I wish I could say I’m a patient daughter with my Dad at all times, but I can’t because it isn’t true. One aspect of caring for Dad that creates tension for me is being asked to shop for medicines or products prohibited by a facility.
While Dad was in a rehab hospital, he asked me numerous times to buy him Benadryl, Imodium, aspirin, and 5-hr energy drinks. These requests frustrated me. I shouldn’t have to spend his money to buy meds already provided by the medical facility! I want to use those dollars to pay down his credit card debt. I decided to explore this with the team of therapists and Cheryl, a nurse, in Dad’s care plan meeting.
“Cheryl, about a month ago Dad asked me to bring him Benadryl, and you brought to my attention that the doctor removed it from his room,” I said. “I learned that this facility has some legal liabilities if medications are not monitored, so I informed Dad that he needs to ask the nurse for these kinds of items. But just a couple of days ago, he called and asked me to bring him aspirin and 5-hr energy drinks. It sounds harmless, but I don’t want to break any rules,” I said.
“Harry, do NOT put that kind of request on your daughter!” Cheryl said emphatically. “That is not fair to her. We have told you before that you are in a controlled setting, so you can’t have her bring in medicines.” Dad’s anger began to rise.
“I am SOVEREIGN. I am a human being. Why can’t I have aspirin!?” Dad asked. “I have also been taking Benadryl prudently twice a day for FORTY-SIX years, and I have never had a seizure, nor does it make me drowsy.” Cheryl lectured him again about being in a controlled setting and the legal liability they face when patients take meds without their supervision.
I knew Dad was angry with the outcome, but I thought he would cool off and embrace the reality of being in a controlled setting. I was wrong. A week later Dad phoned me to inform me that he took a trip to Walmart and spent $80.
“What purchases did you make at Walmart?” I asked warily.
“I was running short on pullups, and I also bought a couple of bottles of aspirin and loaded up on 5-hr energy drinks,” Dad replied.
“Dad, I just bought you a package of 28 pullups less than a week ago. Were you that low?” I asked with irritation.
“Honey, I am down to 15-16, so I thought I would stock up,” he explained.
Dad sensed I was not happy and asked, “What’s wrong?”
“I’m disappointed,” I answered.
“May I ask why you’re ‘disappointed’?” he asked sarcastically.
“Dad, you’re breaking the rules of the facility by bringing in aspirin and 5-hr energy drinks,” I said.
“It was only $1.69/bottle for aspirin. So what?!” he retorted.
“Aspirin costing a $1.69/bottle is NOT the point. You broke the rules.”
“$1.69 is the point. It is a big hassle trying to get aspirin from the nurses. It’s inconvenient. I don’t see the harm in it,” he rationalized. “An aide just walked in the door, so I am going to need to hang up. But you’re welcome to call me in the morning to beat me up about this,” he said.
“Oh, Dad!!” I said angrily. I laid into him in rapid fire succession. “Please don’t play the victim role. You blatantly rebelled against the facility. You were told you couldn’t bring these items in, and you weren’t going to be denied. You weren’t willing to hear a ‘no’, so you ran to Walmart to fix it yourself.”
Dad replied, “We will just have to agree to disagree. You just don’t understand.”
“That’s fine,” I said. “I think I have a clear picture of what’s going on here.”
After the emotional fumes dissipated, it occurred to me that maybe Dad was right. Maybe I didn’t have a clear picture. I failed to understand. We all desire to make decisions for ourselves. It’s ironic that we have the right to decide what doctors can do to us. We can refuse treatment. They can’t force us to swallow pills. We can leave facilities against medical advice. Those are examples of exercising our sovereignty. Yet, if my Dad wants aspirin, he can’t have it. Once he’s under someone else’s roof, he has to abide by their rules. But even though he’s in a controlled setting, Dad can choose to refuse all prescribed medication if he desires. It’s inconsistent. Sovereignty works when my Dad doesn’t want treatment, but sovereignty doesn’t work when he wants to be proactive by taking aspirin.
Dad’s statement that he is “sovereign” keeps reverberating in my mind. I looked up sovereignty. Sovereignty is “the quality of having supreme, independent authority over a geographical area. It can be found in a power to rule and make laws.” Dad was declaring that as a human being, he is the final authority on what he can or can’t do.
