Quagmire: an awkward, complex, or hazardous situation (OED).
Many of you know that I moved to Austin to help care for my father, who is in assisted living. Up until recently it’s been relatively straightforward and simple: I’ve made grocery runs for him and stopped by to check up on him regularly. That was all I was able to muster given the major life transition I had just made by moving back here and trying to establish a sense of normalcy in my own life. Now that the dust has started to settle, I’ve moved into high gear with Dad. We’re in the process of transferring his financial responsibilities to me. Because of my extensive professional experience in finance, I believe I can provide him the most meaningful help in this area. I had no idea what I was getting into. I thought it would be as simple as getting my name on his checking account so I could sign checks and then paying a few bills on a monthly basis. But the number of hours I’ve spent trying to sort out Dad’s finances are beyond anything I could have expected, and I can’t see the finish line. The word “quagmire” comes to mind.
The problem is that the help I am providing is not exactly the kind of help Dad is seeking. He is looking for someone to help him pay his bills without raising questions about how he spends his money. I am not only going through bills, but I am reviewing credit card statements and checking accounts as well as unhooking over twenty bank drafts (with his permission) for charitable donations. Dad gives at the drop of the hat, and it takes just one piece of mail for him to say “yes” and fill in credit card data and send it on. Here is just a sample of what I’ve uncovered regarding Dad’s finances and some of the questions I find myself pondering:
- Major credit card debt is building each month. What kind of purchases has he been making? Are his financial needs greater than his income? This needs to be analyzed.
- He pays for two hospital indemnity plans. Are we submitting claims to get reimbursed when he’s hospitalized? He has spent many days in a hospital since I’ve been back in Austin. I have scrambled to file claims with his two insurance companies hoping to get some reimbursement. It’s a waste of money to pay premiums and then not utilize the benefits when the need arises.
- Over twenty bank drafts and monthly credit card charges were going to charitable organizations using money he doesn’t have. I had to unhook all of them to free up the cash.
- He was making double payments for backing up computer files simply because he had forgotten that he already had this service in place.
- I continue to discover multiple online orders for things that can be easily picked up at the grocery store. We are doubling the cost of the product due to shipping charges and credit card interest.
- He has a strong tendency to overstock. For cash flow purposes, he needs to learn how to buy in moderation.
- As a retired military officer, he has benefits at the VA that he wasn’t even aware of. I am trying to figure out as his Power of Attorney (POA) how to get access to this. He has been paying for years what apparently has been available to him free of charge.
- He wants to tithe, and I want to support him in that, but then he has to control his spending. It can be accomplished, but he will have to understand what he needs to give up to do it. He loves to give, but he’s not in the same financial position as he used to be.
- He has three medical insurers. By the time a claim gets sifted from the primary carrier to the second and third carrier, there are balances still left to pay. These bills are coming in from multiple providers. How do you know which bills he really needs to pay versus those the providers are suppose to write-off based on usual and customary charges? This is a whole different world, and I will be on an exponential learning curve as I try to get a handle on this.
Have you tried unhooking bank authorizations with an institution that likes your money? Imagine sitting at my Dad’s apartment with cell phone in hand calling multiple organizations to inactivate bank drafts while not being the authorized person on the account. We get a representative on the line…I introduce myself along with the purpose of the call…they ask to speak to my Dad…they verify his identity…Dad struggles to remember some of the data they are asking for and looks to me for assistance…I provide the answers to the security questions…and then Dad authorizes the organization to talk to me. The process is cumbersome, and at times flat out irritating. It infuriates me when I am asking someone to stop a bank draft for free credit reports or fraud protection, and they keep trying to sell a lowered benefit when we just want out! Some of these organizations will not let you give notice in writing that you no longer want the service. They say, “We’re sorry for the inconvenience. (That’s hooey. These organizations are NOT sorry. They need to quit reading their scripts and listen to the customer!) The only contact information you can find by statement or on the web is a phone number.
It’s a bad sign when I tell Dad that I have put together a budget, and he replies, “Budget?” Dad hasn’t operated with a written budget for years, so he has no motivation to control spending and live within his means. If he needs something, he just goes online and orders it. “Dad, you need to see the visual of how your fixed income is being spent,” I told him “and then you need to see the additional money you’re spending through credit cards. You’re digging a deeper debt hole month by month for items you don’t need.” This leads to another problem. He and I have two different concepts of “need”. I emphasized that God is providing the income he needs to have a roof over his head, clothes on his body, and food to eat. Those are the needs the Lord promises to provide and tells us not to worry about. Dad’s definition of “need” is ordering 6 months worth of supplements with another 6-month supply already at his apartment.
