I am grieving. I’m not talking about just a feeling of sadness. I am talking about waterfalls of tears over the last three days. I have had the blessing of caring for a dear cat, Calvyn, for 18.5 years. She was a barn kitty I adopted in Iola, KS. I got to bring her into my home as soon as she could be weaned from her Mother. I loved her from the moment I got to hold her:
Calvyn at 8 weeks old
Calvyn was a cherished pet who will always have a special place in my heart. She was so easy to care for. Though most cat owners say that cats are generally low maintenance, Calvyn was especially easy. She just wanted to enjoy my company as much as I wanted to enjoy hers. She was one of those cats who wanted to be where I was, but to pick her up and hold her had to be on her terms. So instead of being a lap cat, Calvyn was always by my side. When at home for the evening, her spot was right next to me on the couch. When it was bedtime, she chose to sleep right by my head with her body nestled against my pillow. Before I would go to sleep, I would just love on her. I stroked her just to get her motor going. Her purr started like a lawn mower in the choke position, but after the mower warmed up and was put into full throttle, the engine was loud and strong. Her purr was music to my ears every night. Once her purr was at full strength, she would reach her paws onto my pillow and trap my hair so she could knead it. Try going to sleep with your hair pulled! In the morning when it was time to get out of bed, I would start making the bed and say, “It’s time to get up!” Calvyn immediately knew that was her cue to leave the bed so I could finish the task of making her side of the bed. These rituals have been in place for a long time.
I have always known that cats won’t live forever because no one does. I also know that indoor cats live on the average 17 yrs. So the knowledge that I wasn’t going to have Calvyn much longer has dwelled in the back of my mind since living in Austin the last three years. I did notice over the last year that she was more arthritic. She walked more slowly and had to work harder at jumping onto furniture. I didn’t think much of it as I feel arthritic too, and it’s something I am learning to embrace that comes with aging.
It was this week that I knew Calvyn was nearing her death. It started with more sleeping than her norm. I have three cats, and I know where each of their napping stations are in my house and when they like to be at their favorite location. On Monday, it was a bad sign that Calvyn never left the couch to join me in bed. So I picked her up and brought her with me. She purred while appreciating my assistance.
Tuesday included another signal that Calvyn wasn’t feeling well. After I got home from work, I went looking for her to see if her lethargy was temporary, but it wasn’t. I found her hiding while curled up on the closet floor. This was her hiding place when movers were trapsing in and out of my home while moving me in. It registered with me that Calvyn was withdrawing. Because it appeared that she hadn’t moved far from the bed to the closet, I worried that she wasn’t eating or drinking. I decided to bring the food and water to her in the closet hoping she would be interested. She drank lots of water, but ate no food. I brought in one of her favorite blankets and put her on top of it since it was softer than the carpeted floor. While I expressed my affection to her, she was very responsive and kept purring, which gave me some hope, but my grieving process began. As soon as I left the closet, I couldn’t stop crying. I knew I was losing her, and it was just a matter of time. When bedtime came, I couldn’t stand the thought of her dying alone in the closet, so I picked her up and took her to bed with me. She was content, but she hardly moved.
On Wednesday morning, she was allowed to stay put. My bed was half-made. I made sure she was fed, so I filled up her water bowl and brought it to her. She enjoyed breakfast in bed, but then within five minutes, she threw it up. I cleaned up the mess, and with tears just told her how much I loved her, but needed to head to the office. I left wondering if that was going to be the last time I would see her. My heart just hurt, and I cried all the way to work.
After returning from work, I was amazed that Calvyn had the strength to move herself off my bed and into the living room. I was thrilled that she wanted to be where I was during the evening hours. Since she got herself to the living room, I determined she was well enough for me to take my usual 30 minute walk with my ipod. As I was walking, I was listening to some of my favorite sacred pieces, and when the Lutkin benediction began to play, I started to cry right in the middle of my walk. As I listened to, “The Lord bless you and keep you. May His face shine upon you and be gracious to you; may the Lord turn His face toward you and give you peace,” I started to pray these words to the Lord for Calvyn. I poured my heart out asking God to spare Calvyn of any suffering or pain and to allow me to be with her until she passes. I have no idea what my neighbors were thinking, but I finally got back to the house and found Calvyn right where I left her.
