I called Tinsley’s physician, Dr. Booton, mid-afternoon last Tuesday. For the last two weeks, Tinsley kept pacing around the house. On the days I worked from his house, I heard bedside drawers being opened, followed by the sounds of rummaging, and then drawers slammed back into place. I found him in his master bedroom.
“How can I help, Tinsley?” I asked.
“I can’t find my razor blades,” he replied irritably.
After twenty minutes of searching together, I found an empty bank bag stuffed with razors that he stored in the armoire that sits in his living room. On other days, we went through the same process looking for his wallet or for the remote controls to TVs. The pattern of hiding things started before Mother died, especially car keys. It took too much time to search every drawer in every room, so I bought Tiles that ring when you are within 100 feet of the object. So I inserted one in his wallet and attached another to his car key ring.
TILE on Key Ring
On good days, Tinsley would turn the kitchen faucet on to fill a watering bucket for his plants and then walk away. Or he would open the refrigerator in the garage and not shut it tightly.
The nurse had already asked Tinsley to pee in a cup for a quick urinalysis before Dr. Booton saw him. After he walked in and exchanged pleasantries, he began to evaluate him. He asked Tinsley if he had been going to the bathroom more to rule out a urinary tract infection. Tinsley couldn’t answer with yes or no. Instead, he spoke unintelligible mixtures of random words or phrases. I also told Dr. Booton that Tinsley complained about not seeing well. I reported that Tinsley’s ophthalmologist had already ruled out a detaching retina and cataracts. Dr. Booton ruled out the possibility that Tinsley was having mini-strokes. He then explained that Tinsley was probably suffering from a common phenomenon that happens to Alzheimer’s patients. They lose their peripheral vision.
Dr. Booton swiveled on his roller stool. “It is past time,” he said to me.
Tinsley is in the moderate stage of Alzheimer’s disease. Mother had the same condition. When Mother was alive, she and Tinsley found a way to maintain their independence. Tinsley drove at night because Mother’s vision had changed. She maintained a structured schedule on her Yahoo calendar, and all he had to do was show up. But ever since my Mother died, Tinsley was on his own and his anxiety kept growing.
The last month has been revealing. I knew Tinsley was in a bad place when he started wandering away from the house. He used to step outside to pick up the morning paper, the mail, or to check out his yard. But that changed in the last month. Two weeks ago he wandered all the way to Mesa drive, which is a dangerous road. Our neighbor picked him up and took him home. Then a couple of weeks later, he announced to our renter upstairs at 9:30 pm one evening that he was “going somewhere.” He had his cap on and intended to walk out the door. She gently guided him to his chair in front of the TV, gave him a glass of water, and sat with him to calm him down. Then it happened again last week. He not only left the house, but he headed to his friend’s house that sits at the top of Mesa, which is a huge incline.
Looking Up Mesa Drive
It was a hot morning, and our renter followed him in her car. She kept trying to coax him to get in, but he refused. He wanted to be with his friend, Sonny. Sonny wasn’t expecting him, but he lovingly took him in and spent half a day with him.
It has always been my goal to honor Tinsley’s estate plan, which is to keep him home for as long as possible. But my biggest struggle was providing daily supervision. Since Mother died, I’ve taken care of him and made sure he had lunch and dinner. I kept him company as often as possible, including working from his house when I didn’t have client appointments. Instead of going home after work, I watched television with him so he wasn’t alone. At night, I made sure he was tucked in bed before I locked the house and headed home. During the day, I watched him enjoy three chickens that often came to our house from across the street.
Tinsley with a Hen
It didn’t take long to figure out that I couldn’t maintain this kind of schedule. Tinsley needed a consistent caregiver. While praying for guidance, a new opportunity arose. A retired lady from my church needed a place to live within 30 days, so I offered a room upstairs to rent at Tinsley’s house. She was even willing to provide meals for him periodically. She moved in on July 1st. Tinsley adjusted to her living in the house with him, and he appreciated her help on many occasions. However, none of these solutions kept him safe at all times. I could install a deadbolt lock on the front door, but Dr. Booton didn’t like that idea. He said that would increase Tinsley’s anxiety and agitation.
