It’s 2am in the morning, and I’m asleep. The phone rings. As the cellphone screen brightens the room, my eyes try to focus on who the caller is, and it’s Dad. I let it roll to the voice mail because Dad is known for impulsively calling and requesting prayer without regard to the time. I try to go back to sleep, but my curiosity wins, so I listen to the voice mail. Dad called to report an act of vandalism. He put his wallet and his cellphone inside some pants that he hid in his microwave oven. When he went to go get his wallet and phone, he discovered that they were both completely SOAKED. The pants were dry. He believes some aide is coming into his apartment while he is asleep and vandalizing him. He is calling because he wants me to consider spending the night with him to catch the perpetrator in the act. The account is bizarre. He thinks it’s demonic, and maybe it is. It also might be a side effect of one of his medications for depression.
The world is out to get him, and I am working hard to not discount his reports. He wrote up an employee named Tootsie because he felt she was inflammatory when they met at an elevator. She allegedly said with a hostile tone, “You’re finished!” Dad had no idea what she meant by that, but it created anxiety and a lack of emotional safety. The Nursing Director heard from him. He called me again Sunday afternoon to ask for prayer and for salvation for “whoever is still vandalizing him.” He reported that someone came into his apartment while it was unattended and stole a blue bowl and a bottle of Witch Hazel. For the record, things come up missing regularly because he displaces items in his apartment by moving them to another room, soon forgetting where he left them. What was once lost and then found gets chalked up as “harassment by a nurse.” Nothing has been stolen! I have a hard time believing that someone is shuffling items around the apartment just to aggravate him, but Dad has installed motion sensor cameras to catch the nurse in the act.
This journey with Dad regularly includes tales such as the ones I’ve shared. Discerning reality is becoming an ongoing routine. Because of my Father’s state of mind, I continue to grapple with how and when to use my legal right to conduct Dad’s business. I deeply desire to honor my Dad and give him dignity by giving him a voice in the decisions I would like to make, but what does this look like? The struggles are many.
First, Dad is hooked on supplements, which is one of the reasons he’s in debt. It is not uncommon to meet him for lunch and find a small glass jar filled with 40 supplements. I watch as all 40 pills slide out of the jar and into his mouth, chased down with enormous gulps of water. Dad is also on multiple prescribed medications. I think his primary care physician (PCP) should know what he is taking to make sure he is not counteracting any of his prescriptions. As the medical POA, I could simply write the physician a letter and apprise her of this. I’ll give you one guess as to how my Dad feels about that idea. When I mentioned it, he said, “Honey, they are required to cover their tails. Of course they are not going to support supplements because not all of them have a proven track record. I believe in optimizing my health, and I believe these supplements are the reason I am as healthy as I am.” I said, “It still doesn’t change the fact that your PCP should know because you don’t know for a fact that you aren’t offsetting the benefit of prescribed medications.” Can you see that this exchange is going nowhere fast?
My family believes that he has a psychological addiction to supplements, and he believes that they have benefitted him over the years, though that can’t be quantified. He wants to keep popping pills, and I want to see reduced credit card bills. So how do I honor Dad and yet make sure he is not damaging his health by taking all of these supplements? How do I make sure he feels his voice is heard? I met him in the middle.
I had the list of medications from his PCP, and Dad compiled his list of supplements. My brother Gene is sending this combined list to a registered dietician, and I am sending this list to a pharmacist who will evaluate the interactions to see if there would be any negative side effects. Gene and I are waiting on the results, but if there are any red flags, it is understood that we will make his physician aware of it. If neither professional sees the supplements undermining the efficacy of his medications, then we will probably let this be something Dad will continue not to disclose to his PCP.
There is also a mental health issue that has been the white elephant in his living room for years. My Dad has compulsive hoarding disorder. I don’t have time to explain the key features, but I would invite you to Google it. I used to joke with Dad that when I would come to visit him, his house looked like another Office Max outlet. Dad has a major tendency to overstock on anything he buys. I have never known him to buy one of anything. It’s a Sam’s store concept taken to an unhealthy extreme. This has become a cash flow issue as he wants me to buy two to three times what he needs, and he doesn’t have the money to back it up. Another drawback of this disorder is that nothing can be thrown away because “It’s important and may be useful later.” Anxiety drives this disorder, and he has had it for years. His physician has no clue that he suffers with it. As his medical POA, I think the PCP should know about this. There are medications that can assist him to reduce his anxiety. However, to stay consistent with my goal to honor Dad and give him a voice, I introduced him to this disorder first and gave him a thumbnail sketch of it. I asked him if he would be open to letting a psychologist come in and do a home assessment, but he is resistant. He has never heard of this disorder, so I am going to provide him with information so he can learn about it.
