Quagmire: an awkward, complex, or hazardous situation (OED).
Many of you know that I moved to Austin to help care for my father, who is in assisted living. Up until recently it’s been relatively straightforward and simple: I’ve made grocery runs for him and stopped by to check up on him regularly. That was all I was able to muster given the major life transition I had just made by moving back here and trying to establish a sense of normalcy in my own life. Now that the dust has started to settle, I’ve moved into high gear with Dad. We’re in the process of transferring his financial responsibilities to me. Because of my extensive professional experience in finance, I believe I can provide him the most meaningful help in this area. I had no idea what I was getting into. I thought it would be as simple as getting my name on his checking account so I could sign checks and then paying a few bills on a monthly basis. But the number of hours I’ve spent trying to sort out Dad’s finances are beyond anything I could have expected, and I can’t see the finish line. The word “quagmire” comes to mind.
The problem is that the help I am providing is not exactly the kind of help Dad is seeking. He is looking for someone to help him pay his bills without raising questions about how he spends his money. I am not only going through bills, but I am reviewing credit card statements and checking accounts as well as unhooking over twenty bank drafts (with his permission) for charitable donations. Dad gives at the drop of the hat, and it takes just one piece of mail for him to say “yes” and fill in credit card data and send it on. Here is just a sample of what I’ve uncovered regarding Dad’s finances and some of the questions I find myself pondering:
- Major credit card debt is building each month. What kind of purchases has he been making? Are his financial needs greater than his income? This needs to be analyzed.
- He pays for two hospital indemnity plans. Are we submitting claims to get reimbursed when he’s hospitalized? He has spent many days in a hospital since I’ve been back in Austin. I have scrambled to file claims with his two insurance companies hoping to get some reimbursement. It’s a waste of money to pay premiums and then not utilize the benefits when the need arises.
- Over twenty bank drafts and monthly credit card charges were going to charitable organizations using money he doesn’t have. I had to unhook all of them to free up the cash.
- He was making double payments for backing up computer files simply because he had forgotten that he already had this service in place.
- I continue to discover multiple online orders for things that can be easily picked up at the grocery store. We are doubling the cost of the product due to shipping charges and credit card interest.
- He has a strong tendency to overstock. For cash flow purposes, he needs to learn how to buy in moderation.
- As a retired military officer, he has benefits at the VA that he wasn’t even aware of. I am trying to figure out as his Power of Attorney (POA) how to get access to this. He has been paying for years what apparently has been available to him free of charge.
- He wants to tithe, and I want to support him in that, but then he has to control his spending. It can be accomplished, but he will have to understand what he needs to give up to do it. He loves to give, but he’s not in the same financial position as he used to be.
- He has three medical insurers. By the time a claim gets sifted from the primary carrier to the second and third carrier, there are balances still left to pay. These bills are coming in from multiple providers. How do you know which bills he really needs to pay versus those the providers are suppose to write-off based on usual and customary charges? This is a whole different world, and I will be on an exponential learning curve as I try to get a handle on this.
Have you tried unhooking bank authorizations with an institution that likes your money? Imagine sitting at my Dad’s apartment with cell phone in hand calling multiple organizations to inactivate bank drafts while not being the authorized person on the account. We get a representative on the line…I introduce myself along with the purpose of the call…they ask to speak to my Dad…they verify his identity…Dad struggles to remember some of the data they are asking for and looks to me for assistance…I provide the answers to the security questions…and then Dad authorizes the organization to talk to me. The process is cumbersome, and at times flat out irritating. It infuriates me when I am asking someone to stop a bank draft for free credit reports or fraud protection, and they keep trying to sell a lowered benefit when we just want out! Some of these organizations will not let you give notice in writing that you no longer want the service. They say, “We’re sorry for the inconvenience. (That’s hooey. These organizations are NOT sorry. They need to quit reading their scripts and listen to the customer!) The only contact information you can find by statement or on the web is a phone number.