I tried coaxing her to the couch, but she wouldn’t budge. So I picked her up to stand her up, and her legs just collapsed like a house of cards. So I picked her up and placed her on my lap. The tears started to flow again, and I spent a couple of hours just talking to her, brushing her, which she loves, and petting her. She still purred, so I knew she was content:
I spent two hours talking to her. She loves to be stroked, petted, and brushed.
When I picked her up from my lap to carry her to my room for bedtime, she let me know that it hurt her. So to keep her comfortable, I put her in her favorite fluffy pet bed, and then I picked her up in that bed so it was easier to transport her without causing her any pain. Using her favorite pet bed solved another concern. Since it was obvious she couldn’t walk anymore, going to the litter box was not going to happen. So having her in her favorite bed would catch any “accidents”. With her pet bed next to my pillow, we were ready for bed. However, I did not sleep that night. I was in tune to every sound or request that she made. What did happen that was so sweet is that she made a special effort to reach her paws over her bed to touch my hair. That loving act triggered another crying spell.
I had to get up early Thursday morning for a company training session that was 1.5 hours away. Calvyn meowed just once around 5am that communicated distress. I have never heard her meow like this. I was torn. Should I punt the training, or take the risk that she will be around another day? As I prayed for guidance, I felt God’s peace to head to the training. How He showed me it was OK to leave is that when I brought a water bowl to her first thing Thursday morning, she drank most of it. I just sensed she would be sustained. I loved on her and told her again and again what a joy she has been in my life and that she has been nothing but a pleasure as my sweet companion. I parted with, “I love you, Calvyn” and headed out the door – again wondering if she would be alive when I returned. The roadtrip began with more Kleenex.
Every Thursday evening I have a prayer ministry team who meets with me to pray over the Women in the Word Sunday School class that I lead. Tonight was different. It was only me and Bonnie. I just unloaded on her the amount of grief I was experiencing and how I was struggling with whether or not I should take Calvyn to the veternarian to be put to sleep or just let her die at home. I worried that I was being selfish to want her at home. She gave wonderful counsel and assured me based on what I was describing that Calvyn was showing the common signs of a cat nearing death. I had already researched the internet on this topic and made a couple of calls to some veternarians to determine I was doing the right thing, but I just needed reassurance. Needless to say, we spent time praying less over the class than usual.
Instead, we prayed in agreement for the Lord to usher Calvyn into His presence without pain and suffering. We appealed to His nature of being a loving, compassionate, merciful and gracious God. We asked Him to help me show tenderness, gentleness, kindness and love to Calvyn in her final hours. Most importantly, we prayed that He would give me the grace gift of allowing me to be with her so she wasn’t alone when she passed. This hour was filled with many tears. I thank God for my dear sister in Christ who held me up before the Lord when I could barely do it myself.
I got home that evening thanking God for His grace to allow me to still have Calvyn for however long I had left. She was still in her pet bed by my pillow. I brought her a bowl of water, and it was all she could do to hold her head up, but she drank a healthy amount. As we settled in for bedtime, I just knew in my heart she could go anytime. I prayed the same prayers over Calvyn as Bonnie and I prayed. I even asked the Lord to allow Calvyn to stay in my mansion until I got there. After more tears, I went to bed with Calvyn by my pillow. It was a sleepless night. The strange meows happened once every hour it seemed, and I would comfort her every time it happened. While both of us were trying to sleep, I could tell her breathing became shallow. I would just pet her and stroke her to remind her that I was right by her side and wouldn’t leave her.
Today my alarm went off at 7:30am, but it was pointless because I had been awake all night. It just meant it was time to start getting up and around. Calvyn’s breathing pattern changed again. Her breath intake was slow as was the exhale. Each exhale came with a soft, prolonged moan. I brought her a bowl of water to see if she would drink. She did, but she lost interest after a few swallows. I just had this feeling that we were within an hour of her passing. I cancelled my client appointment for this morning. I just sat there with my Kleenex sobbing as I spoke to her, stroked her, and brushed her very lightly. I prayed over her again and asked for no suffering and pain. I then asked the Lord to take her home. At the conclusion of my prayer, Calvyn was in a position that I knew would not change:
Calvyn’s final position in her favorite fluffy pet bed when she drew her last breath
I had finished getting dressed and came back to her side. She threw up some saliva, and after that she put her head back down. Within a few more breaths, she passed away while I was petting her and assuring her that I loved her and wouldn’t leave her. She died this morning at 9:35am.
