“A sweater is what a child wears when the Mother is cold,” said Dr. Scott Floyd, my former counseling professor at seminary. He was teaching us the difference between a felt need and a perceived need. How many times as kids did we insist we were not cold and tried to refuse a sweater before going outside? How many of us went outside wearing the sweater because our parents made us – even after we protested? Our perceptions of someone else’s needs do not always correspond to what they feel they need.
Dad is donning many new sweaters that I’ve asked him to wear, though he isn’t feeling cold. I perceived that we needed to streamline his finances, get insurance reimbursements, enroll him in the VA medical system, explore the interactions of his supplements with his medications, and control spending. I have invested countless hours to get to this place, but I am coming to realize this practical form of helping Dad was the easy part. There’s a larger issue that I won’t be able to fix.
Dad’s compulsive hoarding disorder (CHD) creates ongoing tension between us. Dad is driven to overstock, while I am passionate about keeping his finances in the black. Thus, when he makes a purchase request, it is typically more than he needs, and I instinctively question the amount requested. I send him a detailed budget each month demonstrating the thin margin he has, but it doesn’t seem to get through to him that we can’t spend on extras. In fact, he responds by using the credit card. I learned the hard way that when Dad says he’s out of something, that may mean the item was moved to another room, and he doesn’t remember taking it there. Or it may mean the item is blending in with the clutter so he can’t see it. It can also mean that he wants an extra supply of “x” because it relieves his anxiety. For example, one day I got an urgent call that he was out of a certain OTC medication. Believing him, I made a special trip to buy a new box only to find one sitting on the shelf in plain view. Tension sparked immediately. “Dad, do you realize you still have this OTC medication with three sheets of tablets inside the box? Did you even look inside?” I asked. Dad shot me a look of irritation and never answered the question.
To cure the overstocking tendency, Dad’s wearing a new sweater. In order to manage his checkbook, I go to his assisted living apartment every other week and take inventory. My goal is to replenish his shelves with enough groceries, OTC meds, and medical supplies, to sustain him for two weeks. I make sure that the quantities he requests are not going to exceed a given two-week cycle. But there’s tension. Recently, he asked me to get six boxes of cereal, while he still had one unopened box on his shelf. When I came back to the apartment with only three boxes of cereal – because he had told me three boxes last him a month – he was displeased and asked why I edited his order. I reminded him that we are on limited cash flow. Our goal is to pace our spending until his next checks arrive. The financial management just doesn’t register with him.
Dad will occasionally take off a sweater. When Dad perceives that he’s running low on any item, he feels anxious. He will line up a van to go to Walmart instead of waiting for our next inventory. I know this happens because I review our checking account online, and I see the cleared checks he’s written. He doesn’t know how close he is to being overdrawn because he doesn’t ask me. He has no idea how much of his balance is earmarked in the billpay pipeline. It doesn’t matter to him. He purchases what he feels he “needs”.
There is an additional sweater I want him to wear. I believe he would benefit from the help of a psychologist who specializes in CHD. I took the time to look for an expert in Austin, and it turns out that there is a psychologist less than two miles from his apartment who makes home visits to do evaluations. I asked the Nursing Director if Medicare covers these type of visits, and she told me that it does, if it’s ordered by a medical professional. Since Dad continues to experience paranoia in addition to his CHD, his PCP agreed that an evaluation would be helpful. However, the Nursing Director informed me that Dad would have to sign a release allowing the psychologist to evaluate him. When I mentioned the idea to Dad, he refused. “The last thing I need is for someone to ‘help’ me,” he said. “I am afraid that if this gets imposed on me it will dampen our relationship.” I told him I would bring him some information on this disorder so he can at least get educated on this issue.
Do I continue to put on sweaters I think Dad needs to wear to ward off financial ruin, or do I let CHD continue to takeover? Here are some of the questions I struggle with as I try to get a handle on what it means to show honor and dignity to my Dad:
- In trying to help Dad in ways I think are meaningful for him, are my efforts really about meeting his needs or mine?
- Is “doing what’s best for him” a code for “Let’s do what will make Lee Ann’s life easier”?
- Exactly how much dysfunction does he have to demonstrate before I handle more of his affairs?
- Doesn’t grace in the midst of some mental deterioration fit in this situation? If so, is there such a thing as too much grace? How do we recognize the natural decline in memory and the ability to make prudent decisions without over-reacting?
- Why should I care if he runs up credit card debt? It’s not my problem and won’t be when he passes. Am I over-functioning in the area of helping him with his finances?