The credit card situation also creates tension. The idea of closing credit cards creates angst. When I visited with him two weeks ago about the need to move in this direction, he emphatically said, “DON’T!” He proceeded to tell me that these credit cards are his “rescue” if he gets in a bind. No amount of logic or spiritual truths mattered. I told him that the Lord was providing for his needs already. Any expenses above his needs are truly wants. That would not be heard. I suggested that credit cards don’t rescue him, but the Lord does. That would not be heard. I told him if he had expenses that went beyond his income that he truly needed, our family without question would help him. That would not be heard either. Dad feels security holding onto these credit cards. Again, I am convinced that honoring Dad means letting him have a voice and helping him feel some sense of control. So I honored Dad by asking him to let me hold most of the credit cards so he wouldn’t spend on them, and in return I made a promise not to close them. That seems to be working for now. The good news is that Dad is trying hard not to spend on his credit cards, and he is starting to call me now when he wants to put something on his credit card.
The help Dad needs goes beyond financial assistance. Our financial stress reflects his psychological stress. I have to remind myself that what I experience is only a taste of the turmoil he must feel on the inside. I need the Lord to season me with grace to exude His compassion and mercy when I am feeling frustrated with my Dad. I haven’t felt successful in doing this over the last week. I let my frustrations show several different times, and I need to get a handle on this. My Dad is a challenge, but I am still up for it because I know that in this journey God’s grace is sufficient, and His power is made perfect in my weakness (2 Cor 12:10). It’s a long and winding road, and I have no idea where it will end. Please continue to pray for me and my Dad. I don’t want to lose sight of the goal to honor him and give him the dignity he deserves. I believe God is big enough to help me with this. But I do need His grace and His insights, so please pray!
Blessings,
Lee Ann
Wow Lee Ann! I find myself feeling for both your Dad and yourself. I can’t help but think a psychologist would be helpful for him with some of the mental issues he is having. I hope he is open to that at some point. I’ve been on the other side of the coin feeling irrational thoughts of non reality when I lived in Wichita and got sick from pesticide sprays. It is probably the loneliest feeling you can have the paranoia anxiety part. I’m fortunate though that once I detox I come back to reality and even in my non reality now I can tell myself the crazy thoughts are not reality. I can also feel for you living on the reality side and all the turmoil of what to do with all this and how to handle it in the most Godly way with an abundance of patience! It sounds like you are being more patient than I would be when your logical reasoning with your Dad isn’t going so good. Like your Dad I like my supplements but I always let my physicians know what I am taking. In fact, I research a lot of that on my own because most Allopathic Drs. are not up on that stuff. Send me his list if you like but smart idea to send them to a pharmacist that is also up on that stuff. You are absolutely right that the supplements can counteract his prescriptions or worse! This can be serious and is nothing to brush under the rug. You’ve got my prayers and this blog helps me know how to focus them!
Nicki
Thanks so much, Nicki! With your medical training as a nurse, I know that you fully appreciate the importance of keeping your medical providers in the loop when it comes to supplements. The irony in this is that my brother and I have been working hard to let him have his “secret” – only to find out from the Nursing Director at the Assisted Living Facility that THEY have let his doctor know that he takes a bunch of supplements! So the MD is at least aware, but she doesnt’ have the specific list yet. I do covet your prayers for wisdom, grace, insight, and the JOY to serve him. I look forward to seeing you the week of Sept 12th!
Blessings,
Lee Ann
lifting up prayers for you and your dad. Thank you for sharing your struggles Lee Ann so we can pray for you.
Thank you for praying for me! This is the most important thing you can do for me and my Dad. Thanks so much for your support, Candy.
Blessings,
Lee Ann
Debbie Little wrote:
Just wanted you to know these postings are helpful to me. My parents are 83 and 81 and starting to fail in being able to handle doing the things they’ve always done. I finally talked them into letting me balance their checkbook monthly, and any time they want to order something on the internet, they now have me help them. I recently found out Dad filled in something wrong on his income tax form and has been going round with the IRS trying to get it fixed, but they didn’t tell me so I could help them! It helps me to see how you’re handing things. I know I will have more to deal with as time passes.
You won’t remember me because it was quite a while ago…you called on me and my husband Roy when we started attending what is now CrossPoint, and I became a friend on facebook. I was so sad back when I found out you were moving because I’d felt such a connection to you and was looking forward to getting to know you better. Now, a little further down the road, I get to read your blogs and get to know you long distance. I’ve been praying for you, but never post anything because you won’t know who I am, but just wanted to let you know you make a difference!
Debbie Little
Hi, Debbie:
I have not forgotten at all who you are! I remember you and Roy quite well and even seeing you attend Surge from time to time. I so appreciate your thoughts, and I am thrilled that God can use my journey to encourage others along the way. Your work with your parents will increase, but it is our opportunity to love them the best way we know how until the Lord takes them home.
