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11.27.12 How Great is Your Faith?

     When Jesus had entered Capernaum, a centurion came to him, asking for help. “Lord,” he said, “my servant lies at home paralyzed and in terrible suffering.” Jesus said to him, “I will go and heal him.” The centurion replied, “Lord, I don’t deserve to have you come under my roof. But  just say the word, and my servant will be healed. For I myself am a man under authority, with soldiers under me. I tell this one, ‘Go,’ and he goes; and that one, ‘Come,’ and he comes. I say to my servant, ‘Do this,’ and he does it.” When Jesus heard this, He was astonished and said to those following Him, “I tell you the truth, I have not found anyone in Israel with such great faith.” Then Jesus said to the centurion, “Go! It will be done just as you believed it would.” Matt 8:5-10, 13 (NIV)

     How do you measure “great” faith? I wonder how many of us think we have great faith, but in Jesus’ eyes, not so much. The Bible illustrates this in Matt 17:14-21. A man approaches Jesus seeking mercy on his son who suffers greatly with seizures. The man continues, “I brought him to your disciples, but they could not heal him.” Jesus rebuked the disciples for being unbelieving, and then He rebuked the demon and healed the son. The disciples asked Jesus, “Why couldn’t we drive out the demon?” He replied, “Because you have so little faith. I tell you the truth, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, ‘Move from here to there’ and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you.”

     I get frustrated when I read accounts like this. Jesus gave us His authority and His power to heal others of all kinds of afflictions, yet I don’t see this happening on a regular basis. Why? I think I’m just like the disciples. I have so little faith that Jesus will  produce His miracles through me. I don’t pray with high anticipation and expectation that He will use me to heal others. I rationalize why I shouldn’t risk with someone. My faith is not “great” faith, or I would be risking every chance God gives me to see what He wants to do in a given situation.

     Let me tell you about a time when I failed to risk great faith. God has blessed me with a dear writing coach who I have worked with over the last year. Let me introduce you to Saundra Goldman:

     

     Early this year, she had a slipped disc in her back that caused unbearable pain. She would show up to our appointments with dark circles under her eyes. Pillows were carefully arranged behind her back to keep her comfortable, but the pain was showing in her face. The slightest of moves to adjust in her seat brought a grimace. While powerful drugs were trying to anesthetize her pain, she was drinking a tall Coke just to keep herself alert in our sessions. Saundra couldn’t get sleep at night. I’ll never forget when she described her bed as a “torture chamber.” I couldn’t even imagine what kind of debilitating pain she was feeling. There were several appointments I wanted to risk with her. I wanted to lay hands on her and pray for God to completely heal her back, but I didn’t. Why? Let the rationalizations begin! 

     First, Saundra is Jewish. I wasn’t sure how she would feel about my calling upon Jesus to heal her back! That might offend her. Second, we have a professional relationship. Would she think I was crossing boundaries to pray for her? Third, what if a healing didn’t happen? Will that change our relationship? Fourth, would she internalize a lack of healing as “God doesn’t love her?” This could be spiritually harmful. Fifth, would I get labeled a “Jesus freak?” I was so wrapped up in trying to count the potential cost to our relationship instead of counting the cost to my relationship to Jesus. I want to please Him by exercising “great” faith. I want to risk with Him rather than rationalize away the opportunities. I believe Jesus supports this kind of faith in John 14:12-14:

     “I tell you the truth, anyone who has faith in me will do what I have been doing. He will do even greater things than these, because I am going to the Father. And I will do whatever you ask in my name, so that the Son may bring glory to the Father. You may ask me for anything in my name, and I will do it.”  

     I’m all in. No more excuses. I want Jesus to be pleased with how often I exercise my faith. I want to super-size it to “great” faith. I want to pray boldly in all areas of my life, and I want to pray in “great” faith with others who need healing, whether it’s physical, emotional, mental, or spiritual. I want to see Jesus’ reward of immediate results when “great” faith is exercised. I expect great results because Jesus promises to be my advocate before the Father so that He can bring glory to our Father. Jesus desires to bring glory to God, and so do I. I look forward to being His instrument! 