- In the scheme of life, are a few poor decisions by Dad and the frustrations they create for me a mountain or a mole hill? Are they hassles? Yes. Does that entitle me to pull the trigger right away and take over his affairs?
- Most importantly, how does God view my decision-making and how I am trying to honor Dad and give him dignity? God commands, “honor your father and mother.” Is He pleased with how I am trying to serve Dad in his time of need?
I don’t have any answers to the questions above, but they float around in my head regularly. My Father will never wear this sweater around CHD. He doesn’t see it as a problem and probably never will. He will always order six boxes of cereal. The heart of the matter is that Dad is out of control, and I’m trying to help him gain better control with new sweaters when he doesn’t feel cold. I don’t see a solution yet. This is where my faith in God is so important.
The Bible says, “If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him.” (Jam 1:5). God will share His wisdom with me. I rest in the fact that God knows my heart. He knows my Dad’s heart and his needs. I plan to pray fervently for God’s guidance, wisdom, and grace to make the best decisions possible on behalf of my Dad. If I am in denial, I am confident He will show me that. If I am missing the mark, I am confident that He will show me because He desires to take care of Dad just as much as He wants to take care of you and me. I will continue to err on the side of giving Dad the benefit of the doubt. I will continue to allow occasional mental lapses without looking for a “gotcha” to justify taking over his affairs. I believe that as the days go on, the reality of what needs to happen will crystalize more as God shows me how He’s at work in my Dad’s life. I know that God will show me how to love my Dad, honor my Dad, and give Dad dignity. He will give me the “peace that surpasses all human understanding that will guard my heart and mind in Christ Jesus.” (Phil 4:7)
In the meantime, there are plenty of new sweaters hanging in his closet. Maybe I should take them to Goodwill.
Blessings,
Lee Ann
I think that sometimes it is easier to look at some else’s need for a sweater. The hard part is admitting that I might really need one myself. Sometimes, pride gets in my way or maybe it’s just laziness that prevents me from doing what I need to do. There are also days that a sweater is just not a priority and taking the time to put one on is a hassle. For whatever reason we resist ourselves, we are often quick to suggest to others that they should wear one. Mostly it is out of our love and concern for them. We don’t want them to get sick or to be cold. We want what is best for them. I believe that despite your own needs, you have been caring for your dad and his well being that his needs are truly of concern to you otherwise you wouldn’t make the suggestions you know are best for him. You are honoring him by standing with him, loving him and trying to protect him. So many people would think that caring for a parent in this way is a burden and they would back away in the hopes that someone else would do it. Caring for a parent is not easy. It’s not easy to watch them decline in their health. Yet your willingness to keep on him shows that you are faithful to the end. You will have big heavenly rewards for your love and faithfulness towards your dad. Just look at it this way, for such a time as this, your are wearing the sweater of love, care protection for your dad. God gave you this sweater. He’s asked you to wear it. He’s asked you to be His hands, his feet and to provide wisdom, prayer and support to your dad. You are wearing that sweater very well, Lee Ann!
Dear Laurie:
What beautiful thoughts and insights! You, along with other readers, have brought to my attention that I get to wear some sweaters too. Your picture of God giving me the sweater of love, care and protection made an indelible impression. I will move forward with His grace with that picture in my mind. I’ll try not to take it off when it get’s too warm! I feel richly blessed to have you as such a dear friend, Laurie.
Blessings,
Lee Ann
Tinka Patton wrote: That is beautiful!
Oh, Lee Ann, this breaks my heart to read because I know how it affects you. Perhaps all of your thoughts are correct as well as your friend Laurie W. Having raised a child who needed many sweaters and threw them all out plus some of mine, I know how it hurts to not be able to change, correct, help, or make a difference. But somehow with the help of God and your friends, you take baby steps and learn more about yourself little by little. The best you can do is love him and support him however you feel most comfortable. At least that’s my thought, and what do I know any more than the next person.
Thanks for your thoughts, Letty. It’s been quite a journey. I think the hard part for me is that he says he needs my help, but the help I am giving is not exactly what he’s looking for. He doesn’t want me to edit his orders, yet he wants me to help him manage his finances. That’s quite a double message, and he still doesn’t see it. I can process this issue with him, but a week later it will be as if we never had the conversation. I look to the Lord to give me His wisdom and grace. I do think your advice that the “best you can do is love him and support him” is right on. It reminded me of I Cor 13:8 that says “Love never fails.” My paraphrase is, “You can’t go wrong loving people the best way you know how.”
