Tag Archives: Calvyn

10.12.12 Saying Goodbye to Calvyn

I am grieving. I’m not talking about just a feeling of sadness. I am talking about waterfalls of tears over the last three days. I have had the blessing of caring for a dear cat, Calvyn, for 18.5 years. She was a barn kitty I adopted in Iola, KS. I got to bring her into my home as soon as she could be weaned from her Mother. I loved her from the moment I got to hold her:

Calvyn at 8 weeks old

Calvyn at 8 weeks old

Calvyn was a cherished pet who will always have a special place in my heart. She was so easy to care for. Though most cat owners say that cats are generally low maintenance, Calvyn was especially easy. She just wanted to enjoy my company as much as I wanted to enjoy hers. She was one of those cats who wanted to be where I was, but to pick her up and hold her had to be on her terms. So instead of being a lap cat, Calvyn was always by my side. When at home for the evening, her spot was right next to me on the couch. When it was bedtime, she chose to sleep right by my head with her body nestled against my pillow. Before I would go to sleep, I would just love on her. I stroked her just to get her motor going. Her purr started like a lawn mower in the choke position, but after the mower warmed up and was put into full throttle, the engine was loud and strong. Her purr was music to my ears every night. Once her purr was at full strength, she would reach her paws onto my pillow and trap my hair so she could knead it. Try going to sleep with your hair pulled! In the morning when it was time to get out of bed, I would start making the bed and say, “It’s time to get up!” Calvyn immediately knew that was her cue to leave the bed so I could finish the task of making her side of the bed. These rituals have been in place for a long time.

I have always known that cats won’t live forever because no one does. I also know that indoor cats live on the average 17 yrs. So the knowledge that I wasn’t going to have Calvyn much longer has dwelled in the back of my mind since living in Austin the last three years. I did notice over the last year that she was more arthritic.  She walked more slowly and had to work harder at jumping onto furniture. I didn’t think much of it as I feel arthritic too, and it’s something I am learning to embrace that comes with aging.

It was this week that I knew Calvyn was nearing her death. It started with more sleeping than her norm. I have three cats, and I know where each of their napping stations are in my house and when they like to be at their favorite location. On Monday, it was a bad sign that Calvyn never left the couch to join me in bed. So I picked her up and brought her with me. She purred while appreciating my assistance.

Tuesday included another signal that Calvyn wasn’t feeling well. After I got home from work, I went looking for her to see if her lethargy was temporary, but it wasn’t. I found her hiding while curled up on the closet floor. This was her hiding place when movers were trapsing in and out of my home while moving me in. It registered with me that Calvyn was withdrawing. Because it appeared that she hadn’t moved far from the bed to the closet, I worried that she wasn’t eating or drinking.  I decided to bring the food and water to her in the closet hoping she would be interested. She drank lots of water, but ate no food. I brought in one of her favorite blankets and put her on top of it since it was softer than the carpeted floor. While I expressed my affection to her, she was very responsive and kept purring, which gave me some hope, but my grieving process began. As soon as I left the closet, I couldn’t stop crying. I knew I was losing her, and it was just a matter of time. When bedtime came, I couldn’t stand the thought of her dying alone in the closet, so I picked her up and took her to bed with me. She was content, but she hardly moved.

On Wednesday morning, she was allowed to stay put. My bed was half-made. I made sure she was fed, so I filled up her water bowl and brought it to her. She enjoyed breakfast in bed, but then within five minutes, she threw it up. I cleaned up the mess, and with tears just told her how much I loved her, but needed to head to the office. I left wondering if that was going to be the last time I would see her. My heart just hurt, and I cried all the way to work.

After returning from work, I was amazed that Calvyn had the strength to move herself off my bed and into the living room. I was thrilled that she wanted to be where I was during the evening hours. Since she got herself to the living room, I determined she was well enough for me to take my usual 30 minute walk with my ipod. As I was walking, I was listening to some of my favorite sacred pieces, and when the Lutkin benediction began to play, I started to cry right in the middle of my walk. As I listened to, “The Lord bless you and keep you. May His face shine upon you and be gracious to you; may the Lord turn His face toward you and give you peace,” I started to pray these words to the Lord for Calvyn. I poured my heart out asking God to spare Calvyn of any suffering or pain and to allow me to be with her until she passes. I have no idea what my neighbors were thinking, but I finally got back to the house and found Calvyn right where I left her.

I tried coaxing her to the couch, but she wouldn’t budge. So I picked her up to stand her up, and her legs just collapsed like a house of cards. So I picked her up and placed her on my lap. The tears started to flow again, and I spent a couple of hours just talking to her, brushing her, which she loves, and petting her. She still purred, so I knew she was content:

I spent two hours talking to her. She loves to be stroked, petted, and brushed.

