A year ago my father purchased a foreign currency that is about to be revalued, meaning we had to find a free checking account at a bank that can exchange the currency—and quickly. I suggested a local bank I knew with free checking and a $1 minimum deposit, but when my father looked into transportation, it turned out the service he normally uses doesn’t reach that area. We moved to Plan B.
I confirmed that Wells Fargo would exchange the currency, and I called Dad to let him know that we were in business. I asked him to wait until it was time to exchange the currency, however, and then I’d meet him at the bank and assist him in opening the account and completing the exchange.
“What if you’re in Kansas when this happens?” he asked. “Shouldn’t I have my account open and ready?”
“That’s a good point, Dad,” I said. “But let’s wait for this week to play out before we worry about that.” I was fairly certain the currency would be exchanged before I left.
Dad considered my suggestion maybe five minutes. That same day Dad went into overdrive and decided he needed to pursue this ASAP, so he got on his computer and found Wells Fargo himself. He’s had a non-profit account for his ministry there for years. Instead of lining up transportation to open a checking account, he noticed on the website that he could open an account online, so he proceeded to do so without consulting me. That afternoon I got a phone call stating that he put $150 on his Chase credit card for an opening deposit and $25 for a Savings account.
It sounded tame and simple enough at first. But his follow-up email led me to believe we had bigger issues. He was going to have to set up a draft of $25/month to “keep the account afloat to avoid $10/month fees,” which sent up red flags. After spending two weeks last spring unhooking over twenty bank drafts tied to his credit cards and his bank account, this was the LAST thing I was going to embrace. “Why isn’t his checking account free?” I thought. And why was the minimum deposit $150 of all things?” The account at the other bank only required $1 and was free.
My response to his email was firm. “If we don’t have a free checking account,” I wrote, “then it is not serving the purpose for which it was intended. “ I re-emphasized that this Wells Fargo account was only a shell account, and once the currency is exchanged, the dollars will be wired to his brokerage account at Ameriprise, and the Wells Fargo account will be closed. In the meantime, I would be stopping any drafts of $25/month. Dad responded to my email with confusion. “If Wells Fargo can receive and exchange my currency,” he wrote, “who needs Ameriprise?” (Have I mentioned that Dad set up his brokerage account with me as his advisor to manage the dollars that will come in from the exchange?) I picked up the phone to avoid multiple emails and reminded him that I was a professional financial advisor. “You do what?” he asked. I was floored. It was in this moment I fully grasped the seriousness of Dad’s dementia. Could it be that my father had no recollection of what I do for a living?
With Dad’s mental faculties impaired, I realized I needed to scan his email for any transactions I may not have been aware of. I discovered two emails of the same date entitled, “Welcome to Wells Fargo.” One email was sent at 2:53 p.m. and the second was sent at 4:06 p.m. I’m thinking Dad opened two checking accounts online because he forgot about the first. Both emails showed $150 as the opening deposit. By this time I was commercial, industrial-strength frustrated. I called Dad to ask if he was aware of opening two accounts, and he said no. His intent was to open one checking for $150 and one savings for $25. I told him the emails were indicating two accounts at $150 each. He then asked if I could fix this, and I told him I would try. At this point I was struggling with why I had to clean up yet another mess. If he would quit attempting financial transactions and let me do them for him, we wouldn’t have these problems. I have very little downtime for myself. I feel emotionally drained when I have to use the scarce resource of time to deal with a situation that was preventable.
Seeing that time is precious, I decided I didn’t have time to throw myself a pity party. I pressed on and looked up his Chase account online. Sure enough, there were two pending payments of $150 waiting to be sent to Wells Fargo. What started as a proactive step on my father’s part had turned into a financial fiasco. Dad’s debt is still growing, albeit slowly, and the last thing we need is $300 charged on a credit card plus the interest that will accrue.