Blessings,                                                                                                                                                                                                                            Lee Ann

11.11.12 Who Got the Swing Vote?

My choice for President didn’t win, but I can’t say that I am upset at the outcome. I see elections through a Christian worldview that affirms that God is always in control. Did you know that God is a registered voter? His precinct is the world. Do you realize He votes at every election?

Proverbs 16:33 says, “The lot is cast into the lap, but its every decision is from the Lord.”

Romans 13:1 says, “Let everyone be subject to the governing authorities, for there is no authority except that which God has established. The authorities that exist have been established by God.”

These verses may sound like the voting process is mere chances, but God is always in control. We cast our vote, but He carries 51% of the vote at all times. He has the swing vote in every election. So why did we bother to vote? Because we have the privilege to participate with God in His kingdom. He desires to push His story through each of our votes.

Proverbs 16:9 says, “In his heart man plans his course, but the Lord determines his steps.”

 

Let’s not forget the fact that the Bible contains God’s love story written to us, and He has already told us the ending. Each person was created with a special purpose in mind, and we are right in the middle of His story as its playing out. We aren’t just “extras” on the scene. We have a valuable role while we’re here on Earth. Just as God is writing His story through each of us, God is doing the same thing through Obama’s presidency. We may not always understand why He chooses certain leaders, but His thoughts are higher than our thoughts, and His ways are higher than our ways (Isa 55:8).

In the end I trust His choices. God used His swing vote to allow Obama another term. This doesn’t change the fact that God will remain at the helm to continue enacting His story to the end. Now we have an obligation to participate in His precinct by praying for our leaders and accepting the outcome. It was His decision.

Blessings,                                                                                                                                                                                                                             Lee Ann

10.12.12 Saying Goodbye to Calvyn

I am grieving. I’m not talking about just a feeling of sadness. I am talking about waterfalls of tears over the last three days. I have had the blessing of caring for a dear cat, Calvyn, for 18.5 years. She was a barn kitty I adopted in Iola, KS. I got to bring her into my home as soon as she could be weaned from her Mother. I loved her from the moment I got to hold her:

Calvyn at 8 weeks old

Calvyn at 8 weeks old

Calvyn was a cherished pet who will always have a special place in my heart. She was so easy to care for. Though most cat owners say that cats are generally low maintenance, Calvyn was especially easy. She just wanted to enjoy my company as much as I wanted to enjoy hers. She was one of those cats who wanted to be where I was, but to pick her up and hold her had to be on her terms. So instead of being a lap cat, Calvyn was always by my side. When at home for the evening, her spot was right next to me on the couch. When it was bedtime, she chose to sleep right by my head with her body nestled against my pillow. Before I would go to sleep, I would just love on her. I stroked her just to get her motor going. Her purr started like a lawn mower in the choke position, but after the mower warmed up and was put into full throttle, the engine was loud and strong. Her purr was music to my ears every night. Once her purr was at full strength, she would reach her paws onto my pillow and trap my hair so she could knead it. Try going to sleep with your hair pulled! In the morning when it was time to get out of bed, I would start making the bed and say, “It’s time to get up!” Calvyn immediately knew that was her cue to leave the bed so I could finish the task of making her side of the bed. These rituals have been in place for a long time.

I have always known that cats won’t live forever because no one does. I also know that indoor cats live on the average 17 yrs. So the knowledge that I wasn’t going to have Calvyn much longer has dwelled in the back of my mind since living in Austin the last three years. I did notice over the last year that she was more arthritic.  She walked more slowly and had to work harder at jumping onto furniture. I didn’t think much of it as I feel arthritic too, and it’s something I am learning to embrace that comes with aging.