It’s a bad sign when I tell Dad that I have put together a budget, and he replies, “Budget?” Dad hasn’t operated with a written budget for years, so he has no motivation to control spending and live within his means. If he needs something, he just goes online and orders it. “Dad, you need to see the visual of how your fixed income is being spent,” I told him “and then you need to see the additional money you’re spending through credit cards. You’re digging a deeper debt hole month by month for items you don’t need.” This leads to another problem. He and I have two different concepts of “need”. I emphasized that God is providing the income he needs to have a roof over his head, clothes on his body, and food to eat. Those are the needs the Lord promises to provide and tells us not to worry about. Dad’s definition of “need” is ordering 6 months worth of supplements with another 6-month supply already at his apartment.
I am so thankful I have a POA because it gives me much latitude to assist Dad. But just because I have the Power of Attorney doesn’t give me the right to take over unilaterally. It gives me the legal right to take matters into my own hands, but I have an ethical and biblical duty to manage his affairs in a way that gives him dignity and honor. You might think this is pretty clear-cut, but I find myself swimming in many shades of gray. For example, it’s tempting to fix these financial issues myself by closing credit cards or by lowering limits on them so he can’t run them up. I could make decisions that are “best for him” without his input. However, my Christian testimony is at stake, so I want to manage his finances in a way that honors him, which means including him on decisions that need to be made, even though I will spend more emotional energy dealing with his need to be in control. I want to control his finances and empower him to make good decisions around spending to help him stay solvent and start paying down some credit card debt. However, the last thing I want to do is to control my father.
I have shared what has been going on, but the greater question for me is how I will go about serving my Dad. It’s one thing to have a black belt in budgeting and help Dad see his financial reality, but it is another to do it compassionately.
I am writing with sadness in my heart. My father has a master’s degree in Physics and another in Mathematics. This is a man who obtained one of the most prestigious scholarships in the Navy and had the privilege to work under Admiral Rickover (remembered as the “Father of the Nuclear-powered Navy”). Dad worked in nuclear-powered submarines as a Navy officer and engineer. He retired as a Lieutenant Commander. As a civilian, he worked as an engineer, but his love for teaching led him into the high school classroom teaching algebra, physics, trigonometry, analysis, calculus and Russian for over twenty-five years. He learned Russian as an adult to communicate with the Russians he was trying to reach for Christ. Dad is a very intelligent man, and it breaks my heart to see a mind that had such acuity slip so many gears that he can barely move out of neutral and get any traction in his day. A man who has been known for being meticulous in everything he did can hardly talk about what he did in a given day. When he leaves a voicemail, he will forget midstream why he is calling. It is not uncommon to walk into his apartment and find him just sitting in his wheelchair and having no idea how long he’s been there.
As my father, this man deserves my respect and honor. He is my top prayer warrior. He has told me over the years, “I consider it my highest privilege and responsibility as a parent to pray daily for my children.” I can’t begin to tell you how much that ministers to my heart to know my Dad prays for me! His prayers are a daily gift from God.
I am in Austin for such a time as this. If I focus on the hours I’ve spent on Dad’s behalf, it would be easy to label him as “high maintenance.” However, if I focus on how I am going about investing these hours, then I will see this venture as a “high calling.” I am on a journey with my Dad. We are in our seats with our seat belts on, our tray tables locked, and our seats in their full and upright position. While holding his hand, I expect this transition to have many bumps with occasional turbulent patches. I will clothe myself with compassion (Col 3:12) as the Lord requires and love him through this time the best way I know how and leave the results up to the Lord. I pray that the Lord will constantly remind me that Dad is more mentally vulnerable and to maintain sensitivity at all times. His memory lapses will continue to happen, and he will get online and order things he forgot he already has or didn’t need. I will feel frustrated when those times occur. Over-spending will undermine the work I have invested to get his financial house in order. In the end, I can only control what I do for him. I love my Dad. He deserves at a minimum the very best I can give him with the Lord’s compassion and mercy. It’s a high calling. Someday I will be looking for the same compassion and mercy from my own caregiver.
Blessings,
Lee Ann