How long do you watch your parent suffer progressive memory loss before intervening and scheduling an exam? We all know that forgetfulness is part of aging, but where’s the line between normal memory loss due to aging and something more serious?
My Mother’s memory has been deteriorating for the last several years. At first, Mother laughed off memory lapses as “senior moments.” Fair enough. She deserved the benefit of the doubt! If I had suggested she see a physician to have her memory tested, she probably would have resisted. But she’s at a different stage this year causing our family concern. She forgets often and is easily confused and continues to lose weight due to loss of appetite. This last symptom concerns me because she will get weaker, preventing her from being active. I know I need to get her to a doctor, but I was in unchartered territory with a lot of questions:
1) How do I honor my mother’s right to make her own healthcare decisions while setting up an appointment she may not think she needs?
2) Will she welcome my help, or consider it overstepping?
3) Will Mother misinterpret my intentions as I help her get the care she needs?
As I struggled with these questions, I came upon a devotional in Jesus Calling that melted them away: “Entrust your loved ones to me; release them into my protective care. They are much safer with Me than in your clinging hands…When you release loved ones to Me, you are free to cling to My hand. As you entrust others into My care, I am free to shower blessings on them. My Presence will go with them wherever they go, and I will give them rest. This same Presence stays with you, as you relax and place your trust in Me. Watch to see what I will do.”
I needed to hear this. It’s too easy for me to be an acting administrator and manage pill organizers, doctor appointments, and check up on her. When I’m in this role, I tend to detach from my feelings so I can be an effective helper. But I want to change that. If I entrust her to Jesus knowing she is much safer in His hands, then I feel permission to remain in my role as her daughter. I can give her more emotional support, allowing the administrator role to become secondary. So how did the Lord help me figure out when to take action on Mother’s memory lapses and weight loss?
My Mother contracted pneumonia this summer, requiring a trip to her doctor. She’s rarely sick! The Lord opened a window of opportunity to express my concerns to her medical professional. I trusted him to assess whether her memory loss was significant enough to require further evaluation. He agreed that her memory deficits and her related weight loss needed attention. He sent her to a neurologist, and she is undergoing key diagnostic tests. Mother has been gracious in this process. Her sweet, charming personality continues to shine along with her sense of humor. I am relaxing and placing my trust in Jesus. I am watching to see what He does.
How long should we wait before we intervene to care for our parents? The Lord will show us when it’s time!
Have you faced this situation? How did the Lord reveal when it was time to have your parent evaluated, even if they perceived it wasn’t necessary?
Blessings,
Lee Ann
Dear sweet Lee Ann. I have so thought about Betty Ann and your family so often. I was pleased that my friend Martha sent me your blog. I read Jesus Calling every morning and am always surprised at how it speaks to my problems. I hope you remember the night you sat on my couch and in response to a question I had, you said that all I had to do was to acknowledge my sins to God and ask for forgiveness. That simple. I have traveled a long journey since then to being a B S F leader here in Ft Worth. God never fails us if we just remember to give him the chance. Please give my love to your mom and Tinsley.
Dear Pat,
I am so touched by your response! We can only give glory to God for how He has grown you since you trusted Jesus as your Savior! What a heart-warming account this is. If you want to go back to the devotional, it was August 23rd. I, like you, am always amazed how each daily devotional speaks to where I am. Sarah Young seems to have a strong handle on Scripture and has turned her understanding into beautiful writings that help many of us each day.
I will most surely give your love to Mother and Tinsley. They are truly two of the most precious people I know!
Blessings and Hugs,
Lee Ann
Lee Ann, you have been in my thoughts so much lately and have been praying for you – for the Lord to give you the strength to carry you through these times with your whole family. Have watched this coming on sweet, gracious Betty Ann for a couple years now and it breaks my heart. I have no solutions or advice for this but I can continue to pray for you all and sometimes prayer is the best healer of all. Love and blessings to you.
Dear Susan,
I can’t tell you how much I appreciate your prayers for me and our family. The Lord is leading you to pray for the things I really need. I am so grateful for your friendship to me and my dear family, especially my Mother. She is such a precious human being, and it breaks my heart too! Your love expressed through ongoing prayer is healing for us, so please keep them coming!
Love,
Lee Ann
Lee Ann,
Thanks for your openness and for sharing your struggle with this issue. In a culture that values longevity at any cost it is comforting to realize that we have a kind, loving heavenly Father who has ordained the number of our days. I pray that you will be able to be steadfast in the commitment that you have made and that you will be able to wring all the joy that is possible from your relationship with you Mom as the Lord grants her days.
God bless!
Thank you for sharing your thoughts, Jonathan. I do intend to “wring all the joy possible” as I spend time with Mother. Her health changes make me appreciate her even more, and I am more cognizant than ever that I really don’t know how much time I have with her. I appreciate your reminder that our days on Earth have already been ordained, so we should live each day to the fullest, whether healthy or not!
Blessings to you,
Lee Ann
Dear Lee Ann,
Yesterday my day kept changing by the hour! We were supposed to move my mother to a room closer to her dining room as she has episodes of weakness. A phone call kept rearranging plans!
It has changed so that my sister who was supposed to fly home to China today quickly changed her flight to one in two weeks. Then, the assisted living place informed me that they wanted my Mom to go to the emergency room for evaluation. We went and discovered that she is dehydrated. What amazes me is how much trouble simple dehydration can cause! My mother has never been good at drinking fluids. She told me how silly she felt but my response was we all know there are things we should do but don’t.
Paul was very accurate about this in the Bible. I struggle as well finding the balance of how much to guide, influence or simple firmly assert help with a parent. God is using this situation to reveal darkness in my heart but He knew it was there even if I didn’t. I am so grateful for His Grace and working. Dehydration can cause confusion so check and see if your Mom is getting enough fluids. Thank you for posting this as I needed to be reminded that He is ultimately in charge of my Mom’s care and I am simply His tool. Hugs Joyce
Dear Joyce,
Thank you so much for sharing this! Dehydration can contribute to confusion episodes, so I will definitely look into this with my Mother. I would have never thought about this!
My struggle with balancing my role as daughter vs administrator continues. The latest is that I have been “fussed at” by both her cardiologist and her neurologist for not being at the appointments with her! They can’t seem to get the informatin they need to help her effectively, and I thought Tinsley, my stepfather was going with her. Then I found out from the neurologist that my stepfather has memory problems too! So my Mother is not excited about me having to go with her. She is very independent and has told Tinsley that he doesn’t need to go with her. So there is an element of denial going on that I am having to work through as well.
Thank you again for sharing your struggles. We are in this together with the goal of serving our parents the best way we know how. Take care, friend!
Blessings and Hugs,
Lee Ann