The feeling of failure followed. Why can’t I make it work for him to continue to stay at home, even though he lives in a state of confusion? Can’t I live with him and bring in care throughout the day so I can go to work without worrying about his safety? If Tinsley had received consistent care from one person from Helper Bees, this idea would have merit. Unfortunately, I experienced what many others experience with home health workers. They come and go often. And someone with Alzheimer’s needs a familiar face. Sadness settled in. This is a man who has unconditionally loved me from the moment he married Mother. He was always there for me and never judged me. To say “I love him so much” doesn’t get close to how deeply I respect and adore him. I want to return his love 100 times over, but moving him to a care facility doesn’t express that. It feels so wrong and unfair for someone at age 79. How do I even begin to live with myself? How could I do this to him?
I found Arden Courts, a memory care community, which gave me peace. He’s right down the street from Balcones Country Club, and the community is smaller and more intimate. They have four wings with fifteen rooms in each. Each wing has its own kitchen, community room, and a lovely outside walk area. They have a couple of activity rooms in the main area of the building. He is only twelve minutes from my house and fifteen minutes from my office. I can see him easily every day. After signing paperwork, I drove to his house. I found him in the bathroom trying to shave his face without shaving cream.
I knew it was past time.
Blessings,
Lee Ann
Wishing you peace in this “past” time.
My mom is safely in assisted living where they are trained to care for her in a way I could not. Mom recently was unable to recite the months of the year or count past 13 from 1-20. She is only 77. It is a frightening disease. Blessing on you for your care taking.
Thank you. It is a frightening disease for sure, and it appears to escalate when a person goes through a major event like losing a spouse.
Blessings,
Lee Ann
Dear Lee Ann, we share your feelings of worry over the father you love so dearly. We were in your shoes last year and know the heartache. I hope you finally find peace in this decision and that Tinsely will be treated with the best of care. God does take care of us and our loved ones.
Hi, Letty:
What I feel is failure. The LAST thing I ever wanted to do is have him receive care in a facility versus at home. But reality dictated a different decision, and it was the hardest, most painful decision I’ve ever made in my life. The impact to him has been hard and difficult, but I am counting on the many testimonies from others that he will adapt and appreciate the structure and higher level of care. In the meantime, I love seeing him every day, and every minute with him is precious to me. I am thankful that the Lord knows how to take care of him better than I can!
Blessings,
Lee Ann
It becomes evident at different ages and stages in life ! For his safety & security , you need to put him a secure environment ! I have put several in on Kathy’s side of family& while it is difficult , it is best for him & I think you will be pleasantly surprised at the end results! They interact with others again, eat well and get rest!! He just can’t live by himself anymore! Tell him Dr. Jones orders!!
Love, Uncle Dudley
Hi, Uncle Dudley!
I love your forthrightness! He is certainly getting better structure to his day and engaging in activities throughout the day, which beats sitting in front of a TV at home and then pacing around the house and leaving the house. I look forward to being “pleasantly surprised.”
Love and Hugs,
Lee Ann
Thank you for sharing this, Lee Ann. I am sad for you and for Tinsley but am thankful and grateful for your decision to move him to Arden Court. Having had a dad and a brother-in-law with Alzheimer’s, I know you made the right decision. I hope you are at peace with your decision. In His Love! Linda
Thank you for your reassurance, Linda. I never knew how painful a decision like this would be, but I do now. I have shed many tears over the last ten days. I just never wanted to have to put any parent in a facility, and yet it needed to happen. I think when I see Tinsley reach a place of acceptance that he needs a higher level of care, I’m sure I’ll feel better!
Blessings,
Lee Ann
You are such a caring person! May the Lord help Tinsley to adjust to his new surroundings; and may He bless you for all the love you’ve shown to your Dad, your Mom, and now Tinsley.
Love to you,
Sandy
Thank you so much, Sandy. I love Tinsley dearly, and I see him every day. Please pray that he will still have joy and peace in his own life, while he struggles with his own dementia. I hope you’re doing well!