Blessings,
Lee Ann
Lee Ann, I always love reading your blog. It speaks directly to my heart. I have to agree with Laurie – caring for a parent is not easy, nor is it a burden. As you say, you want to honor them and give them dignity but at the same time you must insist that they not hurt themselves, either physically or financially. We do that with our parents for the exact same reason we do it with our kids…we love them.
I don’t think it’s ever wrong, disrespectful or in any way dishonors our parents when we have to step in and make hard decisions for them. Sometimes the people we love are going under and they don’t know it. It’s up to us who are standing at some distance away to reach out and bring them back to the surface. That’s why we’re here. To take care of each other. You’re doing a great job.
Hi, Dana:
Thank you so much for your thoughts. I totally agree that it’s not wrong or disrespectful to step in and make hard decisions for them. Your word picture of a loved one “going under” is great. I am trying to interpret how far “under” he really is. With dementia he goes in and out of lucid thinking regularly. If he were mostly in a state of dementia, then the decision to step in would be so much easier, but it’s just not that clear to me. It’s also unclear if his dementia is medication driven vs organic. Thanks for your support in prayer. I will see you Saturday.
Blessings,
Lee Ann
Remember that you are a blessing to your dad, and that you will be blessed because you honor him. I assume that you are praying with your dad. I wonder if being honest with God in front of your dad about these issues and the need for wisdom would help him hear. Praising God for all the abundance that he has given and asking for wisdom in being a good steward.
For you, the serenity prayer is a good one for this situation. We know that God is large and in charge!
Joyce,
This is a wonderful idea. We dialogue about these issues, but praying through them together is a great idea. I will pursue that.
Blessings,
Lee Ann
Lee Ann, Thanks for sharing…what PATIENCE you have…maybe the reason God has given you that sweater to wear. I believe that God does not give us more than we can bear. Because you care … you are willing to share and we can each take your lesson from there.
Thanks so much, Joan. I was so focused on the sweaters I was putting on my Dad that it never occurred to me that maybe God has me wearing a sweater or two! Thanks for your continued interest in my journey.
Blessings,
Lee Ann
Lee Ann, I will pray for your continued wisdom and discernment.
Thanks so much, Linda. I need all the prayers I can get! I hope you’re doing well.
Blessings,
Lee Ann
You have so much more to deal with than just normal aging processes! Praying for you and your dad!
I have a thought for you. You’ve talked to your dad about the CHD and he is not going to “hear” it from you and refuses to accept that it’s a problem. The best person to have a chance of getting him help is the expert you found, but your dad refuses to give him a chance. So what if you offer a compromise? If he will sign the paperwork and agree to have sessions for 6 weeks, or whatever amount of time you think might start to make a difference, then during that agreed upon time, you won’t mention the hoarding and you’ll try to meet his needs for having as much as he need to feel comfortable – as much as you financially can. So during that trial period, you will get him 6 boxes of cereal if that’s what he needs to feel like he has enough, and he will have his sessions and hopefully start coming to the realization that he doesn’t need that much to feel secure. If his dementia won’t allow him to work through this, then you’ll have to take other measures and know that you’ve tried to get through to him every way possible about the problem. If his mind does allow him to get help through the sessions, then the hard things said can be coming from someone outside the family and not from you.
Just a thought that I wanted to share.
Deb,
This is an excellent idea. I will see if he is receptive enough to meet me in the middle. Thanks so much for your prayers, Deb. I hope all is well with you.
Blessings,
Lee Ann
Tomi Foust wrote:
Sending so many prayers your way and your dad’s way—you’re a good daughterJ
Tomi Ann Foust
Wow. You have my extreme sympathy. Have you thought about consulting a geriatrician for advice? I believe you should take over his affairs if it’s possible. Meanwhile, we love you!
Hi, Liz:
Our family hasn’t quite given up on the psychologist since Dad was open to her as long as it wasn’t about CHD. If that fails, then seeking someone who specializes in geriatrics is a great idea. I also may consider a support group for myself!