We call this free will, and we exercise it every day. Free will works great when we exercise it within the rules of our authority. When we exercise free will by breaking rules, then our sovereignty comes with consequences. Thus, our sovereignty has limitations because there is always someone with greater authority over us. When we came into the world, our authority was our parents. When we went to school, our teachers were our authority. When we’re at work, our employer is our authority. As citizens of our community, the police force is our authority. But in the end, God is the only one who is sovereign over all earthly authorities. We are always under His authority. When we exercise free will within God’s established rules and parameters, life is great. His rules help us to achieve the best out of life and in our relationships if we follow them.
Dad is having a difficult time embracing that the doctors have his best interest at heart. When Dad was at the rehab facility, he refused to believe he had lost his sovereignty. Just to prove it, he made more trips to Walmart. And he took more aspirin. Dad now lives in a long term care facility where he faces the same rules. Dad still refuses to believe his sovereignty is diminished. I know this because I received a credit card alert that $129.75 was spent on a phone order for supplements, which are prohibited by the facility. These activities frustrate me and test my patience regularly. He’s fighting for his independence, and our day is coming when we will do the same. This awareness can help me stay more patient with him while Dad struggles to change lifelong self-medicating habits.
Dad deserves a more patient daughter, so please pray that God replaces my impatience and frustration with His grace to administer to my Dad when he needs it.
Blessings, Lee Ann
Beth Defenbaugh wrote: This is a very tough situation for you and your Dad! I pray for both of you!!!
It is, Beth. I SO appreciate your prayers!
Blessings,
Lee Ann
Oh, you dont need to pray too much longer for grace under fire, because God has already sent you an ample supply! Your impudent Dad will assert his “right” to 5 hour energy pops forever , and your delightful humor shown in these posts will last forever too.
Sent from my iPhone
You’re sweet, Liz. I just wish that when he’s asserting his “rights” that I would not be so reactive with him. I am glad you can see the humor in all of our stresses! Love you, Lee Ann
Liz Gentry wrote:
I hear it is very difficult to care for aging parents. I do hope it gets better for your dad.
Tom and I have sold our house in Circle C. We bought a house in Round Rock. Two doors from Harvey Penick St.!! Too bad you don’t get the royalties every time his name is used!
Have a good week.
Hi, Liz:
I love the fact that you’re right by Harvey Penick St.! I have some dear friends who lived on this street and recently moved to a different home in the same Round Rock area. I live off of Shoreline, so you’re not that far from me. Let’s find time to do coffee again!
Caring for aging parents is very hard. “Caring” is definitely the operative word. Sometimes I think I am uncaring, and I struggle with whether I am giving Dad enough emotional “care” as I do the task-oriented care. I will appreciate any prayers for him and me.
As always, I appreciate your continued interest in my life journey. You have a great week as well.
Blessings,
Lee Ann
Argh. My comments went away and I wasn’t finished! Will call soon. Hang in there.
Thanks, Shari! I hope the disappearance of your comments was not a function of the wordpress website. I will look forward to your comments and/or your phone call. Love you, Lee Ann
My heart goes out to you Lee Ann. I cannot imagine how painful it is for you and your father to have dialogue like this. Continue to take care of yourself, too, my friend.
Thanks, Letty. The good news is that this kind of interaction is not a regular kind of exchange, but I am showing how easy it is for it to happen and to lose my patience with him. In fact, I am not proud of it. My goal is to portray a more balanced picture that it’s not just Dad who can be difficult, but there is a daughter in the mix as well! Thanks for your continued interest in my life journey.
I hope all is continuing to go well for you!
Blessings,
Lee Ann
Pat Lemmon wrote: sorry, I am behind in reading the blogs. However, I enjoy reading them. I know your Dad has been a challenge but God always comes through with wisdom and strength.
Bless you! Pat
Thanks so much, Pat! You are spot on about how God always shows me His wisdom and strength when I need it the most. He never fails me.
I hope you’re doing well and starting to enjoy the cooler temps of KS!
Blessings,
Lee Ann
Debbie Mielke wrote:
My goodness Lee Ann,… your Father really has some trials but I feel his pain of wanting independence. You might by-pass the head nurse and go to the Director for advice. Also, if you didn’t buy it, then they can’t blame you. I share both of your pains (and I really feel your Dad’s). I too take benedryl and aspirins every day and don’t see any harm with them myself or the sports drinks. It would be so hard to deny my Mother anything if I were in your shoes. As you see, I am a push-over and that’s why God didn’t choose me for your job. ha ha… What a delima. I can also see that he might just have tried to purchase nodoz on that last credit card ticket….. oh my oh my!!!!
