud he is of me.  He will tell this to nurses in my presence, or staff at his assisted living facility, or anyone who will listen.  (As he sings my undeserved praise to others, I am thinking, “Those rose-colored glasses look really good on you, Dad.  They are working really well at the moment!”)  He is being very kind, even after having processed my struggles with him and sharing with him my own disappointment in myself.   I believe he is being way too generous in his assessment of me. 

The hope I have as I work through this situation is that Christ is not done transforming me into the woman of God He desires me to be in Christ Jesus.  Phil  1:6 says, “Being confident of this, that He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.”  I am praying that He will give me a servant’s heart to serve my Dad and to keep in perspective that in the scheme of eternity, there is no task I am doing that is truly more important than helping my Father out when he needs me.  I am learning boundaries as to what kind of help I can provide, and I am learning to scale back expectations of myself and give myself room to spiritually grow, and I am learning how to pace my daily routine so that requests don’t have to be such an “inconvenience”.  I certainly haven’t arrived, but I am getting there slowly, but surely.

I will still wear my rose-colored glasses.  There are days that I just don’t want to deal with reality, and wearing these glasses help soften the real picture when reality is harsh to look at.  On other days these glasses are quite helpful because I can see the best in a person when they are not always at their best, or see challenging situations that are daunting and embrace them because “it doesn’t look so bad”.  Just as my Dad sees the best in me, I know God always sees the best in me, even when I can’t see it or visualize the end result that He already knows I will someday achieve with His help.  The difference is God doesn’t need a pair of rose-colored glasses.  He sees the beauty in me and what I am becoming in Him without the help of glasses.  That alone gives me hope.

Be sure to bring your checkbooks and arrive early as my rose-colored glasses will be the hottest item to bid on and the first to go. 

Blessings,

Lee Ann

2.21.10 Forward Progress in My Spiritual Journey

I am writing this evening with a high level of encouragement as I am seeing that God is moving in my life and has begun to open doors of ministry here in Austin.  For those who have followed my journaling through all of my notes, you may recall back in November 09 that I expressed frustration at my own resistance to taking steps to sharpen my teaching skills and be even more impactful in the teaching ministry when life is clearly short and days can be so easily frittered away.  You may also recall that I asked for prayer that I would be more intentional about sharpening my skills as I so desire to do more for the Lord.  Your prayers were most helpful.  Here is the progress made toward seeking His leadership in how He wants to use me in a teaching ministry of some kind, the door He has opened, and what I have learned in the waiting process.

First, I took time to have lunch with my senior pastor and an associate pastor after Thanksgiving to share what my gifts were and how they have been manifested in past ministries.  It was a wonderful time to make a meaningful connection and to hear the possibilities of how I might fit at Riverbend Community Church.  As I am writing, I still have other staff members I need to meet to look at all the ministry opportunities where my teaching and evangelism gifts can meaningully intersect their areas of ministry.  In the meantime, the initial starting point was to put me on a substitute teaching list so that I can gain some exposure in a Sunday School setting when the need arises.

Second, I took very generous Christmas gift money and purchased a bible software program that allows me access to quite a library that includes commentaries, original language helps, and all the teaching tools you could ever imagine.  In fact, I will be in Dallas a couple of days this week just to get training on the software to make sure I can use this tool as efficiently and effectively as possible.  This has been an investment in my teaching ministry I have been wanting to make, and I am blessed to be able to acquire this tool.

Third, I am discovering that the Lord has really grown me over the last year in the area of intercessory prayer.  I shared in October 09 that God had led me into an intercessory role for a particular family system that began in March 09, and I have prayed faithfully on a daily basis for almost a year now, and it has provided great joy for me.  The joy of intercession has led me to seek out joining a prayer team for our pastor at Riverbend during the actual worship services.  I discovered a strong group of prayer warriors that pray faithfully during the worship services, and now I am on a schedule to cover one of the services on at least a monthly basis.  It was in this ministry that God has opened a door for me.

The prayer coordinator was learning about my story and what brought me back to Austin, and when she learned my background in ministry, she shared that they were looking for breakout speakers for their upcoming Women’s Retreat in March.  She was faithful to bring my name to their Women’s Retreat committee, and through that process the Lord has opened a door for me to lead some sessions at the retreat the last weekend in March.  I am thrilled that the Lord has given me a great opportunity to meet the women of Riverbend and to use my teaching gifts in the process.

Through this whole process of waiting on the Lord, I found myself asking, “What if the Lord doesn’t open a teaching ministry for me in Austin?”  “What if the intercessory prayer ministry is all He is asking me to do?”  “Can I be content with this intercessory prayer ministry and praying for my pastor behind the scenes?”  The more I pondered this, I found myself asking, “What if the Lord required a strong prayer ministry as a prerequisite from each of us before allowing us to do any other ministry?”   “How many ministries would come to a screeching halt because there wasn’t a strong prayer ministry to undergird it?”  “What would our world look like if 100% of all Christians engaged in prayer first and foremost and simply obeyed whatever the Lord was leading each of us to do?”  “What ministries does He really want us to be engaged in for the cause of Christ?”  “Shouldn’t all Christians have a black belt in prayer before trying to do any other ministry?”  “Shouldn’t all Christians have a powerful ministry through prayer alone?”  “Without a strong prayer ministry, wouldn’t any other ministry we attempt be just in our strength rather than His?”  “What kind of ministry would that be anyway without His power?”  It just seems to me that Christians are without excuse when we think God can’t use us or that we have nothing to offer while the power of the Holy Spirit is inside us just waiting to be unleashed – if we would just spend time with Him in prayer and find out how He wants to use His power in us to further the kingdom of God.

These questions emerged because like many others, I enjoy a more hands on ministry connecting with other people and seeing that I can positively impact peoples lives and help them grow through the teaching ministry.  However, if God never opened a door for me in this arena for the rest of my life, I am learning to be quite content that I can have one of the most powerful ministries possible by simply drawing to Him in prayer and interceding for others daily and watching these prayers loose and bind things on Earth to accomplish His will on Earth as it has already been established in heaven.  I love this process, and now I look forward to seeing glimpses each day of how partnering with the Lord in prayer is impacting His kingdom with or without a teaching ministry.  You gotta love it!

Blessings,

Lee Ann