Love you Liz,
Lee Ann
LeeAnn,
Do you really not know the answer to the question of if God is pleased with you? Let’s step back a bit. Do you think God cares more about our actions or our heart in those actions? Search the gospels and I think you will find that the latter concerns God more. The fact that you are struggling with these things and not just blindly choosing a stance “just because he should” tells God your love for your Dad. LOVE HURTS like crazy and I see you are hurting in this. That means you are loving much and that is the greatest thing you can do for him. So the question then becomes Is God pleased with your love for your father? What do you know to be true? Is God pleased when we love others? 🙂
Alaina,
As usual, your thoughts and insights are exceptional! You have appropriately reframed the real question I am trying to ask, and I find that very helpful! As you can see in my writing, I am acknowledging that “God knows my heart”, so I do have assurance that He is pleased in that regard, but I do honestly struggle with whether I am taking the right “actions” (or lack thereof). Thanks for separating the actions from the heart!
Blessings,
Lee Ann
David Kellogg wrote:
Lee Ann,
After reading your latest blog posting, I feel compelled to offer the following observations. From personal experience the most difficult thing to do is not meet someone’s expectations. Particularly if that someone is a parent. They want your enabling and you deny that to them. Anything you do in not meeting their expectations is unsatisfactory. Their failure to recognize unreasonable expectations makes matters worse. Particularly when they do not know what is or is not unreasonable. By definition that is what Alzheimer’s is. The prognosis is not good. Their inability to handle money is only one aspect of the problem. I suspect their brain cells are simply no longer working. What’s left is a body with a soul departing in pieces. It’s reassembling and waiting for you in a far better place. It is in that far better place that your reunion with your father will take place. He is escaping the constraints of time while only part of his intellect remains behind. His diminished intellect is no match for yours. But in that far better place his soul is already soaring. A place at his table has already been set for you. At some point in time he will be asking you for permission to leave. He will not be asking for another sweater. He will no longer need that sweater. By his compulsive hoarding, he may already be telling you that. All that compulsive hoarding he does simply fills up time he no longer has. His body does not accept its diminishing process. As death nears, his body feels it must hoard more and more. “Daddy, you’re dying and don’t need this stuff!” is that last thing you want to say. A better way to say it is, “Daddy, all this additional stuff gets in the way of us celebrating each other in the time we have left.” The implication is that it is either the “additional stuff” or “you.” You can either combat the “additional stuff” or “celebrate” him. You cannot do both. His diminished capacity will probably choose the “additional stuff” freeing you to combat his compulsive behavior. You must disable his enabling expectations. In so doing you will find out why I think not meeting someone’s expectations is more difficult than meeting them. You shall be in our thoughts and prayers and we shall help you any way we can. Simply knock on Judy’s and my door and it will be opened to you. Know that you are loved. You are a daughter anyone would be proud to have.
Keep the faith,
David Kellogg
Dear David:
I am feeling tremendous gratitude for the thoughts and observations you have shared. I find them profound, thoughtful, helpful, and loving. I am still digesting this! I may very well take you up on your offer of the “open door” to come talk to you and Judy. The struggle has intensified as of yesterday. More later. I am in KS with a full schedule, so I will try to catch up with you in the next week or so. Thanks again for your willingness to come along beside me on this journey. You and Judy are loved!
Blessings,
Lee Ann
I don’t think your are too quick to the draw on this. The thought of letting him make unlimited charges just doesn’t feel right. I find the whole ordeal interesting and perhaps a bit foreshadowing. I can see my mom having similar issues in the future. I’m sure you’ve thought of the cash allowance route or debit card that will cut him off. Seems like his cards need to be “lost”, or perhaps used as leverage to sign up for the CHD doctor’s help. I realize this is a form of trickery, but due to the disease I don’t look at these tactics as absurd. Nothing I have said is earth shattering or a clear answer. I’ll pray for you both. Hang tough!
Hi, Marilyn:
Thanks so much for your thoughts. This whole situation basically has a fork in the road. I either take it all over, which intensifies my oversight, which I question if I have the time and the emotional availability to do it. More importantly, the cost of taking over is a broken relationship with my Dad, which is the last thing I want. If he were incompetent, that would be a different story. I am leaning toward letting him run out of his own rope. He will get to his limits on his cards quickly enough without racking up a significant amount of more debt. The whole thing is sad. Letting him run out of rope is just the lesser of two evils. If he would quit spending, I could pay down more debt with discretionary income, but it’s just not there. Thanks for praying, Marilyn! I need all the wisdom I can get. I hope you’re doing well.
Blessings, Lee Ann
P. S. When I was in grade school, ponchos were very popular….not quite as warm as a sweater, yet you were able to move more freely. This is of no help whatsoever, but I hope it gave you a chuckle!
That’s hilarious! I can always use a laugh.
Blessings, Lee Ann