Blessing and many prayers for wisdom to you,
Debbie
Debbie,
I appreciate that readers like you see the tension and how difficult this is. On the surface, what is the real harm of taking an aspirin? But, my Dad already takes aspirin because it’s on his medication orders, and he is popping a 325mg aspirin on top of it because “what’s the harm”? He just doesn’t have the level of awareness of even the drugs he’s taking. It is sad.
A part of me really needs the push-over part of your personality because there are days I feel I am rigid, and it feels “uncaring” even though I know I am doing the “right thing” addressing these self-medicating habits. Taking care of aging parents is hard, and I just want to do it with more grace toward him. Surely I can do that with God’s help without losing my cool when he suggests I am “beating him up” about something he brought on himself! There is a high road, and I am still in search for it.
Blessings,
Lee Ann
Debbie Mielke wrote:
You are doing a fantastic job Lee Ann! I see what you mean about the 325mg aspirin. If he’s already taking one or two per day, he doesn’t need more. They can give you ulcers (unless enteric). Without the awareness of what he’s taking, I can see your concerns and being more strict.
God will give you the right words in this job. Down deep inside, your Dad knows how much you care for him. He is really stubborn in his ways and he is use to getting what he wants. Lt. Commanders always gave the orders, not take them….. ha ha…. It’s hard for him to change after all of these years. This is going to be challenging. This saga shall get very interesting! 🙂
He is so very lucky to have someone so wise, logical, compassionate, caring, and loving in one giant bundle!
Hugs,
Debbie
Bless you, Debbie! You are spot on with regard to him being used to giving the orders! He does know that I love him and care about him, and he constantly tells me how aware he is of all the time I invest to take care of him, and he constantly tells me that he prays that the Lord will reward me in every conceivable way. We have our points of tension, but he really knows that I ultimately have his back.
Change is hard for any of us, but His grace will be sufficient to help each of us to navigate it when it’s our time.
Blessings,
Lee Ann
Wow, Lee Ann. Another post that hits me right between my eyes! You may remember that I am also caring for my aging father, who is also not always choosing to conform with medical plans! Once I totally lost my temper. He had suddenly decided he did not need one of his psychiatric meds anymore (the one that had stabilized him!), picked them out of his med boxes, then threw them all away. Oh, how guilty I felt! And of course I apologized and asked for forgiveness, which my dad of course gave me. And then a couple weeks later, when I was proved right, he had to suffer the consequences of his own actions. It was so painful to watch. This role reversal is not for the “weak of heart”! I pray for patience before every encounter with my dad. It just seems like it “should” be easier, doesn’t it?
With your particular situation, there may be no easy answer. It is possible that he will continue to obtain his OTC meds and supplements, and that the harder you push, he will push back just as hard. I just pray daily that I will be able, when my time comes, to age a bit more easily and gracefully. I am sure my son will suffer enough without me making it more difficult!
Hi, Debbie:
I do recall and remind myself that you and I are doing this simultaneously! Yes, you would think being patient with our parents when they are not all together “should be” easier, but it’s just not. I felt horrible that I even spoke to my Dad with such intense heat, but I was so provoked by his statement that I should “call him in the morning to beat up on him some more”, that there was no emotional space once my button was pushed to step back and say to myself, “Wait a minute. Dad is Dad. Quit being surprised by his choices.” I pray DAILY for the fruit of the Spirit to be evident in my life, and when an interaction like this happens, I am crying out to the Lord, “Why?!! You know I need your help with this!” This is why I keep going back to “Dad deserves a more patient daughter.” I find it frustrating.
He did find a way to locate a supplement company that was saved in his cellphone (he does not have a computer), and he ordered $129.75 worth of magnesium and potassium. This is prohibited by his LTC facility. Because all credit card bills come to me, I set up all the alerts on each for any dollar transaction over $1, and I am notified immediately. So when this came in, I cancelled it within minutes, and he has not even missed it. So you’re right that he will try to continue to obtain his OTC meds and supplements because these indoctrinated habits don’t die easily.
They have adjusted his medication in the last couple of weeks to deal with anxiety and “impulse control”, and he seems to be significantly calmer than I have ever known him to be. I think he’s on a good track with quality care, and I can only thank God for that!
Thanks again for your thoughts, Debbie!
Blessings,
Lee Ann