Have you tried to hold a conversation with a loved one who has memory deficits? If not, let me prepare you. It’s painful. My Dad suffers dementia. When he repeats himself and doesn’t realize it, I feel loss. When he calls me to request the steps to retrieve his voicemail, I hurt because he’s known how to use his cellphone for years. When he calls for the phone number of his facility so he can call the nurse’s station for help, I feel sad because his call button is clipped to his T-shirt – which he can’t remember. His dementia is teaching me to live in the present.
We build relationships by making memories with loved ones. We share our lives with them taking for granted that we can build on prior conversations. But that’s not true when someone can’t remember what he said 60 minutes ago. Dad’s dementia requires a change in how I relate to him. Dad and I focus on the present. We talk about whatever comes to his mind because that is what he is able to process.
Staying in the present is hard for me. “Take it one day at a time,” they say, or “Enjoy today because you don’t know you have tomorrow.” I hear these platitudes and know they are important, but I ignore them. I especially like, “Wherever you are, be all there,” because it reminds me to be emotionally present when I’m interacting with others.
How well are we doing as a culture at “being all there?” I confess that I allow the IPhone “ding,” indicating I have email, to interrupt my time with others. I often text a quick message while a dialogue is going on. Or I let a TV program distract me while I am having a conversation. If I wanted to be “all there,” I would silence my devices to give my family and friends my undivided attention.
When I visit Dad, I intentionally silence my phone. He deserves my undivided attention as much as anyone. I have no expectations that he will remember our conversations. Instead, he will remember the quality of our time together. Did he feel loved? Dad knows how he feels when I am with him, even if a day should come when he can’t articulate it.
I am sad that it takes Dad’s dementia to wake me up to the importance of living in the present in all of my relationships. I need to “be all there” when I am with others – regardless of their stage in life. I don’t want to be careless with the precious time I have with anyone. No one is guaranteed tomorrow, but we do have this present moment. That’s where we need to live. Let’s make it count. Our loved ones deserve this.
What can you do to eliminate distractions and be present to your loved ones?
Blessings, Lee Ann
Thanks Lee Ann for sharing! Good lesson for us all to remember~~ no pun intended.
That was quite funny, Nicki! Wait…what did you just say?
Blessings Friend,
Lee Ann
Good lessons for all of us, sorry that you are having to be reminded of them in this way.
Thanks, Jonathan. I suppose it’s better late than never!
Blessings,
Lee Ann
So nice to see a pic of your Dad and be reminded of some important lessons.
Thanks, Tinka.
Excellent food for thought Lee Ann….I need to turn off all the technology and just focus on the moment…thank you for bringing this to my attention and God Bless you during this time with your dad. Miss you.
Thank you, Mary. I think many of us let technology be in the driver’s seat to command our attention. It’s like letting the tail wag the dog. Mary, I always love hearing from you and hope you’re doing very well. I miss you too!
Blessings,
Lee Ann
Dear Lee Ann,
Thank you for posting this! It helps me to deal better with my special needs kids. Yes, they remember the spirit of what was said much better than what was said (but isn’t that true for most of us anyway?).
Yesterday, Christoph told Joyce: “Papa loves us”. Not sure why he said it, but it came from the heart. And since I am often frustrated with him, it is really special for him to say that.
I have started volunteering a few hours per day/week with some special needs kids working with wood. Some of them cannot express themselves well, but I am sure they know how we make them feel.
Thank you for reminding us to be all there!
Bernhard
Thank you, Bernhard. I always appreciate your engagement with my blogs. Since you have a special needs child, then you know better than I the challenge of St rating present in the midst of sometimes frustrating exchanges! But I think you get that what our loved ones remember is the feeling they have when we are with them.
Blessings,
Lee Ann
Lee Ann, this particular post hits home on so many levels. Whether it’s because my own parents have their moments when they “check out” and I find myself sad and scrambling for a just a little more time with them before they’re gone,or if it’s because I see my own children growing so fast and I regret the moments when I was too “busy” to stop and look at some of the million requests to, “mommy look at this”, I don’t know.
But I do know that this life is just a blink. A gift. A short, precious gift. And like any gift, we can use it as we will but it behooves us to live every single moment of it so that we miss a thing. I’m so glad that you have this time with your father. I know that you’re using it well and regardless if he can’t remember small stuff, he recalls all that is truly important. ♥
Dana,
I appreciate your thoughts on this. It’s so true that our earthly life is a blink in the scheme of eternity, so we need to enjoy each of our relationships for as long as God grants it. The gift for me in all of this is that I get to see Dad and spend time with him and be able to say “I have no regrets” when the Lord calls him home.
Thanks for taking the time to comment on how this post is speaking to you. Love you, friend!
Blessings and Hugs,
Lee Ann
Your blog really hit home. I understand what you mean. In this fast-paced world we get so caught up in our electronics that we tend to forget about the people we are with. I think it means perhaps we take them for granted! I see it happening in my own family, as well as with me. But you’re right, it’s a habit that takes over and you don’t even realize it. In this fast-paced world, of instant gratification we really need to set a reminder to slow down, listen to others, and
just relate as best we can. Maybe even use the old cliché stop and smell the roses.
I so enjoy your blogs, thank you.
Thank you for your insights as well, Ro. I think we’re letting the advancements of electronics charm us and entertain us, and it leads our attention into the world of cyberspace and away from our loved ones sitting in the room with us! “Stop and smell the roses” is still a good word to live by. I also agree that we’re taking Our relationships for granted. The problem is that we don’t have a guarantee that we’ll see them tomorrow. I think email can wait!!
Ro, thank you for taking the time to engage with my post. I so appreciate you and what you have to say.
Blessings,
Lee Ann
That’s some fine writing about a “present” thought
Sent from my iPhone
Bless you, Liz!