It’s 2am in the morning, and I’m asleep.  The phone rings.  As the cellphone screen brightens the room, my eyes try to focus on who the caller is, and it’s Dad.  I let it roll to the voice mail because Dad is known for impulsively calling and requesting prayer without regard to the time.  I try to go back to sleep, but my curiosity wins, so I listen to the voice mail.  Dad called to report an act of vandalism.  He put his wallet and his cellphone inside some pants that he hid in his microwave oven.  When he went to go get his wallet and phone, he discovered that they were both completely SOAKED.  The pants were dry.  He believes some aide is coming into his apartment while he is asleep and vandalizing him.  He is calling because he wants me to consider spending the night with him to catch the perpetrator in the act.  The account is bizarre.  He thinks it’s demonic, and maybe it is.  It also might be a side effect of one of his medications for depression. 

The world is out to get him, and I am working hard to not discount his reports.  He wrote up an employee named Tootsie because he felt she was inflammatory when they met at an elevator.  She allegedly said with a hostile tone, “You’re finished!”  Dad had no idea what she meant by that, but it created anxiety and a lack of emotional safety. The Nursing Director heard from him.  He called me again Sunday afternoon to ask for prayer and for salvation for “whoever is still vandalizing him.”  He reported that someone came into his apartment while it was unattended and stole a blue bowl and a bottle of Witch Hazel.  For the record, things come up missing regularly because he displaces items in his apartment by moving them to another room, soon forgetting where he left them.  What was once lost and then found gets chalked up as “harassment by a nurse.” Nothing has been stolen!  I have a hard time believing that someone is shuffling items around the apartment just to aggravate him, but Dad has installed motion sensor cameras to catch the nurse in the act.  

This journey with Dad regularly includes tales such as the ones I’ve shared.  Discerning reality is becoming an ongoing routine.  Because of my Father’s state of mind, I continue to grapple with how and when to use my legal right to conduct Dad’s business.  I deeply desire to honor my Dad and give him dignity by giving him a voice in the decisions I would like to make, but what does this look like?  The struggles are many. 

First, Dad is hooked on supplements, which is one of the reasons he’s in debt.  It is not uncommon to meet him for lunch and find a small glass jar filled with 40 supplements.  I watch as all 40 pills slide out of the jar and into his mouth, chased down with enormous gulps of water.  Dad is also on multiple prescribed medications.  I think his primary care physician (PCP) should know what he is taking to make sure he is not counteracting any of his prescriptions.  As the medical POA, I could simply write the physician a letter and apprise her of this.  I’ll give you one guess as to how my Dad feels about that idea. When I mentioned it, he said, “Honey, they are required to cover their tails.  Of course they are not going to support supplements because not all of them have a proven track record.  I believe in optimizing my health, and I believe these supplements are the reason I am as healthy as I am.”  I said, “It still doesn’t change the fact that your PCP should know because you don’t know for a fact that you aren’t offsetting the benefit of prescribed medications.”  Can you see that this exchange is going nowhere fast?  

My family believes that he has a psychological addiction to supplements, and he believes that they have benefitted him over the years, though that can’t be quantified.  He wants to keep popping pills, and I want to see reduced credit card bills.  So how do I honor Dad and yet make sure he is not damaging his health by taking all of these supplements?  How do I make sure he feels his voice is heard?  I met him in the middle. 

I had the list of medications from his PCP, and Dad compiled his list of supplements.  My brother Gene is sending this combined list to a registered dietician, and I am sending this list to a pharmacist who will evaluate the interactions to see if there would be any negative side effects.  Gene and I are waiting on the results, but if there are any red flags, it is understood that we will make his physician aware of it.  If neither professional sees the supplements undermining the efficacy of his medications, then we will probably let this be something Dad will continue not to disclose to his PCP. 

There is also a mental health issue that has been the white elephant in his living room for years.  My Dad has compulsive hoarding disorder.  I don’t have time to explain the key features, but I would invite you to Google it.  I used to joke with Dad that when I would come to visit him, his house looked like another Office Max outlet.  Dad has a major tendency to overstock on anything he buys.  I have never known him to buy one of anything.  It’s a Sam’s store concept taken to an unhealthy extreme.  This has become a cash flow issue as he wants me to buy two to three times what he needs, and he doesn’t have the money to back it up.  Another drawback of this disorder is that nothing can be thrown away because “It’s important and may be useful later.”  Anxiety drives this disorder, and he has had it for years.  His physician has no clue that he suffers with it.  As his medical POA, I think the PCP should know about this.  There are medications that can assist him to reduce his anxiety.  However, to stay consistent with my goal to honor Dad and give him a voice, I introduced him to this disorder first and gave him a thumbnail sketch of it.  I asked him if he would be open to letting a psychologist come in and do a home assessment, but he is resistant.  He has never heard of this disorder, so I am going to provide him with information so he can learn about it. 

The credit card situation also creates tension.  The idea of closing credit cards creates angst.  When I visited with him two weeks ago about the need to move in this direction, he emphatically said, “DON’T!” He proceeded to tell me that these credit cards are his “rescue” if he gets in a bind.  No amount of logic or spiritual truths mattered.  I told him that the Lord was providing for his needs already.  Any expenses above his needs are truly wants.  That would not be heard.  I suggested that credit cards don’t rescue him, but the Lord does.  That would not be heard.  I told him if he had expenses that went beyond his income that he truly needed, our family without question would help him.  That would not be heard either.  Dad feels security holding onto these credit cards.  Again, I am convinced that honoring Dad means letting him have a voice and helping him feel some sense of control.  So I honored Dad by asking him to let me hold most of the credit cards so he wouldn’t spend on them, and in return I made a promise not to close them.  That seems to be working for now.  The good news is that Dad is trying hard not to spend on his credit cards, and he is starting to call me now when he wants to put something on his credit card.  

The help Dad needs goes beyond financial assistance.  Our financial stress reflects his psychological stress.  I have to remind myself that what I experience is only a taste of the turmoil he must feel on the inside.  I need the Lord to season me with grace to exude His compassion and mercy when I am feeling frustrated with my Dad.  I haven’t felt successful in doing this over the last week.  I let my frustrations show several different times, and I need to get a handle on this.  My Dad is a challenge, but I am still up for it because I know that in this journey God’s grace is sufficient, and His power is made perfect in my weakness (2 Cor 12:10).  It’s a long and winding road, and I have no idea where it will end.  Please continue to pray for me and my Dad.  I don’t want to lose sight of the goal to honor him and give him the dignity he deserves.  I believe God is big enough to help me with this.  But I do need His grace and His insights, so please pray! 

Blessings,

Lee Ann

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