God chooses our earthly family, but we get to choose our spiritual family. Our earthly family is a temporary placement, while our spiritual family is for eternity. Most of us were born into loving families, but not everyone.
My friend, Donilee, was born into an Old Order Amish community that emphasized strict obedience in their children. Their forms of discipline were often harsh and at times abusive. The Amish stress responsibility and obligation for “the correct nurture” of their children, but what Donilee discovered translated to “strict conformity” to the Amish lifestyle.
Her parents punished her in a variety ways to bring her into submission. She endured belts, sticks, and slapping. Her mother claimed that she could beat her so the welts wouldn’t show. Donilee often went without food, clean clothes, and baths. Many nights she was exiled to the barn. When she was allowed in the house, her mother would lock her in her room for days. Then in the middle of the night, her mother would come into her room beat her and dare her to try to get out of bed.
Physical beatings and denial of food and water were only a part of the picture. Instead of nurturing and caring for her emotionally and spiritually, her parents shunned her. Social exclusion, a common practice in the Amish culture, was used to both punish the wayward and force them to repent in order to regain full stature in the community. Her younger brothers were instructed not to talk to her. They were told that if Donilee spoke to them, they were not to respond. Donilee’s alienation was exacerbated by her mother’s schizophrenia.
Her father wasn’t mentally well either. He sexually molested her. This was so traumatic that she avoided being in the house as much as possible. She found safety milking cows (they were dairy farmers), taking care of the horses in the barn and riding them, and doing whatever outside work needed to be done to avoid coming inside. She knew her father was waiting for her. When she was 10, her father sent her to live with her maternal grandmother, who lived on the farm, but across the gravel road. Donilee stayed there for three years and did all of the cooking, cleaning, laundry, and any outdoor work. At 13 she was sent to her paternal grandmother’s home to live, which was also on the same farm, but just down the dirt road.
By the time she was 15, she was desperate to get off the farm. She did whatever it took to get away. Her main goal was to buy a car. She found a job at a local restaurant as a car hop and worked her way up to a head waitress job. She worked 40 hours a week while going to high school and alternating her living arrangements as need be. She rented a room at a boarding house for $7 a week when they were available. Otherwise, she stayed at her grandmother’s house.
While attending school and working, she searched for inner peace in the Catholic Church. She went to Catechism, and when she had questions, she went to the priest, who sat inappropriately close to her with his arm around her. She thought the Father was too friendly and found him to be “creepy.” Her experience reinforced her belief that “Fathers” weren’t safe.
Donilee knew she needed a college education to get off the farm. Her first option was to attend a Catholic college in Indianapolis, which would prepare her to become a teaching nun. Her grandmother was so repulsed by this idea that she told Donilee she would no longer be welcomed to live with her if she did. The second option was the Navy because part of her education would be covered through the GI Bill. Her grandmother wasn’t fond of that choice either, but she chose to support Donilee anyway.
In order to enlist as a minor, Donilee needed her father’s signature, which he refused to give. Her parents believed her place in life was on the farm serving the family. In addition, the Amish have a core belief of pacifism, so joining the Navy was a breach of their teaching. However, her grandmother stepped up and told Donilee’s father that if he wanted to inherit the farmland, “you will sign her papers.” Money talked, and with signed papers in hand, Donilee was off the farm and into the Navy.
The Navy was supposed to be her place of refuge. She thought she was escaping sexual abuse in her home, but she was beaten and raped by a sailor. Donilee reported this to the military authority, but this sailor was merely reprimanded. He told his peers what she had done, so everytime she had to walk between hangars to take papers to another building, she was jeered by 300 men. She said, “I felt like I was being raped by 300 men!” Her new motivation was to get discharged from the Navy and take advantage of the GI Bill. She knew at a young age if she worked hard enough and became successful, she would earn the acceptance she craved.
After being discharged from the Navy after only three years of service, she enrolled at the University of South Carolina and graduated with a double major in Accounting and Computer Programming. Her love for learning and her desire to succeed led her to the University of Houston where she earned her Masters in Instructional Technology and a Masters in Business Education. But the deep pain of her past followed her. On the outside Donilee appeared to be doing well, but she was sick on the inside. The emotional pain was so great she treated herself with drugs and alcohol. She was often in bars drinking, and when she saw the Father from her church drinking and chasing women, she concluded, “Fathers – they were just liars. There is nothing truthful about Fathers.” She had an earthly father who was unsafe and a spiritual leader called “Father” who was untrustworthy. The word “Father” sickened her.