I am so thankful I have a POA because it gives me much latitude to assist Dad. But just because I have the Power of Attorney doesn’t give me the right to take over unilaterally. It gives me the legal right to take matters into my own hands, but I have an ethical and biblical duty to manage his affairs in a way that gives him dignity and honor. You might think this is pretty clear-cut, but I find myself swimming in many shades of gray. For example, it’s tempting to fix these financial issues myself by closing credit cards or by lowering limits on them so he can’t run them up. I could make decisions that are “best for him” without his input. However, my Christian testimony is at stake, so I want to manage his finances in a way that honors him, which means including him on decisions that need to be made, even though I will spend more emotional energy dealing with his need to be in control. I want to control his finances and empower him to make good decisions around spending to help him stay solvent and start paying down some credit card debt. However, the last thing I want to do is to control my father.
I have shared what has been going on, but the greater question for me is how I will go about serving my Dad. It’s one thing to have a black belt in budgeting and help Dad see his financial reality, but it is another to do it compassionately.
I am writing with sadness in my heart. My father has a master’s degree in Physics and another in Mathematics. This is a man who obtained one of the most prestigious scholarships in the Navy and had the privilege to work under Admiral Rickover (remembered as the “Father of the Nuclear-powered Navy”). Dad worked in nuclear-powered submarines as a Navy officer and engineer. He retired as a Lieutenant Commander. As a civilian, he worked as an engineer, but his love for teaching led him into the high school classroom teaching algebra, physics, trigonometry, analysis, calculus and Russian for over twenty-five years. He learned Russian as an adult to communicate with the Russians he was trying to reach for Christ. Dad is a very intelligent man, and it breaks my heart to see a mind that had such acuity slip so many gears that he can barely move out of neutral and get any traction in his day. A man who has been known for being meticulous in everything he did can hardly talk about what he did in a given day. When he leaves a voicemail, he will forget midstream why he is calling. It is not uncommon to walk into his apartment and find him just sitting in his wheelchair and having no idea how long he’s been there.
As my father, this man deserves my respect and honor. He is my top prayer warrior. He has told me over the years, “I consider it my highest privilege and responsibility as a parent to pray daily for my children.” I can’t begin to tell you how much that ministers to my heart to know my Dad prays for me! His prayers are a daily gift from God.
I am in Austin for such a time as this. If I focus on the hours I’ve spent on Dad’s behalf, it would be easy to label him as “high maintenance.” However, if I focus on how I am going about investing these hours, then I will see this venture as a “high calling.” I am on a journey with my Dad. We are in our seats with our seat belts on, our tray tables locked, and our seats in their full and upright position. While holding his hand, I expect this transition to have many bumps with occasional turbulent patches. I will clothe myself with compassion (Col 3:12) as the Lord requires and love him through this time the best way I know how and leave the results up to the Lord. I pray that the Lord will constantly remind me that Dad is more mentally vulnerable and to maintain sensitivity at all times. His memory lapses will continue to happen, and he will get online and order things he forgot he already has or didn’t need. I will feel frustrated when those times occur. Over-spending will undermine the work I have invested to get his financial house in order. In the end, I can only control what I do for him. I love my Dad. He deserves at a minimum the very best I can give him with the Lord’s compassion and mercy. It’s a high calling. Someday I will be looking for the same compassion and mercy from my own caregiver.
Blessings,
Lee Ann
Tomorrow I will respond…tonight I will prayer for you and how you will walk thru this journey. You are not alone…the Savior is surrounding and supporting you. “God, please give Lee Ann your peace-the reminder that whatever she faces-you will provide direction.”….you are loved and we will stand beside you.
Thanks for your beautiful prayer, Cavin. I continue to pray for you and Ben. I look forward to hearing from you.
Blessings,
Lee Ann
It’s a time and heartache many of us will face. I plan on using your experiences. No help…just a prayer for you.
On a lighter note, I don’t believe I have seen the word “hooey” in print for quite some time. It made me laugh!
Thanks for your prayers, Marilyn. I have latched onto “hooey”. I have discovered that we have Christian cuss words, and “hooey” is one of them. You know what in the heck I’m talking about!
Blessings,
Lee Ann
Lee Ann, Just more proof of why I have so much admiration for you. You are such a Godly person and an inspiration to me. Your dad is so blessed to have you helping. Which means you have to help, even if it hurts.
Although somewhat different, I watched Kara’s mom slowly succumb to cancer. It is always hard to watch your loved ones deteriorate to a fraction of what they once were.
I consider you a very sharp lady and have to ask the question, “If I asked you for the same advice for my dad, what would your answer be?” If you are doing what is best for him, then you are loving him the way God expects you too. What if he was trying to take another dose of a prescription that could potentially harm him? Or if he wasn’t feeding himself would you watch him become weaker and weaker? I don’t think so, you would say dad you already took your pill and take it from him.