Blessings,
Lee Ann
You have done the right thing Lee Ann. The facility employs professionals that deal with Alzheimer patients where your dad can get the best care possible. He is lucky to have such a caring daughter as he endures this unfortunate illness.
Thank you for your words of encouragement, Rita. I hope you’re doing well.
Blessings,
Lee Ann
Dear Lee Ann,
“It’s Past Time” – it brings tears to my eyes to hear about Tinsley’s situation and I know it’s hard for you as well as for Tinsley. How do you adjust to changing a living situation for him when it’s a major event? I think about how Tinsley for so many years helped so many people with their golf game and their life. I know as I was one.
Knowing when someone is on the back nine of life, like Tinsley, sometimes changes are needed, and some are difficult to make, however it’s to finish successfully and enjoy the round. Tinsley taught me so many lessons that he helped me change my whole approach to golf that spilled over to my life. He kept encouraging me even though at times I felt not in control or helpless. But with encouragement from him I kept at it and it turned out just fine.
I thank God, Lee Ann, that you have the courage and love to ensure that Tinsley is well taken care of and in good hands. All of us would be so blessed to have someone like you who cares so much! You and Tinsley are in my prayers and may God continue to bless you with peace and rest in Him. Agape – John Gonzalez
Dear John:
Thank you for such a beautiful response. It brings tears to my eyes that people who know Tinsley understand how he blessed so many lives beyond the game of golf. Tinsley is a true treasure to us all, and I am thankful that friends like you will uphold him and our family in your prayers. This is definitely a hard time for us, but God’s grace is always sufficient to see us through each day. Thank you again for such a precious tribute to Tinsley.
Blessings,
Lee Ann
Your walk with God will help you through all the trials of this life. So sorry to hear about Tinsley, but feel sure both of you will find peace in this “new” place. Take care of yourself!
Ephesians 4:13
Love and prayers, Martha Mobley
Thank you, Martha!
Blessings,
Lee Ann
dear Lee Ann—Barb gave this for me to read. I share so very much of this with you–you are so committed to giving wonderful care to T.–but you are wearing yourself out. It is so hard to just let others care for our loved ones, but it must be done that way. I just pray over and over many times per day for God to guide my actions and to try to ease life for him. Some days are so easy, he is so alert and aware of things, though he will never understand why he must live there instead of with me. After 66 years of marriage it is very hard for both of us. I love to hear from you–if talking together sometime would help. call me 785-623-3141 this is my cell phone. Love .
What a sweet note, Marian. I know you have been down this road, I can’t imagine what you must feel to be separated from Ray after 66 years of marriage. I am praying for Tinsley to have joy and peace in this new chapter of life and that he makes the transition well. In the meantime, it’s rocky because he doesn’t think he needs to be there. I have your phone number, so if I need a listening ear, I’ll be calling you!
Blessings and Hugs,
Lee Ann
Oh, Lee Ann, you are suffering from what so many people do. It is heartbreaking. You have done the best you could. Having walked this journey with my mom, I hurt for you. But, God loves him AND you! I predict from watching many people that he will, after awhile, adjust.
Thank you for your words of encouragement, Debbie. Many have said that patients like Tinsley will adjust in due time. But the pain is so fresh, and I don’t see signs – yet – that’s he’s adjusting. When he sees me, he “wants to go home.” That’s so very hard to hear. The Lord is working this all out, but hard nevertheless.
Blessings,
Lee Ann
Great job caring for Tinsley!!!!!! Certainly can appreciate all!!!!! It takes a certain type to do these special chores! God Bless you!!!!
Love,
Debbie
Lee Ann,
You have been doing a fantastic job at caring for Tinsley, knowing 1st hand about caregiving, it’s much more difficult
than it looks, Great Great job,!!!!!!
Love you ,.