It was this week that I knew Calvyn was nearing her death. It started with more sleeping than her norm. I have three cats, and I know where each of their napping stations are in my house and when they like to be at their favorite location. On Monday, it was a bad sign that Calvyn never left the couch to join me in bed. So I picked her up and brought her with me. She purred while appreciating my assistance.

Tuesday included another signal that Calvyn wasn’t feeling well. After I got home from work, I went looking for her to see if her lethargy was temporary, but it wasn’t. I found her hiding while curled up on the closet floor. This was her hiding place when movers were trapsing in and out of my home while moving me in. It registered with me that Calvyn was withdrawing. Because it appeared that she hadn’t moved far from the bed to the closet, I worried that she wasn’t eating or drinking.  I decided to bring the food and water to her in the closet hoping she would be interested. She drank lots of water, but ate no food. I brought in one of her favorite blankets and put her on top of it since it was softer than the carpeted floor. While I expressed my affection to her, she was very responsive and kept purring, which gave me some hope, but my grieving process began. As soon as I left the closet, I couldn’t stop crying. I knew I was losing her, and it was just a matter of time. When bedtime came, I couldn’t stand the thought of her dying alone in the closet, so I picked her up and took her to bed with me. She was content, but she hardly moved.

On Wednesday morning, she was allowed to stay put. My bed was half-made. I made sure she was fed, so I filled up her water bowl and brought it to her. She enjoyed breakfast in bed, but then within five minutes, she threw it up. I cleaned up the mess, and with tears just told her how much I loved her, but needed to head to the office. I left wondering if that was going to be the last time I would see her. My heart just hurt, and I cried all the way to work.

After returning from work, I was amazed that Calvyn had the strength to move herself off my bed and into the living room. I was thrilled that she wanted to be where I was during the evening hours. Since she got herself to the living room, I determined she was well enough for me to take my usual 30 minute walk with my ipod. As I was walking, I was listening to some of my favorite sacred pieces, and when the Lutkin benediction began to play, I started to cry right in the middle of my walk. As I listened to, “The Lord bless you and keep you. May His face shine upon you and be gracious to you; may the Lord turn His face toward you and give you peace,” I started to pray these words to the Lord for Calvyn. I poured my heart out asking God to spare Calvyn of any suffering or pain and to allow me to be with her until she passes. I have no idea what my neighbors were thinking, but I finally got back to the house and found Calvyn right where I left her.

I tried coaxing her to the couch, but she wouldn’t budge. So I picked her up to stand her up, and her legs just collapsed like a house of cards. So I picked her up and placed her on my lap. The tears started to flow again, and I spent a couple of hours just talking to her, brushing her, which she loves, and petting her. She still purred, so I knew she was content:

I spent two hours talking to her. She loves to be stroked, petted, and brushed.

I spent two hours talking to her. She loves to be stroked, petted, and brushed.

When I picked her up from my lap to carry her to my room for bedtime, she let me know that it hurt her. So to keep her comfortable, I put her in her favorite fluffy pet bed, and then I picked her up in that bed so it was easier to transport her without causing her any pain. Using her favorite pet bed solved another concern. Since it was obvious she couldn’t walk anymore, going to the litter box was not going to happen. So having her in her favorite bed would catch any “accidents”. With her pet bed next to my pillow, we were ready for bed. However, I did not sleep that night. I was in tune to every sound or request that she made. What did happen that was so sweet is that she made a special effort to reach her paws over her bed to touch my hair. That loving act triggered another crying spell.

I had to get up early Thursday morning for a company training session that was 1.5 hours away. Calvyn meowed just once around 5am that communicated distress. I have never heard her meow like this. I was torn. Should I punt the training, or take the risk that she will be around another day? As I prayed for guidance, I felt God’s peace to head to the training. How He showed me it was OK to leave is that when I brought a water bowl to her first thing Thursday morning, she drank most of it. I just sensed she would be sustained. I loved on her and told her again and again what a joy she has been in my life and that she has been nothing but a pleasure as my sweet companion. I parted with, “I love you, Calvyn” and headed out the door – again wondering if she would be alive when I returned. The roadtrip began with more Kleenex.