Is his financial future any less important when it helps provide his basic needs and his medical needs? With his teaching and mathematics background, how would he best understand these needs? Maybe a large table with a stack of chips in the center to represent his income and areas around the table designated for different expenditures. The visual may help him see that if he only has so much to divide up, the after fixed expenses, he must make a choice. Then if he sees there is something he wants to support or needs, he will have to pull it from another stack. If he is not willing to make the choice, then you make it in front of him. If he disagrees, then he needs to give you an alternative.
Not scientific I know, but the point is making him understand what is needed, and happening and doing what is best for him. You will probably be using this experience to help others in the future, so take notes girl.
Rod
Donna McDonald wrote: High calling and beautifully written. The job that you are doing is the greatest blessing, but that doesn’t make it any easier.
Cancel the credit cards and change the accounts just like you would change the locks on the door if keys had been given out to everyone who asked.
You might also check with a VA medical social worker who can help coordinate his benefits, which may be extensive.
Remember that acting out of love is the very best that you can do.
Peace,
Donna
Barb Youmans wrote:
Wow Lee Ann — Absolutely excellent communication of your situation. Your word pictures are very accurate and paint a very realistic and heartbreaking scene. Your heart desire (and Biblical responsibility) comes through loudly — and the frustration does not sound at all condemning or uncaring.
Really makes me want to fly to Austin tomorrow and just walk in person with you for a few days. Our situations parallel quite closely — having my mom in the picture can make things a little better but at the same time, adds complication at times.
Know you’re thought of and prayed for frequently. Talked to Bessie tonight — she was sooooo excited to get her package!! I’ll pick up a couple goofy pens for her — she claims she needs more pens! Thanks for getting the books for her. Anxious to talk with you. Hope to have a chance catch up a little more than the last couple times.
Stay cool — heat’s gonna be a little stronger mid week here (107 on Wed.) So thankful for a job that allows paying for power to run the A/C and a nice home to enjoy it!! Overwhelmed.
May HE continue to cover you in HIS love as you face each day —
Barb
Lee Ann, this was well written! You can clearly see your struggle and heart in this. I will continue to pray for you to have clear direction in the grey areas, patience, and wisdom to know what is best in all areas of his care. Family indeed can be our toughest “clients” but as you well put it is also one of our highest callings.
Thanks so much, Nicki. I covet any and all prayers you can send my way! What is already emerging through the feedback that was initiated by David and Lyrinda is the importance of getting Dad into the VA medical system. This is getting ready to become front and center of my attention. The longterm financial implications has a big upside for Dad, especially in the area of longterm care.
Blessings,
Lee Ann
Lee Ann,
You certainly do have a calling on your life to care for your dad right now. I know it’s not easy and it’s often a thankless job. Your heart is in the right place and not only is your dad benefitting from your giving but in a special way, you will look back on these times with satisfaction and the knowledge that you are God’s good and faithful servant and you will live free from regret.
The calling I was given to minister to my dad before he passed, was very similiar. I did not have POA and was not the financial caregiver but I was one of his main caregivers as he fought a long battle with ALS. He was also the loving, strong, hard-working man, very well respected in his career and at his church. Dreamed of building his dream house to retire in out in the country. Just after his house was finished and they packed everything and moved, he was diagnosed with his disease and was unable to live out his retirement years the way he wanted. It was hard to watch a once strong man, suddenly become bed-ridden and totally dependent on others for things we take for granted…lifting a fork to eat, brushing his teeth, taking a shower, etc. I spent 6 years by his bedside reading to him, helping him stretch, feeding him, shaving his head, helping him go to the bathroom and bathe and sctratching his itches, praying for him. It was a tough road for us but the blessings came in our conversations during those times and we developed a closeness we never had before. When he passed, I was at peace and knew I did all I could for him.
You have a beautiful heart and despite all the annoyances and inconveniences that you are dealing with, you are ministering to him in ways you can’t imagine! I’m praying for you!
Love,
Laurie WInckel
Laurie,
Thank you so much for your words of encouragement. I remember your going through that chapter of life and how hard that was for you, yet the love and light of Christ kept shining through you, and you never lost your joy! You are a wonderful model to me of serving parents in their time of need! Your caregiving is a labor of love, and I hope that I can give the kind of care that will help my Dad turn the corner on his finances – with the compassion and love God requires of me. I love you, Laurie!
Blessings,
Lee Ann
Thanks Lee Ann!! I love you too!!!:)
Dear Lee Ann,
Having no parents left, I did not realize how much work it could be right in the middle of reorganizing your life. I will talk to my boyfriend’s sister who had to take care of her aging parents before they die. Maybe she has some ideas for you. In the mean time I am thinking about you and praying for you.