I spent two hours talking to her. She loves to be stroked, petted, and brushed.

When I picked her up from my lap to carry her to my room for bedtime, she let me know that it hurt her. So to keep her comfortable, I put her in her favorite fluffy pet bed, and then I picked her up in that bed so it was easier to transport her without causing her any pain. Using her favorite pet bed solved another concern. Since it was obvious she couldn’t walk anymore, going to the litter box was not going to happen. So having her in her favorite bed would catch any “accidents”. With her pet bed next to my pillow, we were ready for bed. However, I did not sleep that night. I was in tune to every sound or request that she made. What did happen that was so sweet is that she made a special effort to reach her paws over her bed to touch my hair. That loving act triggered another crying spell.

I had to get up early Thursday morning for a company training session that was 1.5 hours away. Calvyn meowed just once around 5am that communicated distress. I have never heard her meow like this. I was torn. Should I punt the training, or take the risk that she will be around another day? As I prayed for guidance, I felt God’s peace to head to the training. How He showed me it was OK to leave is that when I brought a water bowl to her first thing Thursday morning, she drank most of it. I just sensed she would be sustained. I loved on her and told her again and again what a joy she has been in my life and that she has been nothing but a pleasure as my sweet companion. I parted with, “I love you, Calvyn” and headed out the door – again wondering if she would be alive when I returned. The roadtrip began with more Kleenex.

Every Thursday evening I have a prayer ministry team who meets with me to pray over the Women in the Word Sunday School class that I lead. Tonight was different. It was only me and Bonnie. I just unloaded on her the amount of grief I was experiencing and how I was struggling with whether or not I should take Calvyn to the veternarian to be put to sleep or just let her die at home. I worried that I was being selfish to want her at home. She gave wonderful counsel and assured me based on what I was describing that Calvyn was showing the common signs of a cat nearing death. I had already researched the internet on this topic and made a couple of calls to some veternarians to determine I was doing the right thing, but I just needed reassurance. Needless to say, we spent time praying less over the class than usual.

Instead, we prayed in agreement for the Lord to usher Calvyn into His presence without pain and suffering. We appealed to His nature of being a loving, compassionate, merciful and gracious God. We asked Him to help me show tenderness, gentleness, kindness and love to Calvyn in her final hours. Most importantly, we prayed that He would give me the grace gift of allowing me to be with her so she wasn’t alone when she passed. This hour was filled with many tears. I thank God for my dear sister in Christ who held me up before the Lord when I could barely do it myself.

I got home that evening thanking God for His grace to allow me to still have Calvyn for however long I had left. She was still in her pet bed by my pillow. I brought her a bowl of water, and it was all she could do to hold her head up, but she drank a healthy amount. As we settled in for bedtime, I just knew in my heart she could go anytime. I prayed the same prayers over Calvyn as Bonnie and I prayed. I even asked the Lord to allow Calvyn to stay in my mansion until I got there. After more tears, I went to bed with Calvyn by my pillow. It was a sleepless night. The strange meows happened once every hour it seemed, and I would comfort her every time it happened. While both of us were trying to sleep, I could tell her breathing became shallow. I would just pet her and stroke her to remind her that I was right by her side and wouldn’t leave her.

Today my alarm went off at 7:30am, but it was pointless because I had been awake all night. It just meant it was time to start getting up and around. Calvyn’s breathing pattern changed again. Her breath intake was slow as was the exhale. Each exhale came with a soft, prolonged moan. I brought her a bowl of water to see if she would drink. She did, but she lost interest after a few swallows. I just had this feeling that we were within an hour of her passing. I cancelled my client appointment for this morning. I just sat there with my Kleenex sobbing as I spoke to her, stroked her, and brushed her very lightly. I prayed over her again and asked for no suffering and pain. I then asked the Lord to take her home. At the conclusion of my prayer, Calvyn was in a position that I knew would not change:

Calvyn's final position in her favorite fluffy pet bed when she drew her last breath

Calvyn’s final position in her favorite fluffy pet bed when she drew her last breath

I had finished getting dressed and came back to her side. She threw up some saliva, and after that she put her head back down. Within a few more breaths, she passed away while I was petting her and assuring her that I loved her and wouldn’t leave her. She died this morning at 9:35am.

I thank God for His tender mercies and His love for Calvyn and me. What a precious, sweet time it was to watch Calvyn enter into eternity. She was not in pain, nor was she suffering. God was so faithful to answer every prayer uttered for Calvyn. I can’t thank you enough, Lord Jesus, for the precious gift of Calvyn, or for the gift of answering every prayer to give her a peaceful homecoming. I love you, Calvyn.

Blessings,                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                         Lee Ann