Every Thursday evening I have a prayer ministry team who meets with me to pray over the Women in the Word Sunday School class that I lead. Tonight was different. It was only me and Bonnie. I just unloaded on her the amount of grief I was experiencing and how I was struggling with whether or not I should take Calvyn to the veternarian to be put to sleep or just let her die at home. I worried that I was being selfish to want her at home. She gave wonderful counsel and assured me based on what I was describing that Calvyn was showing the common signs of a cat nearing death. I had already researched the internet on this topic and made a couple of calls to some veternarians to determine I was doing the right thing, but I just needed reassurance. Needless to say, we spent time praying less over the class than usual.

Instead, we prayed in agreement for the Lord to usher Calvyn into His presence without pain and suffering. We appealed to His nature of being a loving, compassionate, merciful and gracious God. We asked Him to help me show tenderness, gentleness, kindness and love to Calvyn in her final hours. Most importantly, we prayed that He would give me the grace gift of allowing me to be with her so she wasn’t alone when she passed. This hour was filled with many tears. I thank God for my dear sister in Christ who held me up before the Lord when I could barely do it myself.

I got home that evening thanking God for His grace to allow me to still have Calvyn for however long I had left. She was still in her pet bed by my pillow. I brought her a bowl of water, and it was all she could do to hold her head up, but she drank a healthy amount. As we settled in for bedtime, I just knew in my heart she could go anytime. I prayed the same prayers over Calvyn as Bonnie and I prayed. I even asked the Lord to allow Calvyn to stay in my mansion until I got there. After more tears, I went to bed with Calvyn by my pillow. It was a sleepless night. The strange meows happened once every hour it seemed, and I would comfort her every time it happened. While both of us were trying to sleep, I could tell her breathing became shallow. I would just pet her and stroke her to remind her that I was right by her side and wouldn’t leave her.

Today my alarm went off at 7:30am, but it was pointless because I had been awake all night. It just meant it was time to start getting up and around. Calvyn’s breathing pattern changed again. Her breath intake was slow as was the exhale. Each exhale came with a soft, prolonged moan. I brought her a bowl of water to see if she would drink. She did, but she lost interest after a few swallows. I just had this feeling that we were within an hour of her passing. I cancelled my client appointment for this morning. I just sat there with my Kleenex sobbing as I spoke to her, stroked her, and brushed her very lightly. I prayed over her again and asked for no suffering and pain. I then asked the Lord to take her home. At the conclusion of my prayer, Calvyn was in a position that I knew would not change:

Calvyn's final position in her favorite fluffy pet bed when she drew her last breath

Calvyn’s final position in her favorite fluffy pet bed when she drew her last breath

I had finished getting dressed and came back to her side. She threw up some saliva, and after that she put her head back down. Within a few more breaths, she passed away while I was petting her and assuring her that I loved her and wouldn’t leave her. She died this morning at 9:35am.

I thank God for His tender mercies and His love for Calvyn and me. What a precious, sweet time it was to watch Calvyn enter into eternity. She was not in pain, nor was she suffering. God was so faithful to answer every prayer uttered for Calvyn. I can’t thank you enough, Lord Jesus, for the precious gift of Calvyn, or for the gift of answering every prayer to give her a peaceful homecoming. I love you, Calvyn.

Blessings,                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                         Lee Ann

9.16.12 The Fight for Independence

     I wish I could say I’m a patient daughter with my Dad at all times, but I can’t because it isn’t true. One aspect of caring for Dad that creates tension for me is being asked to shop for medicines or products prohibited by a facility. 

     While Dad was in a rehab hospital, he asked me numerous times to buy him Benadryl, Imodium, aspirin, and 5-hr energy drinks. These requests frustrated me. I shouldn’t have to spend his money to buy meds already provided by the medical facility! I want to use those dollars to pay down his credit card debt. I decided to explore this with the team of therapists and Cheryl, a nurse, in Dad’s care plan meeting. 