Manon
Manon,
Thanks so much for your willingness to check with your boyfriend’s sister. I am open to any insights they can provide. Thanks so much for your prayers!
Blessings,
Lee Ann
I have been through the same thing with my father, and am now going through it again with my mother. It is not an easy assignment, even done with love. In my case, my dad had Alzheimers and his third wife wife would not cooperate with us. Thus, when she died suddenly I had to start from scratch. I didn’t even know which bank he used. I had to get guardianship and find a nursing facility for him with NO money and no clues. That was a nightmare. Dad passed on my birthday in 2006 and I don’t regret anything I had to do to make him comfortable in those last years. Now, with my mom, I have access to her accounts, but she is so confused and wants to do everything in a cumbersome and archaic way, so she gets defensive when I ask questions or try to counsel her. The most heart wrenching thing is that she is on the edge of being able to live independently since she broke a hip, and so very unhappy about losing that independence and facing a lifestyle change. It can only be faced with faith in God’s great Plan.
One thing I did just this month was get rid of her private insurances and get her on Medicare. So far it has paid 100% and the care has been quality. I also got her her Part D drug plan that is more economical.
Since your dad is VA, I highly encourage you to get in touch with them and get him in the system there. My friend did that a few years ago having gone many years without realizing that she could plug in to those benefits. She has had excellent care here in Austin at the outpatient clinic…better than any she ever had in the private sector.
Joyce
Joyce,
Thanks so much for your thoughts! Donilee has also strongly encouraged me to pursue the VA benefits, which is becoming high priority. I am already wondering what his “pay raise” will be by eliminating private insurance in his retirement checks! Can I get the name of the doctor that your friend sees? I think it may be quite an emotional hurdle for my Dad to leave his current PCP with all of the care he has rec’d, etc.
Blessings,
Lee Ann
Wow, Lee Ann, you poured your heart out here, but so beautifully. Yes, it’s a calling and becoming the parent is unwanted and difficult. I do like Donna’s comment:
Cancel the credit cards and change the accounts just like you would change the locks on the door if keys had been given out to everyone who asked.
You can ask for his preferences, but ultimately you are responsible. How blessed he is to have you standing in for him!
Thanks so much for your encouragement, Bliss! Having never been a parent, the whole notion of parenting puts me in unchartered waters. I like Donna’s comment as well, and more and more comments are streaming in that the most loving thing I can do is to assert myself. I still need to feel peace in my heart as to when it’s the right time to do so, and I really want to be able to put my head on a pillow at night knowing I gave my Dad every chance possible to show that he can still make good spending decisions. Please keep praying for me on this whole matter. It is truly overwhelming.
Blessings,
Lee Ann
Melodie Summersett wrote: Dear Lee Ann,
I’m so sorry to hear about all of this.
My husband had to deal with something similar last year. His aunt (who was estranged from her kids) was terminally ill and no longer able to care for herself and it turned out that she had named my husband (who wasn’t close to her at all) in charge of everything. He could of declined but chose to help. She was a hoarder of the worst kind and also had several ongoing credit card transactions to charities and companies like flower of the month club. My husband faced the same time intensive experiences that you had and he found it easier to shut down the accounts and re-open another bank account with a clean slate. His aunt did pass away and he dealt with the liquidating of the estate (another story).
His mother is on the verge of needing someone to handle the finances like you are doing for your father. But his philosophy is that if he is going to spend the time and energy to handle it, then he becomes the decision maker. I can see how you think it is controlling and how difficult it is to have to take over for someone who was once so vibrant and capable.
I wish you the best,
Melodie Summersett
Tinka Patton wrote:
Lee Ann
This is wonderful. It made me cry. We never get enough time with our parents. The problem is we never realize it until it is too late. However, it seems you are doing a wonderful job of seeing the true picture. Thank god he has you. Good luck with the finances. I’m sure you will do a wonderful job and he will be better for what you do even if he never knows it. I so miss our class. I have been reading JOB and I hope to be there next week.
Much Love
Your Cuz
Liz Ellis writes:
Dearest L.A.,
You are quite correct that your major life transition leaves you no time to sit on the fence deciding among these many options for your Father. Notwithstanding his impressive history as a successful businessman and intellectual, at this stage he needs outside help. His idea of the help he needs and yours are miles apart! The examples you give of his recent financial decisions are of course alarming, in the sense that they take no account of his future money needs. It seems to me that you have no other loving option other than to exercise the poa and use its latitude to take control of the funds.
As far as the Lord’s opinion of your predicament, I am sure He celebrates your loving attention to your Father, whose competence over his financial affairs is clearly waning.
I would certainly exercise my rights under the poa. I would also urge you to hire a compassionate aide to act as a go-between for the two of you on the mundanities of everyday purchases, someone who can wear the “black hat” while you attend to the reality of Father’s fortune’s limits along with your very important job!