Debbie
Bless you, Debbie! You are the ultimate model of a caregiver, and I only wish I could have done for Tinsley what you do for Allen. But Tinsley couldn’t be kept safe. 🙁
Love,
Lee Ann
Oh You are such an angel of mercy. I think once he gets accustomed to his surroundings he will do well. I have nothing to base my opinion on, simply an opinion. You are doing the right thing. Safety first.
God bless
You are sweet, Ro. Safety and Tinsley’s inability to care for himself without hurting himself was definitely front and center in this difficult decision.
Blessings,
Lee Ann
You cannot give the care and love you want to as long as you are working and living your life for God.
This is why people and homes are there who can do the work for you and your loved ones. That will give you peace of mind. And there those health workers too who have experienced the same in their families. You are not alone. We will continue lifting you, the care givers and your step-dad up in the Mighty care of Him alone-Jesus.
Thanks, Dallow. Since you work in a skilled nursing facility, I know that you appreciate what I am going through. May God richly bless people like you who are willing to server our elderly.
Blessings,
Lee Ann
My heart breaks for you. My father was in the beginning of advanced stage Alzheimer’s when we brought him to live here from NM last year. It was a very difficult thing to watch – this self assured man who’d always been so stalwart, not remember how to use the bathroom or that he needed to shower or that disheveled, old man in the mirror was his own reflection.
I so respect and love you for taking care of your mother’s husband in his decline. Arden Courts is a wonderful place and I’m sure he’ll be happy there. Now, I hope you are able to come to terms that you did the right thing and that by giving over his care to experienced professionals, you are honoring his ultimate wish which is to be cared for by people who love him. God bless, my friend.
Thank you, Dana. You are always so encouraging and so thoughtful. Right now the transition has been so difficult. He was fine for the first 10 days, but in the last five days, he’s been very angry at me. I am very discouraged about that. He seems to have enough lucidity to know that he’s not leaving there, and I am surmising that he thinks that I betrayed him. It’s hard enough to make this kind of decision in the first place, and now I have to deal with his anger toward me. Please keep praying for me and Tinsley!
Love and Hugs,
Lee Ann
Thank you for continuing to share your personal journey through such difficult life stages. You are an encouragement to so many dealing with similar situations. May God provide His peace to both you and Tinsley as he adjusts to his new surroundings. You are a wonderful, compassionate daughter doing your absolute best. It is hard to remember that sometimes when you are in the middle of the trials. One thing I am sure of is Tinsley knows he is loved.
Candy B
Thank you for your kind and encouraging words, Candy. It has been a difficult transition for him, and he is currently in an anger stage regarding his situation. He’s mad at me. Please continue to pray for us!
Blessings,
Lee Ann
God bless you Lee Ann. Tinsley is a wonderful man and I am sure you are doing the right thing. Wish you all the best.
Thank you. It has taken multiple reassurances, but I do believe I did the right thing as well with professional input.
Blessings,
Lee Ann
So very difficult. You have done well. Your Mother is pleased.
Thank you, Carrie.
Blessings,
Lee Ann
I love you Lee Ann! I know you have prayed and worried over this!! I know that God helped you find the wonderful and comforting placement for Uncle Tinsley. You have done everything you possible could, you went over and above what some people would. Some people would throw up their hand and stick their loved ones in a home first sign of trouble! You tried every option you could try and then some others! You did everything you could to honor him and keep him where he wanted to be! I can imagine how hard this has been for you. I pray for you constantly and what you are going through. Thank you for Loving Uncle Tinsley, taking care of him and worrying about him! I Thank GOD for bring Aunt Betty Ann, you and Gene to him. It was all apart of HIS plan. Once again, I love you and appreciate all that you are doing for him.
Love,
Jana
Dear Jana:
Thank you for such a sweet note. Yes, I can put my head on a pillow each night knowing I did the best I could. I was even willing to have him live with me, but family members helped me understand from their own experiences with their own parents that I was being unrealistic. Tinsley is now in a safe place, but I will need your prayers all the more. He is really angry at me right now, and I don’t want the enemy to use Alzheimer’s as a way to put a wedge between us. Please pray that I will find favor with Tinsley again.