     “Cheryl, about a month ago Dad asked me to bring him Benadryl, and you brought to my attention that the doctor removed it from his room,” I said. “I learned that this facility has some legal liabilities if medications are not monitored, so I informed Dad that he needs to ask the nurse for these kinds of items. But just a couple of days ago, he called and asked me to bring him aspirin and 5-hr energy drinks. It sounds harmless, but I don’t want to break any rules,” I said. 

     “Harry, do NOT put that kind of request on your daughter!” Cheryl said emphatically. “That is not fair to her. We have told you before that you are in a controlled setting, so you can’t have her bring in medicines.” Dad’s anger began to rise. 

     “I am SOVEREIGN. I am a human being. Why can’t I have aspirin!?” Dad asked. “I have also been taking Benadryl prudently twice a day for FORTY-SIX years, and I have never had a seizure, nor does it make me drowsy.” Cheryl lectured him again about being in a controlled setting and the legal liability they face when patients take meds without their supervision. 

     I knew Dad was angry with the outcome, but I thought he would cool off and embrace the reality of being in a controlled setting. I was wrong. A week later Dad phoned me to inform me that he took a trip to Walmart and spent $80. 

     “What purchases did you make at Walmart?” I asked warily. 

     “I was running short on pullups, and I also bought a couple of bottles of aspirin and loaded up on 5-hr energy drinks,” Dad replied. 

     “Dad, I just bought you a package of 28 pullups less than a week ago. Were you that low?” I asked with irritation. 

     “Honey, I am down to 15-16, so I thought I would stock up,” he explained. 

     Dad sensed I was not happy and asked, “What’s wrong?” 

     “I’m disappointed,” I answered. 

     “May I ask why you’re ‘disappointed’?” he asked sarcastically. 

     “Dad, you’re breaking the rules of the facility by bringing in aspirin and 5-hr energy drinks,” I said. 

     “It was only $1.69/bottle for aspirin. So what?!” he retorted. 

     “Aspirin costing a $1.69/bottle is NOT the point. You broke the rules.” 

     “$1.69 is the point. It is a big hassle trying to get aspirin from the nurses. It’s inconvenient. I don’t see the harm in it,” he rationalized. “An aide just walked in the door, so I am going to need to hang up. But you’re welcome to call me in the morning to beat me up about this,” he said. 

     “Oh, Dad!!” I said angrily. I laid into him in rapid fire succession. “Please don’t play the victim role. You blatantly rebelled against the facility. You were told you couldn’t bring these items in, and you weren’t going to be denied. You weren’t willing to hear a ‘no’, so you ran to Walmart to fix it yourself.” 

     Dad replied, “We will just have to agree to disagree. You just don’t understand.” 

     “That’s fine,” I said. “I think I have a clear picture of what’s going on here.” 

     After the emotional fumes dissipated, it occurred to me that maybe Dad was right. Maybe I didn’t have a clear picture. I failed to understand. We all desire to make decisions for ourselves. It’s ironic that we have the right to decide what doctors can do to us. We can refuse treatment. They can’t force us to swallow pills. We can leave facilities against medical advice. Those are examples of exercising our sovereignty. Yet, if my Dad wants aspirin, he can’t have it. Once he’s under someone else’s roof, he has to abide by their rules. But even though he’s in a controlled setting, Dad can choose to refuse all prescribed medication if he desires. It’s inconsistent. Sovereignty works when my Dad doesn’t want treatment, but sovereignty doesn’t work when he wants to be proactive by taking aspirin. 

     Dad’s statement that he is “sovereign” keeps reverberating in my mind. I looked up sovereignty. Sovereignty is “the quality of having supreme, independent authority over a geographical area. It can be found in a power to rule and make laws.” Dad was declaring that as a human being, he is the final authority on what he can or can’t do.  