Blessings,
Lee Ann
Robin Belknap Smith wrote:
Robin Belknap Smith commented on your link.
Robin wrote: “I am amazed at your patience and diligence. You are a great daughter and advocate for your Dad. I wish you all success and peace…”
Stacy Smith Wood wrote:
Stacy Smith Wood commented on your link.
Stacy wrote: “I will be praying for you Lee Ann! The Lord will give you the strength and mercy you need, as you know! Your motives are pure and upright, and God will honor that! Abide in Him!!”
Dr. Linda Swank wrote:
Lee Ann,
You have the patience of Job! As I read your account I recalled you telling me about your Dad taking halodol when he was younger. His behavior seems a bit schizophrenic and that is very difficult to reason with.
You will continue to be in my prayers. I know you are very busy but as football season begins if you’d like to watch the Horns or Cowboys with some company sometimes I’d love to have you over or come up to your place. Just time for bit of fellowship!
Linda
Hi, Linda:
Thank you so much for your prayers and your words of encouragement! I would love to have fellowship time with you and Mary Beth. It can be a meal, football, or whatever excuse helps us make that happen!
Blessings,
Lee Ann
Leslie Davis Ungerson wrote:
Leslie wrote: “You are a strong woman and there is no doubt you will gain the strength from God to see this thru. Hang in there.”
Caren Upshaw wrote:
Prayers going out to you right now! We were blessed to have a Dad (actually my father in law) who let us “boss him around” as he put it. You can treat him with dignity and also have his finances firmly in your hands!
Blessings on your journey,
Caren
Tomi Ann Foust wrote:
Lee Ann,
Serious prayers going out for you and your dad. What a journey you’re on for him—God bless you both.
Feel the energy every night at 8 pm
Dana Hood wrote:
Once again, Lee Ann – I am so connected with the “truths” in your writing. You and your family are in my prayers. I love reading your blog!
You cannot do this– that is, involving yourself in the delusional minutia if your poor Father’s anxieties. I suspect his angst may very well be from some medicine. perhaps he could be persuaded to substitute something from the dr. for the 40 pills. One might suspect he could use someone with more expertise than this present dr. In any case, you should consider yourself out if your comfort zone and find an expert: 2 am calls?? No!
Hi, Liz: I always appreciate your candor in all of your responses! Dad and I have had the “don’t call at 2am talk”. I could turn off my cell phone, but because it’s the only phone I have, I choose to leave it on for emergency calls. As a Licensed Professional Counselor, I know full well he needs help with both the medical issues and the psychological issues. I am easing him into that process. The Nursing Director has already begun the process of ordering a psych eval to deal with the increased paranoia. I have also already identified a psychologist who specializes in the Hoarding Disorder. Dad is resistant to allowing her in at the moment, and he has to sign a form giving permission for a home assessment, so this is all a process. There is only so much I can say in any given blog, but hopefully, the above helps!
Blessings,
Lee Ann
Thanks for sharing these struggles, Lee Ann. I will continue to agree with you in prayer for the things you mentioned.
Many of the scenarios sound familiar and are just what we dealt with before my Aunt was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s. It made us feel crazy. She is still convinced people are coming in to her apartment (in a secure Alzheimer’s unit) there is no convincing her logically otherwise.
You have come so far down this long and winding road. You don’t journey alone. So glad to be a fellow traveler.
Thank you, Shari. You have been a tremendous friend and prayer warrior for me. I will appreciate your continued prayers. I feel tested almost every day in this situation, and just need His grace to handle what comes in a godly way.
Blessings,
Lee Ann
Lee Ann, look at how Satan is challenging you on this! You are a rational, practical financial organizer, and your father is behaving just the opposite. You’ve moved to Austin to help, but your dad puts up roadblocks (not that he’s in his right mind, but he does). Out of respect, you treat your father as if he is fully functional, when he really isn’t. This is uncharted, unfamiliar territory, and you are on a stream with many turns. You will continue to do the right thing for your dad, even when he fights you on it, because you care about him and know he needs protection. The child is now the parent, and that’s a role none of us want. It’s a hard road, but you are not alone! Praying for you!
Bliss
Bliss, I think you have summarized my struggles most accurately and poignantly! Behind the scenes, the Nursing Director and I are trying to line up help with the mental health issues, as we believe this is a major need for him -though he doesn’t think so. I have the full support of my uncle and my brother to close credit cards and just start managing his expenses. He is being lovingly confronted and held accountable, which is new for him. It is a process, and I am praying that God will give me wisdom on the what, how and when I need to make the harder decisions. Thanks so much for praying for me, Bliss. That is really what I am needing!!
Blessings,
Lee Ann