Liz Ellis
Wow, this sounds really tough Lee Ann! I have not been through this and don’t have a clue of advise. It sounds like you have all the wisdom you need to handle it. Compassion and more compassion mixed in with straight, honest talk. He is lucky to have you!
Thanks for your kind words, Sally. This is a very tough situation, but I am confident that God will show me the way with the right heart and a spirit of compassion. Take care of yourself.
Blessings,
Lee Ann
Deonne Johnson wrote:
Lee Ann, I’m going to forward your message to my dear friend, Judy Banz. Judy’s dad lives next door to her after moving from California with Judy’s mom, who has since passed away. She struggles with the same issues and also is an expert in gerontology. She may have some insight. My gut reaction is to say “do the best you can” and don’t worry about it too much as long as no one is stealing from him or taking major advantage. It sounds like you’ve already straightened out a lot of details to his advantage. It makes me think of the advice I give to people who are trying to change their 90 year old mother’s diet or exercise habits! (I minored in gerontology in graduate school too!) I usually say just let them eat what they want!
But maybe Judy would have more practical advice since she is dealing with similar issues. I know that my siblings wanted me to talk to my mom about her will and to suggest some changes. Mom is a sweet, kind and easy-going woman of 92, but she did not want to think about the changes we were suggesting. I dropped it.
You have made significant sacrifices by uprooting your life and moving to be close to your Dad. I’m sure God will help you understand his deepest needs and will show you how to deal with the issues most compassionately. I know your heart!
Love you,
Deonne
Hi, Deonne:
I am most grateful for your words of encouragement and your willingness to reach out to me through Judy. I have heard wonderful things about Judy from my dear friend, Barb Youmans, and I am just sorry I didn’t get to meet her before I left Hutchinson!
I will continue to seek God’s leadership in all of this and do the best I can with the information I have. It’s just so overwhelming that is hard just to process all of this, which is why it took as long as it did just to get out this last blog. There will be more coming on this topic and the progress made and what I am learning in the process. I hope folks who read it will greatly benefit from it and feel more prepared! I sure wasn’t.
I appreciate your friendship, Deonne.
Love you too,
Lee Ann
Murlene Johnston wrote:
Lee Ann,
I was an ombudsman to the elderly in Nursing Homes 10 years ago, I guess. I am State Certified to work with the elderly. My deceased Aunt in her 80’s needed help; she told me she was not very good keeping her check book, so I took over. I saw that she was giving too many checks to the man who kept her yard; I called him to come to her house & he told me that someone was impersonating him, trying to get his yard business! I knew he was lying & that is why I just took over her checkbook. She said she felt sorry for those who said she owed them money, so she paid them. Of course, in later years, she said I was probably spending money on myself, which was said in my presence, so I was able to say “Aunt Lorene, you know I would never do that. All I do with your money is take care of you by paying your medicine, your groceries, & things like that.” She had dementia, so she was just glad that she did not have to contend with anything – it was all done for her. My sister who lived in a neighboring town got POA, & before I put A. Lorene in the home, we had to bathe her, etc because she would sleep in her clothes for 2 weeks at a time, until one of us would go to clean her up. But she was healthy, except loose bowels, because she would eat bad foodstuffs. We got a restaurant to deliver meals to her M-F at lunch time. She had no computer, so we did not have your headache. I put her in a private home with a woman who had owned a Community Home for about 4 residents & she said “I don’t know how I fell into this, but I sure do love it!”
If you could convince your father to not order anything on the internet until you OKed it, that would help a lot. Has he been diagnosed with dementia – it sounds like he has it, but medications for it makes his memory worse, so I would advise no medication for it. With insurance policies, if I were you I would feel obligated to cancel one or two – all he needs is one for drugs, for the VA should provide the major insurance & care. After you get them involved, they can advise you as what insurance he needs. As for the banks, tell them up front that you have the POA & that your father doesn’t have the capability to answer their questions – that is why you have the POA.
My brother just died this month with dementia at the age of 85. The doctor gave him the full dose of Aricept to start with, instead of a smaller dose to start, then increasing it gradually, if needed. It made him deathly sick for 3 days – he vomited for 3 days. About 3 years later, I got him on Namenda, then several years later, I learned that it made their memory worse, so his daughter took him off of it. He spent his last year & 4 months in an alzheimer’s wing in Clifton, TX. But he had rather have been dead than to have dementia, so it was a blessing that he is now gone to be with God & all the relatives that went before.
How old is your daddy? You may have said in earlier blogs, but I do not keep up – sorry! If I can be of further help, don’t hesitate to ask.