She continued dealing with her past by pouring herself into her work by day, and deadening her pain with drugs and alcohol by night. She was successful at any job she did, whether it was in the Navy, whether she was a school administrator, or whether she was a teacher to at-risk high school kids. As long as she was experiencing success, she found a way to stuff her suffering without letting it interfere with work.
But there was only so much “stuffing” she could do. Her addiction to drugs and alcohol masked her troubles, but the pain never left. In 2007 she attempted suicide. Fortunately, she was not successful. She was admitted to the V.A. facility in Waco to detox and get therapy. She spent three and a half months in a substance abuse recovery program followed by another three months in their Military Sexual Trauma program.
God revealed Himself to Donilee through a dream while she was in recovery. She heard God say, “I will put people in your life to help you. I will do for you what you can’t do for yourself.” God gave her hope in this encounter. She knew she was going to make it with the help of other people God would put in her life.
Once she was discharged from the facility, she knew that God had given her a second chance. She believed she had “ten good years left,” and she wanted to make the most of it. But trying to find God again was complicated. She didn’t have a healthy concept of God because she never knew a loving earthly father. In fact, she couldn’t embrace that God loved her. She could see that God loved others, but she questioned if God loved her.
These last six years Donilee immersed herself into several bible studies with the ultimate goal of discovering God through Jesus. She was gaining bible knowledge, but she still had many questions about Christianity that she needed to resolve. Donilee and I entered into a mentoring relationship to answer her questions. (I invite you to read my previous post Do You Want to Reach More People for Christ? to appreciate that part of her journey.) We spent time together with our prayer journals to facilitate her direct connection to Jesus. Donilee had nine prayer requests she humbly submitted to Jesus, and in one week, all nine were answered. But there was one prayer request He answered that was instrumental in reaching her for Christ.
When I invited her to tell Jesus what was really on her heart, this is what she asked of Him: “Help me overcome my negative reaction to the idea of “father.” The bible often describes God as our Father, and that was a significant barrier for Donilee. She assumed that God the Father wouldn’t love her because her earthly father didn’t love her. She didn’t feel worthy of His love. I wasn’t sure how quickly God would respond to her prayer request, but I was confident that God knew how important this prayer was for her.
God blessed Donilee with strong Christian friends who showed her unconditional love for many years. Joyce is one of her closest friends who used to teach in a Christian school. Joyce helped put on a Christian musical at the school called “Down by the Creek Bank.” One of the songs in this musical is “I Am Adopted.” While Joyce and Donilee were driving home after our Sunday School class, the Holy Spirit prompted Joyce to ask Donilee a question.
“Donilee, did you ever want to be adopted by a family who would love you for who you are?” Joyce asked.
“All of the time! I thought for years I was in the wrong family. I would have given anything to be adopted by another family.” Donilee answered.
“How about letting your heavenly Father adopt you so He can be your Father?” Joyce asked.
“I’ll definitely think about that.” Donilee said.
Joyce knew the idea of being adopted to a new family by a perfect Father in heaven had a powerful effect on Donilee because she was pensive the rest of the ride home. The spirit prompted Joyce again. This time she felt led to break the silence and sing a part of “I Am Adopted” from the musical:
“I am adopted, I’m a special kid, you see.
I’m proud to be a member of a royal family.
My Father has a kingdom, He sits upon His throne.
He gives me everything I need because I am His own!”
[Chorus: I’m adopted. I’m chosen. I bear my Father’s name.
Just livin’ a life of luxury in the castle with the King.]
There’s room in His big kingdom for a million kids like me.
He loves the little children. We’re welcome as can be.
So come on up to my Father’s House and join our family.”
Joyce had no idea that Donilee had prayed for a positive connection to the word “father,” but Donilee knew that God delivered exactly the answer she needed through Joyce.
When Donilee embraced that God chose her earthly family, but she could choose her eternal family through His son, Jesus, she was all in. She read John 1:12 with fresh eyes, “Yet to all who did receive Him (Jesus), to those who believed in His name, he gave the right to become children of God.” God revealed Himself as the loving Father she always wanted. She’s adopted. She’s chosen. She bears her Father’s name. Praise the Lord!
Have you chosen your eternal family? If not, I invite you to be adopted by your perfect Father in heaven who has “room in His big kingdom for a special kid like you.”
Note: This post was written with the permission and blessing of Donilee.
Blessings, Lee Ann
P.S. (If you would like to listen to an excerpt of this catchy song, here is the link: “I Am Adopted” and then click the Audio Sample for “I am Adopted.” Be prepared to have this fun ditty stuck in your head the rest of the day.)