I thank God for His tender mercies and His love for Calvyn and me. What a precious, sweet time it was to watch Calvyn enter into eternity. She was not in pain, nor was she suffering. God was so faithful to answer every prayer uttered for Calvyn. I can’t thank you enough, Lord Jesus, for the precious gift of Calvyn, or for the gift of answering every prayer to give her a peaceful homecoming. I love you, Calvyn.
Blessings, Lee Ann
Oh Lee Ann, I am very sorry you lost your dear loved one. When they have been with you that long it is difficult but how wonderful you were there to comfort God’s creature and send her back. I do hope to see my animals that I have loved over my lifetime when I enter the Kingdom…I really look forward to seeing Walker again!
God Bless you and keep you and love extra on the other kitties. Love you sister.
Mary Parris-Land
Thank you, Mary. God in His grace allowed me to have a schedule this week that would allow me to be with Calvyn as much as possible. It was a journey I will never forget. I do think we will see the animals God asked us to care for, and I look forward to that! I know you will be thrilled to be reunited with Walker!
God bless you to, Mary. I wish we lived in the same city! Love and Hugs, Lee Ann
Lee Ann, I feel your pain and have my deepest sympathy for your loss of Calvyn. I have had pets pass that I think I cried harder over than some human beings! I pray you soon find another Calvyn to help fill your void. When my dog passed two years ago I said no more, but within a week something drew me to the Humane Shelter and there was the replacement waiting for me—it was as if my dog had waited until this wonderful dog was at the shelter waiting just for me before she went to doggy heaven. She is so much like the one I had!!! God Bless!
Hi, Darlene:
Thank you so much for your kind words and sympathy. I resonate with crying harder over a pet than a human. Pets are truly with you 24/7, and you connect with them daily, whereas our connection to humans can be infrequent, occasional, etc. The bond won’t be the same. It is touching to read how you were drawn to the Shelter only to find a dog waiting just for you! I still have two other cats that came from my Dad when he had to move into assisted living. My attachment is not quite the same at this point, but it doesn’t mean it can’t grow! Thanks again for reaching out. I hope you’re doing well!
Blessings,
Lee Ann
Lee Ann, This makes me so sad! I cried reading this! I know the pain you are feeling because I love my black cat, Mert, (that looks an awful lot like Calvyn) when she was 19. I miss her still today and I know she is with God! You were a wonderful mama to Calvyn and I know you brought her great amounts of peace as she passed. I’m glad you got to say your goodbyes and that you got to be with her till the end! I know you will be sad for a while but I hope you can get some rest!
Thank you, Laurie. I know you understand! I have had other pets in my life, but I don’t recall being around when they passed, or I might have moved out of my parent’s house. So losing Calvyn since holding her at 8 weeks old has brought an intense grief that I did not imagine. It’s overwhelming, but I know with God’s grace I will be able to land at a good place and enjoy sweet memories of her. Love you, friend! Lee Ann
Oh Lee Ann, I sobbed as I read this. Losing a pet is in some ways harder than losing a human loved one. I think it’s perhaps because they don’t speak words to alleviate us of the sadness – to reassure us that they are ok with their trip home, but when you really think about it – words aren’t necessary, are they? You knew, just as she did that God was with you, His presence was with her every day of her life and He surely was there to open the pearly gates for her. My heart goes out to you, because it is those of us left behind that struggle. Trying to find balance and peace beneath the layers of loss. But know that God’s plan is at work and always for good. Calvyn’s life touched yours for a time and you hers. The lessons you learned from each other are worth examining now and in doing that, I pray you find joy in her memory. ♥
Dana:
Thank you for such a sweet response and thoughtful response. There is no question that God’s presence has been with me and Calvyn all of these years. I especially felt His presence this week, and especially this morning. I strongly believe that Calvyn had to know His presence as well. I do think it is valuable to reflect on the relationships God gives us, even with animals. When I can get to a place where I am not fighting tears, I will try to reflect on lessons learned from Calvyn. Thanks for always being my encourager.
Blessings,
Lee Ann
Lee Ann,
I am so sorry. I have dealt with the end of 4 kitty relationships and each was so hard. My first kitty, Cupid, died at 17 years old. He was my baby for so long. He was a constant through many changes in my life. It was so hard to let him go.
It sounds like you were such a sweet parent to Calvyn-very dedicated. How lucky she was to have you. I hope you can feel god’s peace at this very emotional time.