Blessings,
Murlene
Wow, Murlene! I am finding that by just telling my story that many are resonating with this as you are. It helps me immensely to hear the same themes and differing variations and to know that I am not alone. It also helps to hear folks like you had the courage to do what you needed to do. I am in unchartered waters, so I find myself being cautious and erring to the side of including my Dad on as many of these decisions as possible until it becomes apparent that it is counterproductive.
My Dad is 75. Thanks for being willing to help. Don’t be surprised if I call you to bounce some things off of you!
Blessings,
Lee Ann
Murlene Johnston wrote:
Call me anytime, Lee Ann, to bounce ANYTHING off of me – I am known for my
opinions, whether one wants to hear them or not!
Love & blessings,
Murlene
Lee Ann – My heart goes out to you as you seek to provide, with wisdom and compassion, the care your father needs. I may have some expertise in gerontology as you do with finance, but when it comes to your parents, you are simply (or complexly) the daughter. D/t circumstances of prior years, I have had to learn to honor my dad and extend grace that could only come from the Lord. We have definitely experienced frustration with financial choices he has made – some that included my brother – which has caused conflict and and need for forgiveness and grace. Therefore, I can only encourage you to continue your desire to be godly in the process of managing his care. I noticed your list of books – may I add a couple more that have impacted me in challenging and practical ways. “Breathing Grace” by Dr Harry Kraus and one that I have just finished, “One Thousand Gifts” by Ann Voscamp. This book, especially, has challenged me to “give thanks in ALL things” – especially the “hard” thanksgiving.
Grace to you as you as you breathe in and out!
Judy
Hi, Judy:
Thanks so much for your words of encouragement! I will appreciate your prayers that I will be godly, compassionate and loving – no matter how frustrating it may get. I will also pursue your book recommendations. Grace and peace to you!
Blessings,
Lee Ann
Bonnie Mikes wrote:
Hi Lee Ann,
So many issues and yes, I have been through what you’re dealing with-not easy to say the least. A few years back, we (my sisters and I) went through this very thing. Mother was about 94 when we all realized that we were going to have to remove Mother from her home (memory issues); she lived alone for about 16 years, after Daddy passed away.
We first tried her living with each of us (she was “not” happy about that) until each of my older sisters (16 and 18 years older) could not handle it because of health issues themselves. I tried, for about 6 months, but the memory issues and general stress about did me in (great, great desire to do so, but absolute guilt because I knew in my heart that I couldn’t). We eventually had to put her in 24 hour care near her original home (south Texas) and I took over all of her finances and traveling “a lot.”
There are indeed so many issues as you watch the strong parent you always counted on to be there for you and now, at times, not “really” even remembering your name. The struggle within is awful-praying for grace to get through each day as you watch and wait for the “good days,” (some days she was better than others).
This one thing I know: God is faithful to His word and He who called you, He will also do it. I know that I surrounded myself with my dad’s family (those that were left) in south Texas and did plenty of talking with them. I was able to stay in my Mother’s and Dad’s home as I went back and forth-fortunately, I had just retired. This alone time gave me a lot of time to reflect on my early memories in that home and time also to draw on the strength of God to do what I knew I could not do myself; I, as you also said, felt in a struggle between being loyal to my mother and trying to assure her that “everything would be okay.” Mother lived to be 96 years old and I know that she had a wonderful life and was a wonderful, wonderful mother, which is really all that matters “now.” On one of her “good” days, toward the end of her life, I whispered to her that, “she was a good mother.” She whispered back, “I tried.” Those words I will never forget, because I knew they were true.
I pray for God’s strength and grace for you; God will provide.
Blessings,
Bonnie
Thank you so much, Bonnie! This whole arena of caring for parents is only going to get bigger with so many living longer and not necessarily having the resources to sustain them. I so appreciate your prayers for God’s strength and grace.
Blessings,
Lee Ann
Thank you ,Lee Ann, for this realistic, loving and poignant insight into caring for an aging parent. You are an inspiration! Blessings to you for sharing this with us. –Lori
Thanks so much for your words of encouragement, Lori. This is just the beginning of a new journey that will take the Lord’s grace and strength. I so appreciate your interest in my blog. I hope you are doing well, and if you have any opportunities to grab a cup of coffee or lunch sometime, I would love to catch up with you. Blessings to you as well!
Blessings,
Lee Ann
Oh Lee Ann–this is so close to what i and my siblings are trying to deal with in relation to our mom. I have had just the beginnings of money conversations with her–but as her need for assistance in her home increases and her discretionary income in reduced by the cost of care, i think she will be making some changes. Providentially, her five children are able to assist her with finances for a portion of that care. Luckily (in some ways), she is not terrribly adept with the computer, so ordering online is not an issue. But she is the softest touch for way too many ministries and political groups that crowd her mailbox with pleas for dollars. I think she will be willing to cut back on those once I or another sibling go through those with her one-by-one. In family meetings, i am usually the strongest advocate for the position that it is HER MONEY, but she needs to see that the Lord would not necessarily want to see her put her own life in danger by not taking steps to provide for her own safe living in her own house.