     We call this free will, and we exercise it every day. Free will works great when we exercise it within the rules of our authority.  When we exercise free will by breaking rules, then our sovereignty comes with consequences. Thus, our sovereignty has limitations because there is always someone with greater authority over us. When we came into the world, our authority was our parents. When we went to school, our teachers were our authority. When we’re at work, our employer is our authority. As citizens of our community, the police force is our authority. But in the end, God is the only one who is sovereign over all earthly authorities. We are always under His authority. When we exercise free will within God’s established rules and parameters, life is great. His rules help us to achieve the best out of life and in our relationships if we follow them.          

     Dad is having a difficult time embracing that the doctors have his best interest at heart. When Dad was at the rehab facility, he refused to believe he had lost his sovereignty. Just to prove it, he made more trips to Walmart. And he took more aspirin. Dad now lives in a long term care facility where he faces the same rules. Dad still refuses to believe his sovereignty is diminished. I know this because I received a credit card alert that $129.75 was spent on a phone order for supplements, which are prohibited by the facility.  These activities frustrate me and test my patience regularly. He’s fighting for his independence, and our day is coming when we will do the same. This awareness can help me stay more patient with him while Dad struggles to change lifelong self-medicating habits. 

     Dad deserves a more patient daughter, so please pray that God replaces my impatience and frustration with His grace to administer to my Dad when he needs it. 

Blessings,                                                                                                                                                                                                                            Lee Ann

8.8.12 Take My Life and Let It Be Consecrated to Thee

     I have the privilege of sharing an email I received today by permission of the author, Alicia Smith.  Alicia is a dear sister in Christ whom I’ve known since living in Hutchinson, KS. She has a great love for the Lord and a heart for people.  There are times she will send a significant spiritual reflection that is refreshingly raw.  It’s an unreserved outpouring from her heart; but more importantly, it is an outpouring of the Holy Spirit through Alicia’s heart.  This is what she shared today, and I just felt a need to publish this because her message resonates with me. How often do we ask the Lord to help us hear His voice, and yet when He clearly speaks, we are not obeying Him? 

Take My Life and Let It Be Consecrated to Thee

      The Lord spoke something to me profound the other day as I was driving and listening to K-Love in the car.  The d.j.’s were talking about the shootings in Colorado and asking why this happened and how God could allow this if He is everything the Bible says He is.  People tend to say,  “Well I don’t know why. He allowed this to happen but He has a plan.” We are not outright blaming Him, but yet we really are.  The Lord distinctly then said to me, “Well why haven’t My people taken My light into the world and destroyed all the works of darkness?!!!?” 

      It caught me a little off guard to be honest, and I immediately repented.  In Genesis when He created man, He chose to give us the authority here on this earth, and He never violates His Word.  He has mandated that WE go out into all the world and take authority over all darkness and fill everything with His glory; His truth; His light.  It’s not us doing these things, but rather us allowing Him to work through us.  He could do this without us, but instead He chose to let us be a part of it and do it through us.  He has given us free will and ultimately will never force us to do anything; He won’t violate the free will He has given each of us.  He has a plan, but it requires our participation!!!!!!   

     If we as the church had been listening intently after Him every day and obeying what He had told us to do in each of our “circles of influence” in this life, then the man who shot those people in Colorado could have gotten the help he needed before he did what he did.  It’s a spiritual battle Ephesians says and not one of the flesh.  That man needed Jesus to set him free from his demons and the devil.  And only christians who know how to listen to the Holy Spirit can offer the help that man truly needed.  Jesus is walking in the flesh in each of US, so in order for Him to continue to heal and preach and teach as He did 2000 years ago, WE must learn how to listen after Him and obey without another passing thought.  It should just be how we live.  It’s truly the normal christian life as the Bible teaches us.  

     It’s really not about us at all, but rather about Him filling all of us with His magnificent glory.  That’s the end goal.  How awesome that He has allowed us to be a part of His plan, but yet what an awesome responsibility.  We will all on judgment day have to answer to Him.  May we learn these things NOW in this life, instead of in the next life as we stand before Him and weep at what could have been.  

Alicia Smith