Thanks for sharing this with us.
Tish
Thank you, Tish. I can’t even imagine losing four cats, especially if I had started caring for them as a kitten. That sounds crushing at the moment! I do feel God’s peace and presence, but it is still in the midst of tears. Today has been less hard than the last four days, but tears are still being released.
Thanks for your caring support.
Blessings,
Lee Ann
Once again you have touched my heart. Today,so deeply with your telling of a loving relationship between a beloved pet and her loving “parent/friend”. Only a cat owner can really understand all those favorite moments and emotions. I’m so sorry that she passed and I understand every word you expressed.
God’s best to you Lee Ann. Thanks for sharing.
Thank you, Jan. I know you have a passion for cats yourself, so I know you understand everything being expressed! Love you, friend.
Blessings,
Lee Ann
Lee Ann, I’m so sorry for your loss. For me one of the hardest things in life is saying goodbye to a loving pet. I’ve lost dogs, cats & horses. Most recently I had to put my Golden Retriever to sleep because she had lymphoma and could no longer swallow. She was a faithful friend to me to the end. You are in my prayers today!
THank you for your prayers, Tracy. That is SO appreciated. Having to put a pet to sleep would just wrench my heart. I can’t even stand the thought of it, but I know in some cases, it’s the most loving thing to do when a pet is truly suffering. My heart goes out to you for having to go through that.
Thank you so much for your continued interest in my journey. Take care!
Blessings,
Lee Ann
Dearest LeeAnn
What a beautiful posting. I know your grief is real because I have had similar experiences with cherished pets. Even years after their passing, I still tear up when I think about them.
Thank you so much, Cheryl. It truly helps me to know that when you think of your cherished pets years later, you still tear up. I think I am going to experience the same. When it happens, I will know it’s normal!
Thanks again for expressing your care and encouragement. I hope to see you Sunday!
Blessings,
Lee Ann
My heart hurt for you, I have lost a couple of awesome pets. Praise God for allowing it to happen in a gracious and loving way. His love always feels our pain too. I believe he loves our sweet precious creatures as much as we do. God be with you.
Thank you for your support and encouragement, Ro. I am praising and thanking God for His tender mercies throughout this week. What a sweet gift to be stroking Calvyn while in her last hour of life – and especially when she took her last breath. To see her to the very end was an incredible privilege from the Lord that allowed me to love Calvyn to the very last second of her life.
Blessings,
Lee Ann
I’m so sorry for your loss, I weep with you. Our pets are our family and become as close to us as any human ever could. And I know that for some of us there’s that one extra special one that is so close to our heart, a special relationship beyond the bond we’ve had with others. It’s unexplainable, but their loss is beyond any other. I lost my special one in March, a 12 year old poodle named Bridget. I’ve lost other pets, but the grief over her loss was so incapacitating, it was like losing a child. I still miss her so much and still catch myself start to do things like save some of my food for her, expect her to greet me at the door, or wake up thinking I feel her next to me in the bed, bringing fresh tears. But I thank God for the time I had with her, for how close she was to me and for being able to be with her all the time she was sick and dying. to comfort her. I know she’ll come along with Jesus to meet me when it’s my time, just as Calvyn will meet you someday. Praying for God to wrap you in His arms and keep you surrounded with love and comfort.
Debbie,
Thank you for your kind words. I appreciate how many like you truly get the intensity of this grief because of the special bond we have with our pets. When I read your descriptor “incapacitating”, I resonated with you. I feel this grief at such a deep level that I have wondered how in the world a parent could lose a child. It has felt overwhelming. But I will tell you that many have been praying for me, and I have felt God’s love and comfort – in the midst of my tears. Your prayers are so meaningful to me. May you be blessed with being reunited with Bridget!
Blessings,
Lee Ann
Linda Swank wrote:
Lee Ann,
I am so sorry. I love my two cats and I know how much joy a pet can give us. I love what Joni Eareckson Tada says, that she is sure pets will be in Heaven!(: of course not sure about that doctrine but it reflects how we love the little creatures God gives us!
Thank you, Linda. I used to have questions about whether we would see our pets in heaven until Randy Alcorn came out with his book entitled Heaven. He dedicates a whole chapter on whether we will see our pets, and he says yes. He even quotes Joni Eareckson Tada later in the chapter. Here were the first four Scripture references used, but you really need to get the book:
Rev 21:5 – He will make “all things” new. It’s not just people, but animals too.