Love and Hugs,
Lee Ann
Thank you for your thoughtful and considerate story Lee Ann. I had a feeling all that was going on. You made a 100% great decision. I was worried just about every day and when I did call Tinsley he only knew it was me for a few seconds before drifting into randomness. I could not imagine how you were taking care of him but knew you were. The memory care facility sounds like a very good answer.
If you think it would help him to have visitors please let me know who to call about a visit there. When it gets cooler I could go for a walk with him. I played at Balcones CC for years and am very familiar with the neighborhood.
Take care sweet Lee Ann.
Thank you, Carrell. I tried to work from his house most days, but for obvious reasons, couldn’t be there all the time! I had client appointments throughout the week, but knew he could be unattended for a couple of hours or so. It was manageable for awhile, but it was wandering away from the house along with his growing anxiety that created the crisis. If he hadn’t wandered out of the house, he’d probably still be there. Thank you for offering to see him. I have been there every day, but he is in a very angry stage right now. He’s mad that he’s in a facility and he’s mad at me for making the hard decision. I will be meeting with his doctor tomorrow to express my concerns about this and find out if I need to be “absent” for a certain period of time. It is an emotionally tumultuous time for sure.
Blessings,
Lee Ann
Oh my I can’t think of anything harder for you than him being mad. If I could visit him and somehow connect with him to support your decision I would go in a heartbeat. Let me know if I might be able to help. In his mind I might be an unknown, but there is a chance he could connect with me after 37 years of friendship with him and Betty Ann. And those years with his parents every Wednesday and Sunday, then all the times with Helen at Westminster. He might remember even a flash. I will support you all the way.
Thanks, Carrell. I just visited with the physician today, and his strong recommendation was to give Tinsley space to adjust and acclimate. He suggested that I wait a week before I see him so he can adjust to his new situation. We are also not allowed to take him out of the facility as that would be quite disruptive at this point. I will definitely let you know when he is able to handle people seeing him. The doctor walked me through the different medication adjustments that need to be made, which will help him in the long run as well. In the meantime, I have to stay patient with the process and we’re advised to give him room.
P.S. I love your optimism that he would know who you are. I’m not as optimistic. He sees the picture of him and Mother on the throw blanket that the funeral home gave as a gift, and Tinsley thinks the woman is his mother….:(
Blessings,
Lee Ann
Lee Ann that all makes sense. I know you will have a hard week waiting and my heart is with you. I had found a couple of great pictures of Betty Ann on the golf course and had a print made to give him. Now I think maybe you would enjoy it more. I’ll email it to you and if you’d like me to drop it by the house I’d be happy to do so. What a tough year for you.
Thanks, Carrell.
Blessings,
Lee Ann
Praying for you and Tinsley both!
Thank you so much. They are desperately needed!
Blessings,
Lee Ann
My heart aches for these dilemmas – so I pray for your resolve to provide for his safety and that you may still enjoy many hours with him!
Thank you, Pamela. Your prayers are greatly appreciated!
Blessings,
Lee Ann
This is Jim Hopkins. I am so sorry and, unfortunately, know how you feel. My dad has been gone for 10 years now but spent most of his last year in a home. It still breaks my heart to think of him there even though I know it was best and I visited him almost every day. I would love to talk to you soon and visit Tinsley. I love him too and he is a wonderful, very sweet man. Thank you for what you do. 512-547-8106
Thank you, Jim. Tinsley is one of the sweetest, kindest, and humble souls I’ve ever known. It breaks my heart that Tinsley faces this change after losing my Mother just four months ago. I will be glad to give you a call. I have put your phone number in my contact list. Thanks, Jim!
Blessings,
Lee Ann
You made a tough decision! But you made the right decision! I’ve been there and it leaves a very empty feeling and sense of doubt in the back of your mind. Trust your instincts. Tinsley is where he needs to be. He is a gentle and kind man— time makes for a sense of peace with your choice. Rest and good will come to both you and Tinsley!
Thank you so much, Mike! These are truly encouraging words to me. Thank you for your love and support for Tinsley and our family.
Blessings,
Lee Ann