She has the wherewithal to pay a good portion of what her increased costs of in-home assistance will be, but I have told her that she will need to cut her tithe to 10% not the 20% she has been making to her church of which she is a founding member and matriarch–until just this year, she prepared the church budget and got it passed and has been the most important voice on every pastor seach committee for over 50 years.
She too is failing physically and with greater frequency of “spells” with too high concentrations of co2, which make her sleepy and out of touch. She needs 10-14 hours os DEEP sleep to get over those–but then she is still lucid and oriented to time and space. that is what we find hardest to deal with–the erratic swings from loopy as all get out to Frances, as she has always been.
Luckily, we do not have the duplications of services your dad had, and she still writes checks rather than authorized bank debits, so making those changes will be a lot easier.
Let’s pray for each other–we are all facing something like this, i suspect.
I will agree with you in prayer, Cheryl, to deal with our parents in the most gracious, compassionate way, yet make wise choices (hopefully with them) and/or for them. With so many people living longer, I think this issue of caring for parents is much greater than we think!
Blessings,
Lee Ann
Hey Lee Ann,
Just a few thoughts quickly tonight. I have only read a handful of comments, but my heart’s conviction when reading your story was not so unlike your friend Rod.(after raising boys I KNOW the value of visualization!) Your dad needs the wisdom/experience/training God has granted you. I agree w/you. You ARE there in Austin for SUCH A TIME AS THIS. God and Christ are our GREAT examples of compassion. You KNOW that trait of our God well and I have NO DOUBT you will act in compassion toward your father. As for the anger, it’s an indicator. (like I have anything to teach you) But, my thought is anger can spur us on. The indication is that something is threatened or has been violated. Allow God to use those indicators to open your eyes to see the wrong that is being done and SEE YOUR DAD’S WAY OUT OF THE DITCH THAT SOMEONE ELSE IS DIGGING FOR HIM. God is the defender of his children and I think he can use you to defend your dad against those that would prey upon him. No one has your dad’s best interest in mind more than you. (not sure that was worded right, but I hope you get the idea) Your love for God will guide, even compel you to do right toward your dad. God didn’t choose just anyone to be your dad’s advocate at this time… he chose you. Your wisdom and compassion are an excellent balance for each other so long as they stay balanced. Sometimes people say/do things because they don’t have good boundaries in place. At times we need others to help us stabilize until we can do it for ourselves. Maybe this is that time for your dad. He may need to see a ‘budget’ and boundaries in action to understand the value. I admire the achievements he has accomplished. Being from a military background I know full well the life and it’s demands. Your father has succeeded well, very well. (military AND secular) This lack of management in his life in no way discredits him or his accomplishments.(most men in his shoes HAVE A SECRETARY!) I think this is clearly stated in God’s word. No one person was given every gift. For this reason we need each member in the body of Christ and that regularly plays out in our daily relationships not just on Sunday. If you sense that making decisions FOR your dad is to harsh, would he consider a specified time of trying your suggestions. Write the day on the calendar and if he isn’t content or in a better financial situation in that time frame you could relinquish things back to him (maybe one at a time)?
Well those were my few thoughts. I will count it my privilege to continue to pray for you. God is FAITHFUL in all things. “All” excludes nothing. God IS being faithful in your situation. I’m not a big ‘trust’ person, but I can say w/great confidence God is the ‘bottom line’ here. You can walk in confidence knowing God will lead you into all truth. (pls don’t take offense to the CAPS. It’s not me yelling, I promise… just talking w/ feeling! 🙂
Much love to you Lee Ann. Looking forward to time together in God’s word soon.
Lyrinda
No easy task.
No one better for the job.
May you be blessed as you are a blessing.
Patrice Ramsbottom wrote:
Hi, I am still with my dad at his retirement apartment. I can so relate to your dilemma. My dad is not the same vivacious man of my past. He is still first and foremost a servant of the Lord and a very giving person, always thinking of others first. However, I realize our roles are reversed now and I have taken on the role of parent. I am executor and I have learned I have to do what is best for him regardless of the guilt I feel in taking control. I adhere to his wishes as much as is possible and still have the utmost respect for him. However, I am not dealing with the same financial issues as you. I pray that you will find a way to take care of his finances and give respect to your dad at the same time. You have the counseling background so what would you tell your client to do in your situation? I certainly don’t know the answer. I do miss Sundays with you at Riverbend and hope to be back the first week in August.