Since I had Dad’s permission to “fix this,” I took a copy of my Power of Attorney (POA) and a copy of the account number and went to the nearest Wells Fargo bank. I was nervous because some organizations don’t accept a POA until it’s reviewed by their legal department, which can take a couple of weeks. However, this sweet banker was fine with the documentation I provided and was willing to talk to me about this fiasco. I explained the whole situation, and her solution was quick and decisive.
“Since we don’t see the opening deposits yet,” she said, “we can just close the accounts right now, and the Chase payments will be rejected. It will be as if these accounts were never opened.” I agreed with her recommendation.
“Let’s close them,” I said. She also offered a solution.
“Your Dad doesn’t need to go online to open a checking account. Since his ministry account is here, we have his drivers license, signature card, SSN, etc, on file, so it only takes a phone call to open an account.” I asked if I could do that for him when the time came, and she said yes because she has my POA on file. I profusely thanked her and marveled at God’s wonderful grace.
God just delivered Dad from a mess he unintentionally created. That’s the kind of God we serve. His grace abounds in the messes we make. I have created plenty of messes in my life, and I am thankful that God unconditionally loves me and delivers me. He did it today for my Dad, and He will do it again if He needs to. God is good all of the time. His grace always abounds–even when Dad forgets what I do for a living.
Blessings,
Lee Ann
Boy, Lee Ann, you and I have more in common than you being my financial advisor! I am also have many struggles with a certain stubborn 80-year old man who is my father! My dad’s memory comes and goes….but as time goes on it seems to be gone more than here. Yet, as his doctor when says: When he is good, he is really good. When he is not well, it’s really bad. Grace and peace to you.
Hi, Debbie:
We have alot in common, starting with our love for the Lord! I will never forget the time we met and you shared the account of your Dad buying a chain saw and having to lovingly find a way to remove it from him as he wouldn’t be safe using it. So I know you are integrally involved in assisting your Dad. Let’s keep encouraging one another!
Blessings,
Lee Ann
I’m blessed and encouraged by your faithful servant’s heart for your dad. Despite the difficulty, the love and honor you show your father outshines your frustration – and I know there is frustration in abundance. You inspire me to reexamine my own heart as I struggle with my own aging parents and caring for my sister with Alzheimer’s. May God continue to bless you and give you the strength you need each day to care not only for your dad, but for yourself as well. You are loved, my friend!
Jody,
You are always so kind and encouraging, and I can’t thank you enough. It is when I am experiencing all of the frustrations and letting it show to Dad that I question if I am really a help and blessing to him. He needs as much prayer as I do to be able to handle me when I am not so patient! I know that you, too, have a caregiving role with your sister that is challenging, so I will continue to lift you up in prayer as well. Love to you as well, Jody!
Patrice Ramsbottom wrote:
Thanks, I enjoyed your blog and once again perseverance prevails and proves that God’s hand is in everything… even the messes elder dad’s engineer! In dealing with the veteran’s application with my dad, my sister and I are constantly dealing with issues of backtracking and redoing. However, we too persevere knowing that God is so good at “cleaning up” messes! See you Sunday!
Patrice
Hi, Patrice:
I do understand the concept of “endurance and perseverance”. Even though Dad has been approved by the VA, they had listed my brother as the POA, when I am listed as the primary POA. Someone was just in a hurry inputting data. So now I have a “mess” that needs be cleaned up over there. I will keep praying that your Dad gets accepted. By the way, Donilee was the one who helped me with my app, so pick her brain if you need to!
Blessings,
Lee Ann
Tomi Foust wrote:
God gave your dad a wonderful daughter 🙂
Tomi Ann Foust
Juliana Yoes wrote:
Thank you Lee Ann for sharing your blog with me. It is certainly a tough journey to care for a parent. My mom is herself dealing with a similar situation with my grandma. The situation is a little different since my grandma is in Colombia and my mom here in the US. There only source of communication is the phone, and it had worked very well for many years in keeping their close relationship in place. There was always the hope that my mom would go back to Colombia and take care of her towards “the end”, but we never realized how extensive and uncertain “the end” can become. Even though my mom has been there to visit often, moving to stay with her will be very difficult.