Rom 8:21-23 The “creation itself” will be liberated from its bondage and decay….the “whole creation” has been groaning as in the pains of childbirth…we await eagerly the redemption of our bodies.”
Psalm 104 – God demonstrates intimate involvement with the lives of his animals. (cross reference Matt 19:28)
Luke 3:6 – “All flesh” will see the salvation of God. “All flesh” in the Greek includes animals, so they too will benefit from God’s redemptive work.
Alcorn takes the position that on the New Earth, both mankind’s bodies and the animals bodies, both of whom have suffered will be a part of the New Earth. I can’t do this chapter or his book any justice, but it would be worthwhile read. I refer to it often!
Thanks for your love and encouragement!
Blessings,
Lee Ann
Lee Ann, thank you so much for this touching post! I am certain that many of us have some idea of the depth of your grief. Last year we had to euthanize a beloved dog; and I know my 15 year old cat Tigger is showing very slow signs of decline. I had always hoped that God would allow us to see our pets in heaven; I must read the book you have referenced! It always seemed intuitive to me that this was a possibility, since we have such a loving God that he gave us our animal companions. I will pray now for His loving arms to enfold you and bring joy and peace.
Debbie,
Thanks for your sweet prayer for me and for your support and encouragement at this time. I am glad you got to see the response on the theology of our pets in heaven. For many years I wasn’t sure if we would get to see them in heaven, but Randy Alcorn, my favorite Christian author, does a fabulous job showing much Scripture that helped me land comfortably on the idea that we will see them again. His book is a great read because he knocks out the misconception that “the Bible doesn’t talk a lot about heaven”. It is worth your time to purchase it. If nothing else, it serves as a solid reference book when you have different questions about heaven. One chapter is entitled, “Will we be bored in heaven?” Anyway, please go get it. I think your intuition is right along with many others.
Thanks again for your continued support and interest in my life journey. God bless you, Debbie.
Blessings,
Lee Ann
Mignonne Owens wrote:
Sorry to learn of Calvyn’s passing. I think that I loved the little girl about as much as you did. She always wanted to sit on my lap when I went over to take care of her and Hobbes. She would always mind and come in when she was called. Now, Hobbes, he just stood there with hands on hips and looked at me with a mean voice and said “make me”. You are a good kitty mama. Had a dream about you and Calvyn last night.
The story is that a group of us felt sorry for you and tried to cheer you up somehow. We got together a party for the two of you. Everyone one was to bring a black cat. Either borrowed from a neighbor, one’s own, from a shelter, or stray or any other way you could get one. We all sat around and visited eating cat munchies. At the end, we let you have the choice of which cat would be yours. I leaned down to pick up the one cat I brought and you told me to get my hands off your cat. So we spent the rest of the evening getting her settled and fed and you as well.
I think that I need a shrink. Much love and sympathy. Mignonne
This is so sweet and hilarious at the same time!! The least I could do was be polite in how I asked you to leave my new black cat alone! Thank you for your love of my cats when I needed them to be cared for in my absence.
Blessings,
Lee Ann
Thanks for what you wrote, Lee Ann!
Our cat Misty is about 18 years old. We really don’t know; one day she was at our door and I asked Joyce what would happen if we let her in and fed her. Joyce, being a cat lover, knew exactly what would happen.
Well, Misty is getting old, and much slower. She has accidents, occasionally. But we love her. One day, she will pass away, and we are glad for what you wrote, as it prepares us for the inevitable.
By the way: Christoph, our oldest son, had a very strong seizure today and threw up as well. That was hard for Joyce to witness.
Greetings,
Bernhard
Hi, Bernhard!
You are right that Misty won’t be with you much longer. Calvyn was the first cat I cared for from beginning to end, so the loss was intense and overwhelming. But I will tell you that it was the most precious gift from the Lord to be right there with her stroking her through her last breath. I will treasure that time in my heart the rest of my life. God was faithful and present every step of the way, and He will be for your family.
I am so sorry to hear about Christoph and his seizures. Has this been a lifelong issue? I will pray for healing for him.
Take care!
Blessings,
Lee Ann
Dear Lee Ann,
Thank you for writing back. Christoph has had Tuberous Sclerosis for all his life, and the seizures started when he was two, 21 years ago. We are truly acquainted with the being overcomers.
Bernhard