In His Joy,
Patrice Ramsbottom
Hi, Patrice:
Thanks so much for your inputs. I just feel sadness when I know that what needs to be done is a form of taking away part of his independence. I am really striving to keep him involved in the conversations so he doesn’t feel like he’s lost his independence to have inputs in the decisions that need to be made.
Blessings,
Lee Ann
Cavin Lambert wrote:
I have been super busy this week, but I wanted to let you know after reading your post, my heart has really been heavy thinking about you & your father. I have genuinely wept for you and for your father. I take the notion of praying for you on a very serious level. I want you to know that I have decided to set aside Friday as a day of fasting, in order that I can better focus my attention to God for your behalf (a discipline that I should do so much more). I consider it a privilege remember this situation each day & I have asked God to convict me that I would not forget. I hope I can respond more appropriately in a week. Diana & I will be having some “down time” in SW Colorado & hopefully in the stillness of the day, I can better put my words on paper.
I “am” lifting your situation up to the Father each morning- you are loved.
“God, I’m asking you to surround LeAnn with wisdom about how to best care for her father, while at the same time respecting his role in her life. I’m asking that you will give her some relief this weekend, with the business of her normal workload, to be able to clear her head and listen to your voice. I am begging your Grace that she would hear a prompting from your Holy Spirit about how to move. I am asking for your divine wisdom to be revealed to Lee Ann through your Word, through many prayers on her behalf, and through the counsel of others who have faced these similar situations. God, I pray for her father, that you would speak to the softness of his heart and prepare him to be able to accept the words that Lee Ann needs to share. God, reveal to him, a need for things to change, and that by doing so in no way lessens his love/dedication to you. Give Lee Ann the real courage to speak. Please go before her. I ask that you give Lee Ann clarity as she works through the paperwork and bureaucracy of her father’s health insurance. Above all, let her know that she is not alone- YOU…and others stand to support. We ask these favors in the name of our Savior….Amen.”
In Christ,
Cavin
Dear Cavin:
I am SO touched by this email that it brought tears to my eyes. I feel overwhelmed by your brotherly love to even be willing to pray daily for my Dad and this situation. I especially appreciate your prayer to help me say the right things to Dad and even be able to say what really needs to be said with courage and to prepare his heart for it. This will become crucial as it may make the most sense to transition him into the VA medical system.
Blessings,
Lee Ann
Victoria Crow wrote:
Lee Ann – I read with admiration your “Father” relationship. We moved my parents recently and have experienced much of the same. My father is still very capable of handling the finances but if he should pass then my mother would not know that she can’t handle finances. It is difficult to juggle the issues but I try hard to “pick my battles”. Now I will be given the opportunity to help Gary . We have decided he needs to take short-term disability and then perhaps long-term disability until he reaches 65 at which time he can go on social security and medicare. The real challenge will be for him to keep his self-esteem while I work more hours to make ends meet and he is sitting at home. I will be coming home tired and he will want to talk. I have presented the various scenarios but I don’t believe he understands the full implications. I am trying gently to help him identify something he can do every day that will get him out and about for socialization purposes or work around the house in an effort to avoid his feelings of worthlessness that I know will raise its ugly head. My challenge will be to recognize the wonderful job he is doing at home without being resentful for the added financial responsibility. For the next several months we will be repositioning ourselves so that we can make it. I’m sure you will be hearing from me as I will need to change a few things. Keep in touch as we both may need a shoulder to cry on.
Hi, Victoria:
God gave us big shoulders for a reason! I will pray for you and Gary and be intentional to encourage you in your endeavor to support Gary and your home not only financially, but emotionally. You have quite a challenge, and it sounds like very good steps have been taken to get additional resources coming in through disability.
I will pray that the Lord gives you the grace that is sufficient to serve Gary and your family while sustaining you with the strength and energy that you need. God will continue to honor you as you love your husband the best way you know how!
Please call or write anytime. It certainly does not have to be for business reasons!
Blessings,
Lee Ann
Victoria Crow wrote:
Thank you – it is comforting that someone is there to just listen. Don’t be surprised if you receive a stressful call regarding Gary and/or my parents. God always seems to be there providing what are truly our needs (not necessarily financial). I truly believe he has led us down this path now I must follow and accept his lead without question.
Toni Gile wrote:
Hey Lee Ann,
I just now got time to read this latest blog… I am so thankful for you writing this… I am not sure sometimes about what it will be like doing the same for my parents! You have opened my eyes to getting information now when they can locate it and remember passwords, security authentication stuff, etc. Thank you for your words and sharing the struggle! Praying for you!
Toni Gile
Thanks so much for your prayers, Toni! In this technological age, getting PW and answers to typical security questions is very helpful! Thanks for taking an interest in my blog and the journey recorded. I hope you’re doing well!
Blessings,
Lee Ann