So, of course there are feelings of guilt for not doing that, but more recently my mom has been facing a grieving process because she feels my grandma is not “there” anymore. Although they “talk” on the phone every day, her dementia and parkinson make the conversations very difficult, and my mom with the feeling that her mom is no longer alive and someone else took her place. It is a hard reality to understand, and her love and willingness to care for my grandma sometimes are not enough to cope with the fact that she has changed and her personality is not the same.
Your blog and reading past writings from you, especially the one about the sweater being something you put when your mom feels cold, made me recall something I said to my mom a few days ago. I told her that perhaps what my grandma is waiting for, is for my mom to ask for forgiveness for having failed to come and stay with her permanently as she had promised. Although others can see it very clearly that my mom purpose in life has changed when moving to the US and that her priorities are to be with my dad and us kids and grandkids, my grandma cannot see it the same way. Mainly because she is like a child again, waiting for some comfort from the daughter she’s always considered as her favorite or the one that helped her raise the younger siblings. It is as if the roles changed and my grandma is expecting my mom to be her mom now. Then, you mention some passages from the bible that talk about caring for your parents as they did for you. I wonder if in Gods eyes, my mom should do more, and go and stay with my grandma until the time comes, whenever that is.
I’m not sure my comments help you in any way with your Dad, and what you are facing every day, but I felt like sharing.
Thanks,
Juliana Yoes
Juliana,
Thanks so much for your story and what is going on between your Mom and grandma. Putting myself in your Mother’s shoes, I hope your Mother can rest in the fact that God looks at the heart of a person to evaluate if she is doing all that she can. God has also called your Mother into a marriage, and she has a commitment to your Dad as well. In addition, I would assume that God led your Mother and Dad to come to the states, so your Mother hasn’t wronged her mother in any way by doing God’s will and honoring her marriage.
It sounds like your Mother is grieving that she can’t give the gift of being physically present with her Mother as she hoped she could. Her life circumstances obviously changed that preclude her from going back to Colombia. Even if she could go back, your grandma’s mental condition is going to be the same, so your Mother would probably still feel that she is talking to a different person. You Mother is being emotionally present and doing the best she can with her other commitments as well, so I think your Mother needs permission to grieve the emotional loss she’s experiencing and just stand by her and let your Mother know how much love you see in her heart for your grandma. It sounds like she needs affirmation and encouragement through a most difficult transition.
I hope you’re doing well!
Blessings,
Lee Ann
You try to believe your dad’s mind is not as bad as it seems and you want to help him to be independent as much as possible, but then he says something like “You do what?” that blows you away. And once again you have to realize how much he needs your intervention, what a mess he gets into when he does things on his own, and what a tremendous blessing you are to him. God has you right where you need to be, no matter how difficult, as you honor your dad.
Debbie,
You identified the tension so well! I may be practicing a moderate level of denial as to how bad off he really is. We are seeking professional help to get some objectivity into this picture to make sure the kinds of interventions being offered are really helpful for this chapter of his life.
Blessings,
Lee Ann
Patsy Wimmer wrote:
Unbelievable and how blessed your dad is to have you in his life.
Patsy
Lee Ann you do have the patience of Job…my solution would have been to yank the internet!! See you Friday for lunch and we can get caught up!
You are so funny, Linda! There is definitely too much time on the computer, and that is his vehicle to the outside world. We are getting some professional help to deal with this and help him engage in other activities besides sitting at a computer that tempts him to spend money.
I have been looking forward to lunch with you and Mary Beth for the last several weeks! See you Friday!
Blessings,
Lee Ann
Keep up the good work!!! It is always good to read how God is working in the lives of His servants! It encourages me to stay faithful and pay more attention to how He is working in the little things such as orchestrating bank fees and transportation!!!
Be Strong and Courageous!!!!
Toni Gile:)
Jan Hall wrote:
Thanks Lee Ann. I enjoyed reading your blog. The challenges of life present opportunities to live our faith and obviously…..you are doing that! God’s best to you! 🙂
Jan
Thanks so much, Jan!
Blessings,
Lee Ann